Collaborate without boundaries

Day 3

  • Comments 5

What can I even say about yesterday - it was filled with so many ups and downs.


I've gotten stuck on this dare in the past. Honestly, can't say I've ever made it past this point in the years I have owned this book and the multiple attempts I have tried.


Yesterday morning was horrific. I woke up super anxious and yet again couldn't just leave him alone. Had to tell him I felt like he had put a wall up to protect himself from me and that he could trust me to take it down because I am doing my best not to hurt him. That made him mad... it got to a point where I brought up doing this for the kids and his response to me was "I have been doing this for the kids for 10 years, I've decided I need to do something for me." I died inside. It solidified his lack of attention to our kids and hypervigilence in spending time and giving attention to the foreign exchange student. He tells me that I need to work on my relationships with other before I worry about trying anything with him. One of those others is the student. I have been nothing but supportive of her, but have acted as a parent would. He has become her friend and sees my behavior as mean. I spent the first 5 hours of the day crying at work. Just couldn't keep it together. I then received a "ring" notification that someone was home. It was lunch hour and I got nervous very fast. I don't think he is cheating, but how can I not wonder now? I received several as he walked through the house (we don't have it installed yet, it sits facing the ceiling but picks up sounds). At one point It definitely sounded like he was talking to a female. I had to know, so I left work and went home. No one was there... but when I got there, he talked more to me then than he has in weeks. The day went similar - most of the conversation about some issues the foreign exchange student is having... but at least talking.

Yesterday for the dare I bought him jeans. He helped carry in the groceries and just threw the bag on the steps. At one point I told him I bought him a couple pairs of jeans... his response "do you know how many pairs of jeans I have." I told him yes, but he had mentioned this weekend something about a bunch of them having holes. He continued to say he would try them on and see.

He came to bed again last night. Im going to take that as a plus. When he turned off the tv he told me thank you for packing him lunch (yesterday morning I also packed him lunch and set it on the set of his work truck with a note to have a good day). That felt good. To at least be acknowledged for something.

I ordered his mom flowers today. We don't have the money - but his only request of me was that I work on being nice to other people before I worry about him. I sent it with a thank you card for everything she has done for me over the years. This could go a couple ways.... He could get pissed because I am "hinting" to her that something is going on with us. Or he could appreciate that I did it. We will see what tomorrow brings.

A small piece of me just thinks he needs this time.... time for me being 100% focused on him. Another piece of me thinks I am crazy for having hope. That even if he is friendly, that won't make him love him. Losing control is hard. I want to control his feelings. I want to force him to care. But obviously I can't. So until the decision is made one way or another on his part... I sit back and wait, hope, and pray.

I just want him back :(

  • Based on my own experience anything you say will be turned against you. Like doing things for the kids. My wife left our kids and me for seven months and when I pointed out to her that I took care of them by myself during that time she said that's what she has been doing for 20 years. Not true but she's angry and will use anything she can to hurt me. Your husband is doing the same I assume.

    Worrying yourself over what he is doing will only drive you crazy. Knowing that as long as you do the right thing no matter what he does will work out for you in the end. Taking the high road is no cliché. It's the truth.

    Keep doing nice things, not necessarily buying things, but nice acts of kindness, regardless of his behavior. Don't expect anything! Especially a thank you or any kind of acknowledgment.

    If you are doing the dares then don't do the extra things. It probably will make him mad.

    I feel the same way about being crazy for having hope. And you're right, you can't force him to love you. He either will or he won't. The bottom line is that a vow was made and breaking that vow is wrong. No matter what anyone says so don't feel bad for standing for what you believe in. There are going to be many people that tell you that you are wrong and you are crazy. Ignore them and continue to focus on what God tells you.

  • You have tried the dares in the past your way....and quit a few times.  This time do it God's way and complete the dares.  When we do things our way we end up in a mess as you can see.  Now trust this round by doing it God's way.

  • Welcome.  Realize this will be a journey between you and Christ, not you and him.  He will be used as a tool to mold you.  Do a dare a day, no more, no less.  Do the dares as intended to be done, without manipulating them to make them easier.  Have no expectations of him when you do the dares.  Read the appendix, especially about leading the heart.

  • IF that alarm notification is going to cause you to snoop it would be best to turn it off (other than for safety if you feel you need it).    

    When you do the dares, don't point out that you did them, such as telling him you bought him jeans.  Just let him find them on his side of the bed or in the closet.  When you point out what you do you set yourself up expecting a thank you and often times that doesn't happen.  And also, when we point out what we did, it takes away the act of kindness since they end up thinking we did it for the thank you, not really to be nice.

  • You are right that he needs this time.....He does need time to have his own space.  (thus the dare a day, no more part.)  This will give God more time to work in him and keep you out of the way of getting in God's way.  

    As far as focusing on him 100%....Turn that into focusing on God 100%.  IF you focus so much on him he will feel you invading his space he needs right now.

    The corrections you need to make in yourself will be exposed and corrected if you do the dares as intended.

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