Collaborate without boundaries

Here's to hope

  • Comments 2

My husband and I have known each other for 20 years.  He's my highschool sweetheart, but we didn't marry in highschool.  Instead, we married other people, got divorced (in my case twice), and then reconnected 4 years ago.  My husband is a wonderful man, but he struggles with emotions.  He doesn't know how to express them, and he's uncomfortable with other people expressing them.  Last year, he became a Christian---an answer to a 20 year long prayer, really.  We've been married for 3 years.  I had our son last year, and then unexpectedly got pregnant again.  This pregnancy is hard, not because of the pregnancy itself.  It's just too soon.  We both wanted to wait a bit longer.  Also, my ex-husband likes to stir up trouble, especially when I'm pregnant (cue the calls to CPS on an almost weekly basis).  

I think my husband began pulling away from me when we found out I was pregnant.  He wanted to be supportive because he knows that I will carry this child no matter what, but he also felt tricked and trapped because it happened really soon.  He knew before I did because God told him in a dream.  I felt the same negative feelings he did, but neither of us talked about it.  

His pulling away along with the stress from the harassment of my ex-husband pushed me to the edge.  I questioned my husband about the distance I was feeling starting between us.  He felt it was baggage associated with my past relationships (which also ended during pregnancies), and on some level he's right.  I was way more sensitive because I was afraid.  He thought I was accusing him of being unfaithful, which I was not.  I suspect this was the result of baggage of his own from past relationships when questions about distance were almost always followed by allegations of cheating.  He takes those extremely personally because he prides himself on his honesty and integrity.  No matter how much I tried to tell him that wasn't what I was saying, the conversations turned into fights and seemed to go no where.  I felt alone, overwhelmed, extremely depressed, and I threatened suicide.

Now my husband took that badly because I'm pregnant.  So he felt that not only was I threatening to kill his wife (myself) but also his son.  For some reason, he thought I would harm our 1 yr old as well, even though I had asked him for the name of someone to care for him in my absence.  Normally, when someone hurts my husband on that level he writes them off.  He cuts them out of his life completely.  And here is the problem---he wanted to do that to me, but he can't bear the thought of doing that to me.  So he tells me he loves me, more than anything, but he's not in love with me anymore.  He just can't forgive me.

So I decided that I would try the love dare in an attempt to help us fall back in love with each other.  The commitment love is there.  He's already assured me I don't have to fear divorce, but I miss the feelings of being in love that have stood with us for the last 3 years.  I don't want my ex-husband or Satan to rob us of the beauty of that, especially not like this.

So today, I started with Day 1:  Patience

Now my husband is a truck driver, so he's gone all week.  I only see him on the weekends, and I have very few complaints about him.  He works hard.  We have similar parenting styles.  We get along really well, and we truly are very compatible, so this day was probably the easiest for me.  I very rarely criticize my husband, and when I do, I try to frame it more along the lines of how we can fix a certain issue in our marriage.  Otherwise, I know him so well that not much gets under my skin.  I know how to hear what he means rather than what he says.  I know when his tone of voice is just reflecting a frustration with his day and not with me.  We communicate pretty well when baggage doesn't interfere, so not saying something negative to him was pretty easy.

I took this one a step further.  Normally, in talking about our days, I'll complain about something around here that's bugging me....the house, the kids, my job....just sharing the normal frustrations of my day.  To me, it's a way to make it seem like he's here facing it with me, but sometimes my husband feels the pressure to fix those things for me.  Being on the road when I'm complaining about something he can't fix immediately stresses him out.  He gets frustrated, and often when I just want him to listen he offers advice on what he would do (which is usually something that won't work for my personality).  So today, I didn't do that.  I made sure that I didn't complain about anything.  It was difficult, especially when our phone call was cut short by the fact that I'm losing my voice and he wasn't feeling well.  I'm trying to hear that he didn't want me straining my voice versus hearing that he just doesn't want to talk to me anymore.  

And that's hard.  But I'm taking it one day at a time.  We'll see what tomorrow brings.

  • Welcome.  This will be a journey, between you and Christ, not you and your husband.  He will be used as a tool to mold you.  do a dare a day, no more, no less.  Do the dares as intended without manipulating them to make them easier.

    do not read ahead except the appendix, especially about leading the heart.  If it gets worse before it gets better, do not fear, it will serve purpose.  

    The timing of the pregnancy may not be ideal for you.  but always remember, that child was known by God before the beginning of time and is such a gift.  

  • Tim,

    I know this child was known by God from the beginning of time more so than I've known that about my other ones because of my husband's dream.  I didn't know I was pregnant.  I had no symptoms at all.  He woke up and told me that God had told him we were having a son and had given him our son's name in a dream.  He asked me to take a pregnancy test.  When I did, we got a positive result.  My husband has never waivered from his belief that this baby has a big calling in his life.  I know all children are blessings.  It's one of the reasons I have felt so guilty for not being happier about it.

Page 1 of 1 (2 items)