LoveDare Journals

Blog Post: Day 31 - Leaving Issues

beforethevows — Wed, 22 May 2013 12:51:00 GMT

I’ve gotten into the habit of rereading each chapter the morning before I write about it since I always post about the day before. When I initially read this chapter, I focused the day praying on my “leaving” issue. For me, that’s myself, my independence. Up until I met my boyfriend I was never really close to anyone. I had gotten to the point where I shut my heart down to everyone I met, because it was just easier. I’m not going to say oh I had a hard childhood, or my past was full of bad, because it was, but it also wasn’t. My leaving issue is simply that I refused to let anyone in. So I prayed on that, because up until recently God was on that list too; and no matter how much I may not want to lose myself, I also need to be willing to let little pieces go. This isn’t all about me.

When I reread the dare this morning, I was struck by the “if your spouse has a leaving issue” sentence. This has been the focal point of many arguments, his hometown, his parents, his life back in Ohio. He’s told me many times that he wants to go back and be there because it’s “easier”. We fight nearly every time he’s gone home for weeks plus at a time. I’ve told him countless times that I feel like I am being put second to where he comes from and everything that comes with it. I still that way a lot of times; but reading this chapter really brought home to me that it doesn’t matter. It’s not up to me to resolve that, it’s up to me to accept it as a basic part of who and what he is. In some ways I’ve done that, but I still have a long way to go.

He got in late last night, so we haven’t talked yet. I’m praying for that closure and resolution soon and to remember my walk with Christ regardless of the journey the conversation between us takes. I pray that I am able to stick to my argument list, and everything else I have learned in the last 31 days. Lord please give me the strength to walk down your path and to make you proud of what you are molding me into.

Blog Post: Day 38 - Love Fulfills Dreams

Bryan — Wed, 22 May 2013 12:47:00 GMT

If I could ask her what dream she would like fulfilled I believe it would be to just be happy. I know that I cannot be the one to make her happy. I pray that I may be part of God's plan for her.

During our years together I was always the one trying to come up with things that we could do together that would be enjoyable and fun for everyone. She was always the one that was unwilling to spend extra or excessively to do any of those ideas. Never wanted to go in debt to do anything enjoyable and always need a planned payoff first or we had to save for it before actually doing it. While there is nothing wrong with doing it that way it did tend to put a stop to a lot of ideas. There was always something we should get done around the house first. Looking back now, this could have been a factor in my not wanting to do these projects around the house as much as she did and so she ended up doing the majority of the work. So her restrictions caused my resentment.

Not sure how she would react to having her dreams being the priority. From what she has told me and other in the past. She felt that she was my only happiness and it put to much weight on her shoulders to be aware of that type of pressure. She still is my major happiness and I don't understand why she feels that way. Yes there are other things in life that I may or could enjoy, still working on finding some of those to add to my life, but not looking for a replacement of her happiness or her for that matter.

I just need to keep taking these things to the Lord in prayer.

Blog Post: Day 30 - Love Brings Unity

beforethevows — Tue, 21 May 2013 11:36:00 GMT

Hard to believe I am only 10 days away from the end of the LD and I still feel like I have so much further to go. I already know I’ll be going for round 2, right now my relationship needs it more than ever. The dare for day 30 is to pray on an unresolved issue in your relationship. My first thought, was just one? But really it all comes down to the same bottom line, trust. That’s our unresolved issue. He doesn’t want to talk about anything until he comes home tonight and we can be in person, so it was just me praying to God for today’s dare. I prayed for the ability to open my heart to my boyfriend again. I prayed to be able to trust him and to have the strength to come to him immediately should I have any doubts. I also prayed that he can see my side, that God opens his eyes to my fear and my doubts and he can begin to see them with love and understanding for the hurt him cheating on me brought, and not just as me being “a girl” and asking questions for no other reason.

I want so badly to work on this. But honestly, some days I am at a loss as to whether or not we can. I need His help. I need Him to help me rebuild my heart and faith in my boyfriend, as well as to open my boyfriends heart to that pain (which is hard for someone who says he doesn’t actually feel emotions, he just fakes them). I’m not sure what road God is leading me down right now. Ultimately, no matter what I may selfishly want, deep down I know that He has my highest good in mind. I’ve just got to trust His path for me, even if I wind up walking it alone.

Blog Post: Day 37 - Love agrees in prayer

Bryan — Tue, 21 May 2013 04:42:00 GMT

Praying together. Not something we have ever done together other then in church or at the dinner table. This has always been a private thing, if it was done at all. On this journey I have reawaken my need to put things in prayer and not just the negative things. All things. I have not asked my wife to join me in prayer and for the time being it will just have to be me.

My journey to Christ is far from over, its still in its infancy even. I need to continue soldiering on. Round 2 will be starting shorty and my goal is to lead my heart this time instead of following my head.

Blog Post: Day 27 - Encourage

arap926 — Mon, 20 May 2013 16:06:00 GMT

I feel like a jerk always saying “I’ve done this already” as if I am too good for some of these dares but I have already apologized to my husband for beating him down in particular areas. I have also been lifting him up and encouraging him in those areas as well. I have been attempting to put no expectations on my husband – realistic or not. I’m unsure if this is the right approach or if there should be some sort of balance. I understand that encouragement works better than expectations but should we still have some understandable expectations?

When it comes to K’s backsliding it is hard for me not to expect more for him. I am sure he can sense my disapproval there. Should I just be accepting him for who he is – a man totally running from God – while also praying for him in quiet?

I guess maybe the answer is yes – especially considering the fact that beating K down was one of my worse traits during our marriage. I should probably just be encouraging and accepting in all areas to heal the wounds.

If I have already told K all of this – should I be telling him again?

Blog Post: Day 29 - Loves Motivation

beforethevows — Mon, 20 May 2013 11:32:00 GMT

Didn’t talk much to my boyfriend on Day 29. In fact, got little more than a quick how was your day, and then I didn’t really hear from him again. I’m trying not to let those little doubts creep up, because this is how stuff went last time he was unfaithful to me, but they are just the same. Spent most of yesterday in prayer. Prayer for me to have the courage to continue down this road, prayer for him to find solace, to open his heart to God, and whatever else God sees fit for him. He returns home tomorrow night, but I can read the messages he sends well enough to know he doesn’t want to, and that parts hard. Just going to focus these next two days in heavy prayer and lots of working out to try to get myself rebalanced for seeing him again, and whatever that may bring. I don’t feel strong right now, but I know God will give me the strength I need for tomorrow night.

Blog Post: Rnd 3 Day 39 Love Endures

kpransom — Mon, 20 May 2013 01:31:00 GMT

Spend time in personal prayer, then write a letter of commitment and resolve to your spouse. Include why you are committing to this marriage until death, and that you have purposed to love them no matter what. Leave it in a place that your mate will find it.

After a heart to heart with my wife she shared some things which caused me to do some real prayer time with the Lord and some reflection. The jist of what she said was that we are becoming friends again and there must be something to look forward to in order for this relationship to continue. She said that right now all I was offering her is an empty future. What does she mean by that. Up until now there has been no real planning of spending are lives together. Some how I lost sight of this when I walked away from the Lord. If this marriage is to be saved. I must subject myself to His will or I will lose my wife. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where there is no direction. So I must find my compass which is the Lord and follow the path He has set before me. This may or may not include the continuation of this marriage. I'm hoping so. Sean is right when he wrote a response on day 39 there is a lot more to go on this journey which I feel I have only scratch the surface of.

Here is the letter I wrote my wife

To My Diamondgirl
I would like to thank you for allowing me to be your husband.
It has been a challenging journey for both of us.
Even though our direction maybe uncertain.
I will commit myself to Christ to be the godly man that He has called me to be
I will commit myself to you to be the godly husband He has called me to be
Our marriage is a convenant and I will honor that convenant to the best of my

ability and through the grace of Christ.
I love you and will walk in that love daily until there is no breath left in me.

Forever yours
Poohbear

Blog Post: Day 28 - Love Makes Sacrifices

beforethevows — Sun, 19 May 2013 17:19:00 GMT

On to Day 28. Right now I’m just so thankful that God is leading me through ways to do the dares 1200+ miles apart from my boyfriend. I’m not sure if yesterdays dare was in fact “daring”, I just did what I felt was right, which was to tell him that I understood his need for space and I would stop texting or calling or talking to him during the day, since he had mentioned a few days ago that he felt smothered. I’m not sure if this is the right thing to do, but I also know that whatever God’s will is, it is. When I prayed on it, I felt like this was the path to take, so here we go. I’m not sure what the ultimate end of this all will be. He’s home in a few days. Just gonna keep praying for the strength to follow my path, wherever it may lead.

Blog Post: Day 27 - Love Encourages

beforethevows — Sun, 19 May 2013 12:13:00 GMT

For the first time in over a week I got to talk to see my boyfriends face for Day 27. It went well. I thank God for any conversation we have that goes well, does not result in fighting and leaves me feeling like things will probably be ok between us when he comes back. We didn’t talk for long, but I made sure to thank him for driving out of his way to get internet access (he doesn’t have any where he’s staying) to come and talk to me for a few minutes face to face. So what did I apologize for being so hard on him for? Mainly for how I’ve been these last few months was all I could think about when I prayed on it. He mentioned the other day that he feels like I text him too much during the course of the day and it feels to him like I’m checking on him; really it’s just because I’m thinking about him and talking to him during my day makes anything I am actually doing 300% more enjoyable. Regardless he said it bothers him so I made an effort to let him have the day without me texting unless he said something first. I told him I could understand where he was coming from and that I would work on it. I also promised him that I would work on healing myself and getting back to the girl he met when he was deployed, I asked him for his help and thanked him for his patience with me.

What really struck me about this chapter was “you’re not saying you’re perfect, but it seems like you should be able to point out genuine problem areas. Right?” And I thought RIGHT! But as I continued through the chapter I felt my eyes opening. It’s not about that. Yes I have to be able to talk to him about my feelings. But I need to do it with love. I need to criticize less and listen more. I prayed for God to give me the strength to be what this man needs whether I wind up with him ultimately or not. I prayed for God to open his heart to me once again, and mostly to Him. So that my boyfriend can find whatever part of himself he feels he has been missing for a long time. Today is a new day, and I’m so blessed for everything it brings. It’s time to start seeing that.

Blog Post: Good Day

foreverlearning — Sun, 19 May 2013 09:17:00 GMT

Well we tried a church closer to home that the pastor from last week suggested to us. It was nice and comfy, very Australian. It's held in a school building and the pastor was there with his guitar singing. The message was easy to understand and the people were nice. I think we'll go back next week.

My friend came over with her Grandson this afternoon. They are the ones whose Grandfather attacked his Grandson. It was really good to see them. They have come a long way since I last them. The Grandson has stopped having nightmares now and he only needs one more counselling appt. The grandma has finished her counselling. I was thinking that if we keep going to this new church I'll see if she'ld like to come along. We have room for 1 more in our car so I'll ask her.

Blog Post: Day 39 round 2

foreverhopefull — Sat, 18 May 2013 15:12:00 GMT

Today's dare was difficult to do because I am focussing on the possible reaction I'm going o get from my husband. He is annoyed so easily, therefore I'm sure another letter professing my unconditional love for him is going to get under his skin. Last round he appreciated the letter because he was happy to be with me again. He has sure been jerking my heart back and forth. In really trying to give it to God and focus on other things other than trying to save my marriage. He is so confused. Going back to the other day, he stated that he has no desire to have sex with me. He said it in a mean and almost proud way. But yet, 20 minutes later he was making advances and then we did it. During the act, he said he was sorry for neglecting me, but now once again the distance is back on at full force. I do appreciate the fact that he still talks to me about his day and what not. He doesn't really want to hear much of what I have to say, mainly just whatever is on his mind. He found a job that starts in a few weeks and he said he is so excited to get out of the house. I hope him being at work during the day gives him the space he needs in order to get right in his heart according to Gods will. When I'm at work, I don't hear from him all day. He still refers to certain things in our future but he also says negative things about us not being together. Initially I cheated this dare. I left a post it on the fridge just saying I love you and have a nice day. I was going to leave that as my letter. Once I got to thinking about what Sean keeps saying about doing the dares and not worry about the reaction, I came up with a letter. I will leave it somewhere for him to find. It just reiterated my love for him. I thank him for sticking around still and I believe we are on the road to recovery. I state that I am hear to love him no matter what darkness he is carrying. I hope it doesn't push him further away :-/

Blog Post: Day 26 - Responsibility and Love

beforethevows — Fri, 17 May 2013 11:45:00 GMT

The dares just seem to keep getting harder as each day passes right now. Some days I just want to shout, hey give me the patience dare again I can DO that one. On the bright side, it has led to me praying and reading my bible several times a day. In spite of being a country apart right now, in spite of him telling me I’m smothering him, I’m feeling more connected with God and spirit than I have probably ever. So there is that.

On to today’s dare, responsibility. I started with the thing that has most been weighing on my mind, and the hardest for me to say knowing I could lose him in the process. When I confronted him about the email he sent to another woman the other day I told him it had been forwarded to me. Despite the fact he denied ever writing it, I know him well enough to know that he would have still gone to this other woman and torn into her for sending me this information. I didn’t want her to take the blame, it was time to take responsibility. So I told him. It was never forwarded to me. I got into his email and read it. I was shaking as I did it. I sent him an email first, but couldn’t wait for him to read it, so I wound up telling him over the phone instead. I knew it could drive him towards her. I knew he would be furious. But I was feeling too guilty to let someone else take the blame for my actions. And if this is ever to work with me and him, it can’t be based on any lies, even this one, so I told him. I apologized. I told him I went about it in the wrong way (I did). I also tried to convey to him that I was hurt in reading that, that I wanted him to be honest with me when I gave him an opening, I did it all without yelling (bonus point there for me because this would usually turn into a screaming match, I’m still sticking to my rules).

He still denied everything. That he didn’t remember writing it. That if he did it was to flatter her because she was nice, not because he actually felt that way. I tried to ask him to see it from my side. How painful that would be for me to read how he thought someone else was so pretty, how he couldn’t wait to see her, how special she was. How he would feel if I was writing those words to someone else. He said he guessed it would hurt him too but he didn’t MEAN it. I guess in his mind maybe that’s supposed to make it ok, and no matter what I said I couldn’t quite get through to him how disrespected I felt reading that, and that under no circumstances should he be with me and write those kind of things to any other woman regardless of the reason. But it didn’t seem to get through.

Instead he told me he thinks he wants a break. That he’s seriously considering coming home and packing all of his stuff and going back to Ohio after he gets in Tuesday. I was wrong in the way I told him things happened. Really wrong. I fully admitted this, and apologized. But he was still furious (I guess I can’t blame him for that). He said he’s sick of feeling like he’s always being monitored or treated like a liar when it’s been 6 months since he cheated on me and he doesn’t know why I can’t get past it. I keep praying on forgiveness, regardless of what path we take I have to forgive his infidelity and let it go, because it will destroy me if I let it take hold. I have a little daily prayer app on my phone, so I spent lunch yesterday reading the verses about comfort, and praying for help. I’ve asked him to wait to make a decision until he returns home in a few days and then to talk with me about it in person. He says he still loves me. So now I guess I just wait to see what he decides, and keep praying for God to heal my heart and my soul.

Blog Post: Rnd 3 Day 38 Love fulfills dreams

kpransom — Fri, 17 May 2013 10:38:00 GMT

Ask yourself what your mate would want if it was obtainable. Commit this to prayer, and start mapping out a plan for meeting some (if not all) of their desires, to whatever level you possibly can.

One of her desires was for me to be a true partner in our marriage. I met part of that today when I took responsibility of the repair of the car. Before she would do this because for one reason or another she would not trust me to follow up on things like this. Quite frankly I did give up trying to help her on certain things because she didn't trust me. Tonight as I was giving her a backrub she thanked me for taken care of the car and glad she didn't have to do it. She said it was strange for the mechanic to talk to me about the car instead of her. I also am planning something special Lord will for her 50th birthday. She always wanted to swim with dolphins. My wife loves dolphins. So I am starting to save money to a trip to the bahamas. She has never been so this will be something special for her.

Blog Post: Anxious

foreverlearning — Fri, 17 May 2013 05:35:00 GMT

The other day on the way back home my husband and I were following each other in seperate vehicles. It was dark not long after midnight and he told me to stay up close to him. A few hours later down the track it was still dark and raining when he overtook a truck and took off. We have mobiles and a radio in the car that we used to keep in touch earlier on. As I didn't know the road that well I stayed behind for quite some time before I felt ok to pass him. Even then it was nerve racking. Anyway I kept driving with no sign of my husband anywhere. I prayed the whole time feeling more and more anxious as I didn't know where he was. A while later he contacted me and I was quite upset with him, he hung up on me and took off. I pulled up in a town for a bit thinking it doesn't matter anyway, he's gone. Eventually I arrived at the town we were heading to and drove to where he had wanted to go. By this time it was morning. As I was pulling up, he pulled in behind me. He had followed me from just outside the town, with no call or anything. Meanwhile I'm wondering where he actually was as he had our son. When we started talking, I just said to him I needed help to get around the truck back there. He said he had tried to call me up(???) for me to go around and then he couldn't stand being behind it anymore so he took off. I didn't say anymore about it but the thoughts are there of why couldn't he have pulled over to make sure we were ok. I would have been constantly looking out for him.

Then just before it occured to me that the reason I get anxious about being around drinkers or partiers is that I have post traumatic stress from my previous experiences with it. I knew I had it from growing up in an abusive house. It was like a war zone everyday for the 16yrs I lived there. I hadn't thought of it though for my husband and his drinking. He used to be quite abusive and mean towards myself. It was the same kind of situation where I never knew what he would be like. He hasn't been as bad for about 8 months now but he does still drink abit and he said he's not going to stop.

Again lots to pray about.

Blog Post: Confused...game playing?

foreverhopefull — Fri, 17 May 2013 02:50:00 GMT

Lately I have been battling with what thoughts are mine, the enemy speaking, or God speaking to me. My husband and I had a talk last night per his initiation. He stated thy the negative feelings are creeping back in and that he fantasizes about leaving me everyday. He said he just wants his freedom the week he wouldn't have the kids. I reiterated that I believe this is his depression talking because he is so different when it is that. I reminded him tht just a few weeks ago he stated he would regretted leaving and thanked me for sticking by his side while he was going through something. He just said maybe I'm right but right now he can't see it and that he won't leave until he for sure knows with a clear mind. He said he is only going to get meaner. He then let me know that he has no sex drive so there is no need to go there with him. But yet he comments on how he would love a Victoria secret model to touch all over him! He says anything he can to hurt me, but I immediately go into prayer. So my question is this, do I not initiate anything? No sex, no cuddling, no affection and just let him lead all that? I feel like that's a game, but Sean, you stated that these things might push him away. I just don't want to be so available to him I guess. I told him there needs to be boundaries with respect and that he can't speak to me the way he does at times. He didnt care what I had to say about that. He said he is not capable to provide me what I deserve when it comes to love and that's why he wants me to find a Christian man that can make me happy. He joked yesterday that he wished I were dead, and when I got teary eyed he said I was too sensitive and that I can't take a joke. I just don't know what is being a doormat and just doing what Jesus would do. If I don't stand up and respect myself , how can I expect him to?

Blog Post: God's Unfinished Story Part 2

Rick H — Thu, 16 May 2013 23:26:00 GMT

Yesterday I wrote about my morning meeting with the 91 year old bride to plan the 70th wedding anniversary party of her and her 93 year old husband. I detailed how she told me the story of their 70 year marriage since meeting in Oklahoma, her opinion of the modern concept of being “happy” in marriage, how people who say, “I just want to be happy” (that’s a direct quote from my wife) are really saying “all I really care about is myself”. She also described surviving the Great Depression and the Dust Bowl in the 1930s. Her husband fought in World War II and the Korean War. It was like studying a pastiche of history sewn together with one marriage that has lasted 70 years… so far. This is what the Lord did for me to start off the day.

Through the rest of the day, He began to show me how He was busy writing the new story for me, how He was going to create opportunities for testimony, how what He has in mind for me extends far beyond the confines of a less than good marriage. At the same time he showed me things that said He was still at work so love still needed to be patient… at least for a while! The phrase “wait on God’ was a common theme of the day.

I had a wonderful conversation with Pastor Anthony about dealing with anger. Honestly, my wife taking the 2 week trip to Europe with the CEO guy and not pay for anything not only made me angrier than anything else she has done, but the undertones of a well off guy she met in a “bottle” club where rich guys go to meet women interested in rich guys, a man she had only seen for 2 weeks at best when she planned the trip, took my disgust for her actions to a whole new level…or perhaps down to a new basement. Her open adultery in a situation where we are not even legally separated had me questioning Anthony, “this IS adultery, right?” I had been ready to let her have the quickie divorce, to find any excuse to get that ring off as soon as possible.

But God was in control of this day and He spoke to me clearly, allow her the separation, keep the ring on. But why? Does this mean there’s still a chance for the marriage? Do it because I asked you to, because it is My will. I almost cried in the van on the way home. OK, Lord, I don’t understand, but OK. Then when I got home it was as if I felt God put His arm around my shoulder and say, “ I know things have been a little tough lately, rejoice in this day I have made for you.” Still not understanding but feeling strangely MUCH better, I sat down and wrote yesterday’s journal. All the time I kept hearing in my head “I have plans for you”. I’m still hearing it today, in fact.

Slowly but surely, the thoughts of my wife dissipated. Before this all started, I spent a lot of time alone because of my wife’s travels. I lived somewhat through the online social world of Facebook, Linkedin, and the professional DJ sites that I belong to. Since this all started back in November, I had pretty much shunned all that, feeling my pain would come screaming through on every post. Lately I have dipped my toe in the water a little as a business person, but personal sharing has been kept to the bare minimum. I have also been careful about mentioning my revived faith in the social context. Yesterday I made a couple of short posts, one about how hearing the 91 year old lady talk about her marriage was like getting a glimpse into the mind of God and another about God putting his arm around my shoulder and saying what I wrote above with a few details on the day. The reaction shocked me with the number of people “liking” and the comments. People want to hear stuff like that, Suddenly I realized that your personal ministry, your testimony is EVERYTHING, everything you do, say, write, or tweet, be it personal or business related. It’s ALL the Lord’s work. The whole of your life is your testimony , your ministry. You live in Christ, you walk in Christ, you talk in Christ.

I read something about how the progression in Christian life is like an hourglass with the cross in the middle. Your life before the cross is wide but ever narrowing as time goes on, but then once it gets as narrow as possible and you pass through the cross in the middle of the hourglass it begins to ever widen again. I completely understood that wonderful analogy.

Around 4pm I got the text that I have been waiting 3 weeks for. My son text me that I could come and see my granddaughter. She’s been in an intensive care unit since her surgery so one visitor at a time is the norm. I drove to the hospital smiling all the way and when I saw that beautiful little being it was truly love at first sight! I got to hold her for over an hour and all I did was stare and smile for that entire time. I hadn’t held a newborn since her father, but this sure felt different than any other time. Other grandparents had warned me about the bond and I certainly felt it. I got to hang around for another hour while she was being fed and changed, blessed to see her awake and alert. I was so proud of my son. He is going to be such a great dad. As I have said, my bad example certainly had a good result with both him and my stepson.

His fiancee' looked at my hands as I was hanging over the crib and said “you’re still wearing your wedding ring?” I hate to say it, but my children are all quite happy over the impending divorce as they feel like they are finally getting their father back. No sense beating the details here, but that’s how they feel and I can actually understand. I looked at the ring and could feel God entering that room. Is this why you want me to keep wearing it? God smiled and I looked at my daughter in law to be, “it really doesn’t have anything to do with her, it’s more about my faith. Just because one person does all the wrong things that doesn’t mean everyone has to. If and when the divorce is final, I’ll take it off.” To my surprise no reaction, no stop being such a wimp, dad, no how could you do that with the way she has treated you. My daughter in law just said her hands were too swollen to get her ring on and the moment passed, but the testimony was out there, God…writing the story again. Preparing the future. Laying the groundwork.

After the hospital visit, I scooted to the church, where I got my elderly parents to eat for the second week in a row even though I wasn’t there. I caught the final hour of my discipleship class remembering Anthony's recipe for healing. Time in the Word, time in prayer, time in fellowship with believers… Time. When the class ended Pastor Bruce shocked me by asking me to close the class with prayer. I had no apprehension. It was brief and with beam like focus, a prayer directed by the Holy Spirit. Thank you, Father, for this time, thank you for your unending love. Fill every heart here with that love and then lead that heart as we leave. Put one person in front of each of us during the next few days, one life we can help you change by revealing the love and power of your glory. We thank you for this time, we thank you for this church, we thank for each other, but most of all we thank you for your beloved Son who walked among us in perfection and then gave His life that we may be forgiven our sins and take our place in heaven beside Him. Thank you for Jesus Christ. Amen.

Blog Post: Day 26 - Responsibility

arap926 — Thu, 16 May 2013 15:42:00 GMT

This is something that I came to terms with a while ago. I have asked my husband for forgiveness in a general sense and then specifically about each thing that came to mind. One time I flipped out on him because he stained the brand new couch and then went out and bought 3 different products to try to fix it and none worked. As I was trying to clean it I continued to rant. One day that came to mind and I asked for forgiveness. I have done this often and now it just seems to annoy him. I have asked for forgiveness in a general sense for all the things I have said and done. He has said he forgives me but I’m not sure. All I know is that I forgive myself, I have repented and now I will not focus on that person that I was because she is dead.

I just pray that God continues to reveal anything else or any other areas where I have failed in my responsibility to my husband or any areas where I have said or done things to God that were wrong. I always try to be honest with Him. I tell him how I feel. Sometimes I am very angry with him but I eventually get over it. I think He can handle that.

I am sure that sometimes I probably make excuses for my actions without even knowing it but I have been trying. What stood out to me was the whole thing about not taking responsibility for our actions to prove how noble I’ve been but to admit how far I have to go. I do know that I have a long way to go which is pretty exciting but I know my default is to pat myself on the back. Those around me are constantly telling me how strong I am and how much of a good job I have been doing with my situation. I know it’s all God but some of it does go to my head. Even my husband complements my strength. It becomes hard to stay humble but I’m working on that.

I am very concerned with my husband’s needs and for an entire year have not even considered my own. I feel that it is time for a healthy balance. It was soooo good to hear – THIS IS NOT A DEMAND THAT YOU BECOME A DOORMAT! Oh praise God!

The question was what does K need to see in order for him to believe that my confessions were more than just words. I have shown him selflessness and patience and love and I do not attempt to control him and I am no longer easily angered.

Blog Post: Day 28 - Deep Breath

italy716 — Thu, 16 May 2013 14:08:00 GMT

The journey my husband and I have been on through the healig of my adultery is exhausting. It's been 8 months since he found out and we have had huge healing. I started going to counseling on my own 2 months ago...my husband shocked me last week and told me that he too had started counseling 6 weeks ago!!! Knock me over! We have had an amazing 3 weeks but then last night like many times before the foundation we are trying to rebuild started to crack. He said "I am just supposed to live with what you did? I am supposed to wear this and say it's ok and still take care of you"? How do I respond to that? He keeps thinking that at the 1 year mark all should be healed and if not then we need to end this. How can you put a time constraint on healing? I feel that only hinders the process. I keep praying for him to remain strong...for Christ to give me the strength to be calm and have the right words when the foundational cracks appear. Today I have a lot of anxiety......

Blog Post: Day 35 - Accountability

Bryan — Thu, 16 May 2013 12:32:00 GMT

Not sure if I should expect the best and proceed that way or expect the worst and prepare that way.

Through other's of my support team, the conversations regarding a reconciliation should probably not be started by me at this time. They feel its best to let her start any of these conversations and since she has probably confided in them more then me that is what I will do at this time. But that does not mean I can't get some of my ducks in a row if/when they may happen.

Would love a Marriage mentor couple to be able to talk and discuss openly with past, present, and future issues. I have a couple in mind and would like to approach them on the subject when the time is right. I don't want to start false hopes with myself or with them. They are our former neighbor's and we had gotten to know them fairly well in the 7 years we lived next to each other.

Marriage counseling was something I had asked her to do with me when this first started and she said she needed time first. Still willing to give her that time. But I feel we still need to do this, its just finding the right one at the right time.

Both of the people who caution me to give her the space and time she needs are very hopeful that this will come to a reconciliation. They have both spent time with her and in prayer and this is the feeling that they both get. To me this is great news, but have to let that expectation go. I can not fix her, I can only fix me. Time in communication with God is helping along with the counsel from others on this site. For all that I am grateful and thank God daily for all the support he has provided for me.

Blog Post: Day 25 - Love Forgives

beforethevows — Thu, 16 May 2013 12:05:00 GMT

Day 25 starts out by saying that it’s the hardest dare in the book. In light of recent events yesterday, I definitely struggled with this one today. I’m a big believer in forgiveness. I talk about it all the time when I teach yoga (my second/third job). Funny how I spend so much of my week telling other people to forgive, even if they don’t know how, but to genuinely say that they do and put that intention into the world, because holding on to a grudge does not serve them. I need to get better at taking my own advice I guess. I spent most of the day feeling sick over my boyfriend telling me I’m smothering him and over the email I read. I found myself returning to my bible for comfort on my lunch break and reading the psalms, and whatever else struck my fancy. I trusted God would guide me to the passages I needed to read. I prayed, I don’t know, multiple times yesterday. I prayed for strength, I prayed to forgive my boyfriend, I prayed to be able to follow His path with honor. Before I went to bed I worked my way through an exercise that I always give my students in class. I took all of the things I was trying to forgive my boyfriend for, the infidelity, the lies, the temper, seeming callous and cold to my feelings, making me feel small, and I gave that feeling a color. While praying I closed my eyes and pictured that color leaving me, the anger, the feelings of betrayal, the hurt. It helped. I woke up after a bad round of nightmares of him telling him he’s cheating on me again, which kind of has me down today. I’m still praying. I’m still putting my forgiveness out there. I know that God will heal my heart in his own time.