Collaborate without boundaries

Day 22-23-24

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Day 23, I tell her a couple times a day that I love her, always have. I usually don’t get an answer back. There has been a few times she has said I love you back but she said it’s because I caught her off guard and it was just a reaction due to her saying it back to me so many times in the past. I will continue to tell her every day that I love her.

Day 24, I’m having difficulty with this one as I’m not really lusting after things. Just my wife. I don’t know of anything that is getting in the way of our relationship from my end. I do know that it’s hard for her to put her phone down and talk to me. If I could change that about her I would love that. We have had that conversation about her phone and I pretty much had my head handed to me.

Day 25, Forgiveness… I do forgive her for what she did and have told her that. I can forgive and move forward but I don’t think I can forget. I still don’t feel the remorsefulness from her like I would be trying to do for the rest of my life. It would constantly be in the back of my mind for the rest of my days. Maybe I have a stronger conscious, I don’t know…    I forgive her for a lot of the things she has done, but when we talk about it, I seem to be the guilty one and if she did anything wrong she says it’s because I pushed her into it. I can’t compete with that logic.

On a side note… I met with my pastor yesterday again for my every other week meeting and we talked about her and how it was going. I told her of the daily struggles and lack of response from her sometimes and it seems like she is still seeing someone else even though she says she is not. We made some good progress I think. She also asked me how I was holding up and I teared up and told her how difficult it is to have a roommate instead of a wife. We talked about the Love dare progress and where I was at with it, and she really likes where I’m at with it and encouraged me to continue with it.  I really like how the dares are bringing me closer to God and I am very thankful for that. I talked to the pastor about maybe talking to anyone else in the congregation who might be going thru the same thing who would be willing to talk to me and form a support group as I would be willing to offer support to them also.  I also expressed interest in joining the bible study group if I could make the time work for me.  I do also have to say that I am starting to feel less emotion towards my wife due to the lack of response from her and that scares me. Has anyone else felt this? I am not sure what to make of it… How do you cope with it when there is no affection returned? My pastor says it’s a normal response but to finish the dares with God in mind and we can reassess where I am at when I finish them.  I have also read the book THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES   if you are familiar with that. I believe it is an awesome book . I wish I would have read it years ago. When I asked if she would be willing to take the test at the end she said after a lot of complaining she would if I would write down the answers.I told her she did not have to do it if she did not want to , it was her choice , no harm done. It didn’t go well as she said several times, I can’t answer this one or that question is stupid. She wanted to know if I was going to keep her answers and analyze her, I said no, it was a tool to help me to better understand and communicate with her. I ended up just giving her the answer sheet back to do with what she wanted.    Frustrated in Wisconsin …

  • I feel like I pushed my wife into what she is doing. I really do but a lot of therapy has taught me that SHE made a choice. I didn't MAKE her do anything. While she thinks that it's true to her. She will have to find a way to accept responsibility for that herself. The best way would be therapy but it may take some circumstance in life to bring her to that point. DO NOT EVER think that it's your fault for one of her decisions.

    You may forgive but never forget but if she asks forgiveness and makes an effort to never make the same mistake again it will be much easier for you to forget someday. It's possible.

    Tell you that you love her but don't overdue it. She probably feels some discomfort when you do. And trust me, you don't have to say it. She knows you love her.

    I am right with you on the lack of emotion. I mentioned that a few days ago in my journal. I feel like now I am forcing myself to love my wife. Even though I feel more distant every day I know what the right thing to do is. I am to love my wife unto death. When there is no affection returned you remind yourself that when Jesus was put on the cross there was no affection for Him and He said "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do." He loved us even when we crucified Him. That's how you get through that. Your wife doesn't deserve your love but you give it to her anyway. It's unconditional.

    My wife wouldn't do the Five Love Language test at all. I gave it to her and it's sitting in her vanity drawer. I imagine some day she will get curious and do it. I may be long gone by then and it may be too late but one thing I guarantee.... keep doing the right thing and your wife will look back someday and know she made a mistake. I spoke with two people this week who got divorced years ago and they both say they regret it.

  • Day 23....Be careful saying I love you too much.  If you normally didn't do it in the past, i would say don't do it at all unless a dare says so.  her hearing it too often will be getting in her space.  So, in prayer, figure out if or how often or when the right time is to say it.

  • day 24, asking her to put her phone down, consider that more than a dare a day.  She this is getting in her space and thus you got your head handed to you.  She will use that phone to separate the both of you., as if it's a barrier that you can not cross to become closer to you.  Just let it go, and don't let that silly little thing get to you.  In fact, look at it as you lusting over her leaving her phone alone.

  • It is not right what she does with her phone I know, but leave this with God. As you show unity while doing the dares and growing in Christ, she is showing division by clinging to the phone.  She will even stay on it at times when she is bored with it, just to get at you..

    DAy 25  As Jesus forgives you, do you want Him to always think of your sins?  If not, let her sins go.  I know we can't control what comes up on our thoughts, but we can let go of the negative thoughts.  If a negative thought dwells in your head, replace that thought with the love God has for you and think of you sharing God's love that He has given you and share that love with her in your thoughts.  

  • Unless the dares say or she brings up what she has done, now is not the time to bring her actions up.  Leave those thoughts at the foot of the cross.  She is not ready to take responsibility, or at least admit it to you.  Because if she did, she realizes that would be her letting her wall down.  She does not want you to see that or for you to think she has softened.  

    What she done in the past is done through her own free will.  she will place blame on you to justify her actions.  But, even though her conscience is dulled right now, God will convict her due to her actions.  Pray she feels the conviction and that she knows what it is and what to do about it.

  • The less emotion toward your wife......For one, you are still holding on to expectations of her responding  to you.  let go of waiting for her to respond.  Do you say goodnight and then hesitate before going to bed or do you say goodby and hesitate before heading to work or out to run errands?  If so, let go of the desire of hearing her respond.  (I'm talking to myself here.  LOL.  )  another reason for feeling less for her is because you are now looking more to God for comfort and not her for comfort.  This is good.  

    Plus I think it is natural to feel less emotion.  But, wnen you feel no emotion, this is when you lead your heart.  Remember, emotions are tricky things.  Follow your emotions and you often are following evil's ways.  Lead your heart to do God's will, and you will be more than okay.

  • Do not worry right now about her walk.  This is your journey with God.  So, do not share the 5 love languages etc with her. She will see it as you manipulating her.  And she's kind of right, because you want her to read or change so you don't have to deal with your head handed to you and to find peace between you two. But right now, seek peace only in God.  

    If you bring things up like the test, she may show a bit of willingness to do some of these things at first, but she will let it stew in her mind and again it will be something that just gets in her space and she will use these things as ways to get at you.  

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