Collaborate without boundaries

Day 3 has me confused

  • Comments 5

I don't know how to put this without sounding selfish. I know I'm supposed to put my wife's feelings before mine but I need some guidance on a situation. I am a singer and have been in bands for 20 years. I have an opportunity to be in a fun band that has the potential to be successful on a local level. Initially my wife said she didn't like the idea of me joining because there was a female singer in the band also but didn't want to stand in my way. I joined and agreed to a show that is next week. This is now becoming a problem, my wife is giving grief over doing this. Do I do the 1 show and then quit to make her happy and potentially make me resentful? Am I being selfish for wanting this or is she acting on her own insecurities? What do I do, I am confused by this. Thank you.

  • Reverse the tables.  Is being a part of this local band more important to you than keeping harmony in

    The marriage? If you choose to not join it, you can't resent her for that given it was ultimately your choice and you choose her. If you choose the band, I would say your priorities are probably not where they need to be for a healthy marriage

  • It could be a lot of things.  I know that my insecurities play up at the most inopportune times.  So I think what you need to do is have an honest conversation with your wife.  No judgment.  Just listen.  Why does she have an issue with this singer?  Does she know her? Have you given her reason not to trust you? Is she insecure about your relationship and feels like time spent with this singer is taking away time spent with her? Can you help her feel better about it by having her come to rehearsals and shows so that she can see this is truly just a working relationship?  Can you pour more time into your marriage so time away with the band doesn't feel like a burden to her?  Is it something else that has nothing to do with the female singer that's bothering her?  I know as a woman sometimes I'll think that the issue is one thing but in talking over my feelings with my husband I'll realize there's an underlying issue I'm not addressing and I'm just masking it with something easy to get upset about (like a female singer).  Once you've heard her out, see if you can come to a compromise.  Ask her, "What if I do the one show I've committed to, you come along for it, and if you still feel this way I quit the band?"  Then the ball is back in her court.   She probably wants you to succeed, and that's why she agreed to this in the first place, but there is obviously something going on that needs to be handled that's making her give you grief now.  Letting her know that you will always choose her over anything else is important, and sometimes it's all that's needed.  I know in my own marriage when I've had issues like this, my husband has said that he'd choose me over everything else if that's what I really wanted but he laid out for me what that would mean financially and personally to him as well.  The idea that I'm still first has been enough to smooth my insecurities in most cases and I've gone on to say, "You know what? You're right.  This isn't a big deal." Sometimes I've still asked him to choose me, and he's done so without resentment because he said he would and because he's very committed to me.  So I think knowing why your wife has a problem, and really making sure you know the real reason not just the convenient explanation, and moving forward from there is the real key.

  • Thank you so much for your input, I really appreciate you taking the time to help me! I think I have a better understanding now, thank you again!

  • Do your best to show unity to her in the marriage.

  • Thank you Tim, I'll do just that!

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