Stan's journal

DAY 8: Love is not Jealous

Stan — Wed, 21 Apr 2010 16:54:37 GMT

By nature I have always been a very jealous person and I have struggled with this in my relationship for years. I believe a lot of it goes back to failed relationships I have had in the past where i have burned. As for my wife has never really given me any reason to be jealous. For so many years I have dealt with my jealousy, but you know I thought it was under control. When we would go out and other guys used to flirt with my wife it would drive me crazy. I don’t know why because she never used to really pay them any attention and over the years I came to this understanding, “she came here with me; she is going home with me; she loves me and that is why she married me.” That really helped me see how lucky I really was. Then when she would go out with her friends to places with her friends, that I have been trying to take her to for years, I would get a little jealous and say things like, “I thought we were going to go there together.” Obviously, that was the wrong response. I should have been excited for her and encouraged her to enjoy herself, and if she liked it then we could go again.

You know my wife has never really gave me any reason to be jealous until, approximately 3 weeks ago, when she reconnected with her ex-boyfriend she had been dating before she met on facebook. In fact I seen the friend request and could of deleted it, but I didn’t think that was the right thing to do. Well what started out as something innocent turn into something more? I found out about it by accident when I took her suggestion to send him a thank you for bringing us together. I got on his facebook, and didn’t see anything she said she had sent him. So then I went into the messaging and there it was she was talking to him about our entire relationship, about when they were together, and that she maybe was never really in love with me. She said she was in love with the idea of being married and had not truly been in love with me for a long time. Of course I was blind-sided by this. It hurt so badly. When I confronted it with her she said that she was going to tell me, but she wanted to wait till we were home. You want to talk about jealousy, everything I have ever tried to put out of my mind came rushing back, and I can’t help but think that I pushed her in that direction. I hate the way it made me feel.

You see, she was dating him before me and he was a good friend of mine when we were stationed in Europe. Well he went home on leave and before he left he had mentioned that he was going to possibly get back with his ex-girlfriend stateside. Well, to make a long story short while he was gone we hung out a lot, but I never crossed the line and never mentioned what he had told me; I didn’t feel it was my place. I did mention to her on one occasion that if they ever broke up I would love to take her out. Well he returned approximately 30 days later and sure enough I seen her driving over to my house and she was upset. She had said that he broke up with her and that he had some other girl’s pictures in his wallet. Well I called off from my extra job and took her out to dinner and we were married approximately 60 days later and have been for 21 yrs.

I was so upset and angry I didn’t know what to do. I sat down and immediately wrote him an email and told him basically the following: This is not a letter to catch up on old times. You obviously know that I am aware that he has be corresponding with my wife, and what started out as innocent has turned into something more. I told him I have been married to her and loved her for over 21yrs and still do. I explained that I was not going to stand by and not fight for what I believe in. I then continued to say that any decent and honorable man would not be talking to my wife the way you have been. Finally, I closed with saying; I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt, and asking you to stop corresponding with my wife. His response to me was this; “Cool man, I didn’t want your wife anyways. Good Luck!” I copied my wife on the email. After receiving his response, I forwarded it to her, not to hurt her, but with a message. I told her, he might not want you, but I do! I told her that I loved her with all my heart and that she was a blessing to me and our children. I also told her I didn’t fault her for this, because I felt he was just playing on her feelings at the time. She had later apologized and said to me he was saying all the right things to her and he was playing on her feelings at that time. She said it was eye opening for her and she wasn’t talking with him anymore. Basically that is how we got where we are today.

Now that I have rambled on for a while, it brings me to yesterdays dare: DAY 8: Love is not Jealous. This is one of the three items she listed that irritated her or made her feel uncomfortable. In a lot of ways I have always been her biggest fan when it came to her photography and her cooking. She received 3^rd place a the Texas State Fair last year for a July 4^th Photograph and a Cranberry-Jalapeno Jam , which is her own recipe, and that was the first year she had ever entered anything. I was so proud of her but in some ways I think I may have smothered some of her thunder, by not being 110% supportive as I should have.

Anyway, the first thing I did when I returned home was burn my negative characteristics. I am going to do my best to stay out of the “Depreciation Room”. Yesterday my son had a Lacrosse game so while on our drive I was trying to start up a conversation with her, but she wasn’t that talkative. Finally, I just came out with it. I told her that I know I haven’t always showed it, but I am by far her biggest fan when it comes to her photography and her cooking. I told her how I’m always telling people about her photography and showing off her web site. I told her work was awesome. I really didn’t much response. So before the game we stopped for dinner and I brought up her award winning jam. I asked her if she still intended to participate and the same bazaars she did last year. I told her I really did have a good time helping her sell her jam; I told her it was a fun time. She said she didn’t really know what she going to do.

Well the entire time we were at the game we were talking a little bit more and I complimented her again on her action photography and reminded her that pretty much everyone who has seen her work loves them. In fact, I reminded her that the lady that had owned another photography company locally had closed up shop and was looking for someone to forward her clients to and she had asked me for her information. After that she began to open up and talk to me a little more. This was nice. It wasn’t as cold and we were laughing and communicating. She truly is a beautiful lady inside and out. But, I didn’t stop there. When we returned home she had opened up her website and was looking at some of her work. I walked into her office and sat next to her and said," you know I truly love your work, you are so talented. You give every person the same attention to detail when editing their photos no matter if they are a close friend or if they are a referral and that say something. I am really proud of how you took your hobby and turned it into the business it is today.”

Finally, we were lying in bed, kind of joking and talking, it was very nice. I brought up both of her businesses and also brought up her possibly going back to school as possibly a pastry chef. See one of her dreams she has had was to open a “Nostalgic Bakery”. I had asked her which she would like to do more. I again praised her on her cooking, but also said her photography is already established. She then made a good point. She said she still needed a lot of equipment. I told her if she was still serious about opening the bakery, I think it would work and I would be behind her in what she decided. She kind of took everything in and asked why now, and I told her I have for a while been looking how we could get the funding for her business and have been looking at some places she could set up shop. We continued to talk and just have good conversation between each other, it just felt right. We talked about, getting a new washing machine, the other night fixing up the back yard and also getting my son through high school. I don’t want to jinx myself, but just these little things gives me hope.

All I know, reading this Dare: Love is not Jealous really hit me. If anything I have learned is Jealousy is like a cancer. It will eat at you and fester inside you. I’m going to be honest; it’s not going to be easy by no means. I choose not to be jealous and I have chosen to love my wife. I hope I didn’t ramble on too much, it’s just this dare spoke to me load and clear, heck I think when I opened to it had neon lights blinking. Again I can’t thank you enough for all of the support and prayers. Thank you.

Day 5 ended nice

Stan — Sun, 18 Apr 2010 20:12:50 GMT

Day 5 was kind of a somber day yesterday. As I previously posted that Day 4 was heart breaking but yet nice. Yes my wife said she didn't want to be married anymore, she wanted a divorce, but because I applied what I learned in the first 4 days of this dare we actually had a 2 1/2 hour meaningful conversation with out the finger pointing, yelling and screaming. Well enough I just trying to set the tone for the day Love Dare

I woke up fairly early and read the day 5 Love Dare. I thought about it a long time and was trying to figure out how to ask my spouse to "tell me three things that cause her to be uncomfortable or irritated with me"? I pretty much had an idea of what she going to say or I thought I did. So instead of going right to the task I started thinking about our conversation the night before and I became a little melancholy and was kind of moping around, yea poor me. I started to do some things to try and clear my mind. I did some praying, read some Proverbs and then I posted my first journal entry. By the way Sean, thank you for the insight. During my journal entry, my son, who is 15 and still doesn't know what is going on between us, or I think he doesn't know asked me to help him get the lawn mower started, I asked him to give me a minute to finish my journal and I would be right there. Well he was able to start the lawnmower himself so I continued with my entry. Later he came in and asked about the gas weed eater and I again asked him to give me a minute and I would be right there. I finished my journal and my Day 4 post and went out to help him. I began weed eating the yard and then we went to the park to toss the Lacrosse ball around.
While at the park I was still kind of in that poor me mode. All the while we were there I thinking how I was going to accomplish this dare. Well while at the park my phone didn't stop ringing. It was a good friend of ours just checking how I was doing and asked if I wanted to go to the cook-off with her and her husband. I said sure, because earlier I had asked my wife if she would like to do something today, "like go to the International Festival" and at first she kind of lit up and said, "That would be nice" , but then said, "No" I have to much work to do. Well at this point my son was kind of getting up set cause I was supposed to be there with him to throw the Lacrosse ball around and I kept answering my phone. Well anyway we finished at the park, I even let him try to drive the truck, its a standard, that was fun.

Anyway, to make a long story short, it wasn't until about 8:45pm when we returned from the cook-off that I was lying in bed watching TV that I completed the Day 5 Dare. When I asked her she kind of looked at me and said, You only want 3? Then laughed and pointed out the following things which made her uncomfortable or irritated:

"Possessiveness, Lack of Trust and Pouting"

Well, while I was taking all this in, she threw a wrinkle into this dare and asked the same question in return. Whoa, she wasn’t supposed to do that, it caught me totally off guard. She said I'm sure you have a long list, because you always tell me the things I do that make you mad. You know I really wasn't prepared for that. So I sat back and thought about it and said in a kind manor:

The way she handled finance (Ex: Writing checks because she had them) and basically her BlackBerry addiction."

She said she expected the first one, but not the second one and she became very defensive. I calmly explained that it bothered me that she has it everywhere even in bed. If it goes off, no matter where we are or what we are doing she will answer it, be it face book, email or text message. She became even more upset and said I’m on face book more than her, and I don’t just do face book, I get emails for work (She owns her own photography business). I just explained to her I was just answering her question and I was happy for the discussion.

Well, sorry for rambling on, but I plan on focusing on how change the three items she pointed out: Possessiveness, Lack of Trust and Pouting. I had thought I was doing pretty good on the first two, but when I’m down in the dumps its hard for me to put on a act that everything is ok. I'm trying my best to follow the scripture and turn it all over to the lord. I don’t want to be that fence rider.

Finally, It really didn’t hit me until I started writing this journal entry, I was being very selfish yesterday. Everything was about how I was feeling, and that was wrong. I am going to try harder to “lead my heart” instead of following it. That is a task easier said then done.

Well, it has only been 5 days of the Dare and I have learned so much. I plan to stick it out for the entire 40 days. With Gods help and guidance I will succeed. Again, Sean thank you for your insight and allowing me to read your journal entries. They give me hope and inspire me to keep going.

After we talked, we watched some TV then she allowed me to hold her in my arms. Just to hold her was nice. It was a nice ending to what I thought started out as a gloomy day. Thank You Lord!

Everyone, your words of encouragement and especially your prayers are appreciated.

My world Seems to be crashing down all around me!

Stan — Sat, 17 Apr 2010 16:49:52 GMT

Can the Love Dare be done when your spouse is currently unwilling to even work on rebuilding the marriage? I have been married to the same beautiful woman for more than 21 years. She is the love of my life and I cannot imagine loving anyone other than her. About 3 weeks ago she informed me that she loved me, but was no longer in love with me. She said she has felt that way now for some time. This literally shattered my heart. This completely blindsided me. At first she agreed that we could try to work things out and I was all for that.

We have 3 beautiful children ages 20, 18, and 15. We started counseling and at the end of our first counseling session the counselor asked "do you want this marriage to continue?" I said, yes with all my heart and my wife said, no. The Counselor then suggested that we come separately before anyone rushes out and files papers.

So a friend recommended the movie "Fire Proof" and after seeing that movie I just completely broke down. I really could relate to the main character. I cant believe how blind I have been all these years and so neglectful. The movie really moved me and inspired me to by the book, in which I am on day #5 "Love is not Rude".

Since the first counseling session, my wife has decided that she wants to be separated and now after last night she informed me that she just doesn't want to be married anymore. She don't feel that spark, the love and she wants to feel that again. She said she wanted a divorce. We talked for over 2 1/2 ours and even though some of the things that were brought up were hurtful to here it was civilized. I listened to what she had to say, I was patient and kind in my responses, and I tried to not be selfish, but its so hard when I'm willing to fight for my marriage and she doesn't. I explained to her that all I'm asking for is for a chance and both of us to give it 100% of our attention and see where it takes us. She then told me that if I truly loved her I would let her go. I am at lost for words.

To me divorce is not and option. Is this being selfish? I am so confused right now. I want to see her happy but I don't want to lose her.

Any advice is greatly appreciated...your prayers are even more appreciated.

Thanks,

Stan