Collaborate without boundaries

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My wife and I have been married only 7 months she believes that I cannot change and their is nothing anyone can say to her to make her change her mind that she wants out. 1st she said she wants an anolement which I don't think is possible because we both wanted this and it's not she is saying she is leaving to her moms..we got into major arguments these past 4 months and 2 or3 of them I ended up hitting the wall and she said it's too much for her she says she is in a verbal abusive marriage, she says I put her down and blame her for everything and I cannot grow because I won't allow her to grow..I told her I did not know better how to respond in marriage but now I know..she says its too late and I'm lying just like the other few times. She is also deceived into thinking we are not supposed to be together it was a mistake, she says we are not compatible at all and she consulted holy spirit and she's made peace with this decision but repented. I just heard her on the phone with her mom not too long ago she asked if the room was ready and that made my heart drop.

  • Welcome!  I’ve been married 13 years and I am in the same situation you are in.  You feel like your world is falling apart.  You can’t begin to imagine life without your wife.  It hurts so bad.  You would do anything to make it work.  You are lost, confused, and hopeless.  If this is how you are feeling you came to the right site.  There are amazing people here who will help, listen and give you encouragement.  My first piece of advice is to get right with God.  Surrender your life and control of it to him.  Let him guide you.  Once I did that I felt a huge weight off of my shoulders.  My marriage is very much in jeopardy but the only hope I have left is getting help from God.  Follow these dares and they will change you, they have for me and I’m only on day 15.  Watch the movie over and over again.  Pray Pray Pray.  I have you and everyone else here in my prayers.

  • knight, leave a reply with what you have tried to do to journal and maybe someone can give you a better idea of how to journal.  Did you try to start a new account?  Not sure if that would work or not.

    Togba, I will come back and read your entry in a little while hopefully.

  • I'm on dare 12 and I need advice on it..she is at a point right now where she does not care about our marriage and she blames me for the destruction..everytime I bring up about us working things out she gets angry amd says it's impossible I do not believe you can change because youve lied in the past and said you would and it got worse..bringing up this dare will make her angry..???

  • Im sorry Dare 13 I mean

  • Welcome Togba.  This will be a journey between you and Christ, not you and your wife.  She will be used as a tool to mold you. Do a dare a day, no more, no less.  Do not change the dares to make them easier, such as the dare you are afraid of doing now.  Do not have expectations of her when you do the dares.  In fact it often gets worse before it gets better, but this will serve purpose.  Do not read ahead in the book except the appendix, especially about leading the heart.  

    She will say these things to help her justify her behavior.

    She may not admit it, but she will see the changes you are making as you do the dares. But she will think it is temporary or all a ruse to win her back. Then if she comes back, you will go back to your old ways.  This may take some time for her to see the changes in you are real.

    so, do the dares the best you can and remain consistent.  She needs to see your testimony stay consistent over time.

  • Sometimes action speaks louder than words.  It sounds like you may have some anger issues and your wife can't be the one to help you sort these out.  May I suggest speaking with your pastor to inquire if there is counseling offered at your church or is he can recommend a good Christian counselor?  There is no shame in seeking help with things that may be larger than we are.  If you are punching walls in anger, I would imagine you are scaring your wife that one day it will be her that you punch.  She needs to see  you making an effort to do what is necessary to make her feel safe by seeking help in healing what is damaged in  you.  Ask your wife if she is willing to sit down with your pastor and map out a course of action that involves you seeking counseling alone and possibly some sessions with her.  It's possible that she will soften if she realizes you see you need help sorting what is going on inside your heart and mind.  There are many ways to fight for our marriages, but if anger is dominating everything, the battle is lost before  you begin.  Hey none of us are perfect.  I did so much to damage my own marriage too.  I'm just going by what you shared and as a woman, a  husband punching walls would be a scary thing for me.  I believe you love your wife and want to do what is necessary to make her feel loved and safe, so I would say seek counseling and let her know you are doing so.  If she doesn't come around as quickly as you feel she should, keep going for as long as it takes to settle whatever causes you to respond in such a way.  As Tim has said, this is really a journey between you and God and no matter what happens with your marriage, God is sovereign and a relationship with Him imperative and full of joy.

  • This is a LONG journey. Once these feelings pop up and your spouse brings them out in the open as a last resort the road becomes really difficult. You have to be patient now. She is very angry, confused and scared. I was an angry person also. I made the decision last year to follow the Bible exactly. By making that decision I had to put away all wrath, Believe me, there are days I would just like to punch someone in the face but that's never the answer. Patience is best. Romans 12:19-21 says "Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. Therefore

    “If your enemy is hungry, feed him;

    If he is thirsty, give him a drink;

    For in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head.”

    Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."

    Being nice is far better then showing anger. God will take care of any punishment that is necessary. You may not see it but He is always working.

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