Collaborate without boundaries

Day 14-15

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Day 14 was to neglect my activity and to do her project so I put off watching a movie I had borrowed and did some more painting around the house she wanted done. I did this for several hours until it was bed time. All with a smile and good conversation. Day 15 was love is honorable. I chose to make her a nice dinner that she likes and surprise her.  Dinner went well  and we had a long conversation on the state of our union so to speak. Just when I thought we were making progress I was told to pick a bedroom upstairs or downstairs , as me sleeping with her wasn’t working for her anymore. My choice was the couch I told her instead of the downstairs bedroom. We went  through the bed upstairs was the marital bed and I wasn’t going to live separate lives upstairs and downstairs and be roommates for the 2nd time. I think that frustrated her. She said we can live together  but we won’t be having sex. I said I don’t want to be celibate the rest of my life and  I said I’m not comfortable living separate lives or sleeping with other people , and she raised her voice and hollered “that’s not what I said “  ??   When bedtime came she went upstairs , so I said let me get my work clothes from my side of the bed  .  When I was headed back downstairs she said I didn’t have to go back downstairs if we were going to work on this.. It was my choice if I wanted to go back down to the couch or not . So I said I would stay upstairs then . I got into bed  and she got her pj’s  on and also got into bed , threw  her leg over mine  and said “sweet dreams”  .  The following morning I rolled over and gave her a couple of kisses good morning but she just layed there and wouldn’t  kiss me back .  I got up went downstairs and made her a cup of tea for her and coffee for myself. She came down and sat in her recliner and got on her phone.  I told her I was going upstairs to get dressed for church and she was welcome to come with.  When I was ready to leave for church I came up behind her chair to kiss the top of her head and tell her I love her and goodbye , like I do every day when I leave for work. When I leaned over  she turned her head up and kissed me on the lips and said see you in a little while ..  I am so confused … left is right and up is down anymore. I am loving any attention and touching she gives me but it always leaves me wanting much more .  I pray every day to Jesus to keep me focused and give me the patience to continue on…

  • Do not say things like you do not want to live celebate, etc. And especially not about having sex with others.  Why throw that at her?  It  does not show unity.  worry not about any intimate life with her right now.

    Focus just on a dare a day, no more no less.  And have no expectations of her being intimate for now.

    Sleep in the bed. If she doesn't want to sleep together, let it be on her to separate sleeping arrangements.  

  • She is on a roller coaster ride.  she is following her  emotions.  While you see her swaying all over the place it is for  you to just lead your heart,  and not do as she does and follow your  feelings.  Feelings will pull you from God's walk He has layed out for you.

    she needs to see you stay consistent. Even if things get worse before it gets better.

    She will harden up at times, just to show you she hasn't let her wall down.  This also in her mind helps her justify her behavior.

    when she acts up and down, keep your  hope of comfort in Christ, not her.  She will let you down.  Even near perfect marriages spouses  let the other down upon occasion.

  • Oh man- I can so relate to pick a bedroom after nice convo. It's the most confusing thing in the world. To wonder how this person can be so nice and so cruel at the same time.

    I can see how you are confused because so am I from your story. She is struggling to find something. I wish I could say what but all I can say is you need to be her rock. You need to live exactly how the Bible tells you to so she can build some kind of foundation for herself. I don't know if you go to marriage therapy or not but right now would be a great time to start. Get to the root of your issues so they can be dealt with.

  • Thank you Tim and Eddie for the advice and keeping me focused. It is hard to not get caught up in her emotions and i need to remember that and to find my comfort in Christ .  I have looked into a counselor but our insurance does not cover that as it's not a diagnosible condition they say, it's a communication problem !  If i pay out of pocket it's 160.00 - 195.00 an hour. I can't afford that no matter what. I do see our pastor on tuesdays for an hour or two and she helps me alot. I also expect to see results after the dares and i need to expect nothing like you say. Again, thank you for all your advice guys, i dont know what i would do with out all your help.

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