rbb's journal

day 32 and 33

2012-06-11T22:57:30Z

day 32 and 33

so we did it

and honestly i do care what he does, what he thinks and stuff

just really hate when he says something like "i dont care"

anyways

i pray about the dare and it works well

we went out to have lunch together and grocery

i made food at night and he did some dishes and i did some too

and it went well

about today its a little hard, but i did ask him what to think about doing something and about scheduling things

we did pretty well in the weekend to try new restaurant and stuff

and i start to understand that we are really unique just like the dare said

he clean the dishes, and i cook

he clean up the toys and i do the laudary

i help him do his homework, and he helped me to watch the kid

i just wish that everyday we will be happy

i have been not getting mad that easy and just deep breath to think and pray to god

i just hope god to fulfil with me to be a better person

i still feel that he doesnt love me as a whole but its ok, i still love him and hope to provide him and my kid something good

i pretty much let him decide what to do everyday

hopefully it will be ok

day 31

2012-06-09T04:00:51Z

so day 31

went to pet training and chiropractic together

its ok until going home...he starts saying the chiropractor just try to make money and he said he is not going to listen to what they say about our back, and he prefers to listen to his friends and he thinks that his friend is stronger and in shape and that what he should listen, and start the same conversations that we had long time ago about the protein bar and those muscle milk stuff...i honestly think those are not natural, and those just use chemical stuff to pull the protein out, but he thinks those are actually good stuff and is protein

i dont him that i dont want to talk about it and he starts saying i m dumb, i think he is dumb too, the fact is that he doesnt care about me that much, so i m just saying the same thing to him that i dont want to care about him that much

i tried to care but really useless...and i feel really tired and sick of it, i know that god want me to care about my spouse, i do care, but i dont know

well this dare is tough

we moved out already, but i cant have child care without going back to parent house and drop my kid off

i feel horrible everyday just to drop my son off to them and i go to work, i dont want to go to work but if i dont go to work, and he is not willing to give me money, and that i have to pay my grandma for taking care of my son

i dont know , so confused

i actually did talk to him about the situation, but everytime when we talk about it, either he ignores it or talk something else or just whine or yell at me

what should i do??

i just keep doing what i have been doing, drop my son off and pick him up and i really dont know what else i can do....

day 30

2012-06-07T04:53:19Z

i have some delay of day 30, supposed to do it yesterday or something...lost count...been super busy and exhausted...

well i don t know if i m doing anything right

it says: Isolate one area of division in your marriage, and look on today as a fresh opportunity to pray about it. Ask the Lord to reveal anything in your own heart that is threatening oneness with your spouse. Pray that He would do the same for them. And if appropriate, discuss this matter openly, seeking God for unity.

I have no idea what to isolate? maybe the jealous? i dont know....maybe i dont know about this dare......

well i feel like he is hiding things everytime when i come home, he turn off his computer, so i should just ignore it then , i tried to ask what he is shutting off and he said nothing

i have been so busy, tired, body just feel like going to break down or something....just horrible...taking care of a monster at home driving me crazy enough...dont really have time to look on what to do with the dare and stuff...

i just pray that god will help me to hang in there to deal with this crazy kid and horrible relationship with the husband

super tired..extreme exhausted ...

day 27

2012-06-01T03:33:59Z

this is the hard one....

i have high expectation on my husband all the time...

its hard to just talk with him about that...its odd....

and that i mean i know i should not put any expectation on him anymore

i dont think i can promise to keep them off but i do try my best to give what i have to the family

and i try not to stick with him all the time...i stay with my grandma most of the time

deal with most of the things

but i know that god wants me to put my high expectation away so i will do that

day 23

2012-05-25T23:54:03Z

day 23

havent really had anything that drag me away

maybe the shame part , sometimes i accidentally talked something about him in front of others, i havent really talked to anyone about it lately

he has pretty much all four problems but i dont really see much about myself except the shame part

so what should i do?

day 20

2012-05-21T23:27:44Z

so its day 20, half way of this love dare

last night i asked again, well i didnt really want to ask but i told my husband how i feel, i feel no love from him either way, i dont care, i just hate that when he says he doesnt care what i do, doesnt care whats going to happen, doesnt care about our son and he argues....i didnt want to argue but when i share my feeling...well i might or maybe i should not even share my feeling again....cause what in return is him saying, "its all your fault" and he will keep saying that from the first date he doesnt want to see me in the second day and its just me keep bug him and stick around....and having sex and child is all my fault....

i remembered the day he cheated on me right after we got married, i forgive, and he promise that he will take care of both of us, and that he gives all his things to us, and now he took everything back....

i m still debating whether i should just file the divorced paper, my mom and grandma keep saying its better to do so right now before he screws me over after he got his BA degree and stuff

my friends warned me about me will get hurts and miserable everyday

i just cant really find a way to hang in there....i mean like a simple hug, or listen will work well

i even cook for him while normally i will be too busy to cook, and he said i only cook once a month or something and when he got off work he is all hungry and stuff, but i always make him lunch to bring to work, i make him food most of the time but he just never see it ...

is it all my fault from the beginning all the way right now?

we been together over 4 years, and he said he has been miserable for four years

so he sticks with me because of convenience??

today dare said:

He was willing to love you even though you didn’t deserve it, even when you didn’t love back. He was able to see all your flaws and imperfections and still choose to love you. His love made the greatest sacrifice to meet your greatest need. As a result, you are able (by His grace) to walk in the fullness and blessing of His love. Now and forever.

This means you now share this same love with your spouse. You can love even when you’re not love in return. You can see all their flaws and imperfections and still choose to love. And though you can’t meet their needs the way God can, you can become His instrument to meet the needs of your spouse.

i love him and now i dont expect him to love me back, but how can you tell god is love me the way i m??

its like you say you can hear god, how can you actually hear him? i mean like well HOW?

people say i gotta do what i gotta do, i mean like i dont even know what i should do

there is two voices in my heart keep telling me what i should do, one tell me to move on and divorce, one tell me just stick around and just wait till whatever it comes

what is right and what is wrong

i know i should focus on god and use my husband as a tool to show what love actually is

but if this marriage is not meant to be , i know i have tons of "if" , tons of "him", but is that god really want me to stay around this marriage and try to be a better person and thats why keep pulling me away from divorce

does god really love everyone?? if god doesnt love us, what will he do to us??

so if the fact of me and husband dont work together and dont belong together, is that god put us together to try to make this work?

i put my faith to god but each day i see a little hope and light from it but for some reason i blow it off...or some sort of things that keep me away...i feel like i keep pulling away from the relationship each day

people told me that i can find someone that will make me happy and will work out better

is it true?

so what does god really want me to do?

i tried to be more patience, not selfish, i let him go to do what he wants to do, i try to take care of my kid and i look at my kid not eating and get so skinny, i feel horrible...i offer him tons of different foods, but he just not eating....i know god want me to take good care of my kid, so i stick around, so should i think about how to take good care of both of them? i feel exhausted everyday....why others can be so easy....or is that just me make it complicated?

well i pray god to change my heart...i m not sure if i changed but i know i m trying....about what he show me today, i m not quite sure..is god just a spirit? i m just wondering, when people died, where do they go? is there really heaven and hell? why some people go to hell ? i mean god love everyone? i dont know..

i only know that i may still jealous, he keeps saying he was happier with his ex, but when i asked him why his ex cheated on him, or why he broke up with them, and he says it just get too bored...so i mean he must feel bored and if for responsibility to try to keep this marriage together, i dont think it works right?

i know i know that i should just present the love that i have learned so far to him, but its hard....its hard that i dont have any in return, and i know it what makes it hard, i guess this is what god want me to go through...now that i dont expect too much about in return, i just do it with whatever housework that i do, whatever i have to do, and no matter how rude and mean he treats me, i just do it anyways....he said i whine about everything...maybe i m...i feel better when i share my feeling...even he doesnt care..oh well i dont know what i m doing right now....

please god...please keep changing my heart and pleas giving me more secure and peace....i will keep trying on this love dare until 40 days...and i think i will have the answer....

day 19

2012-05-21T02:06:05Z

not happy at all

he is just so selfish

well i let him go to the gym while i watch my crazy kid

extremely bored here and god keep saying i should be patience and just let him to have fun

then why cant i go have fun?

i want to go out with friends i want to go to jacuzzi i want to do lots of things but i stuck here

i made him meal and i cooked today then what

no appreciation

he is not respect me either

i respect him and he never respect me

should i just love someone else?

i mean like i start to hate this person each day

when i look at him, i just want to punch him in the face

i tried to have sex with him like 3 days in a row, he takes it but just feel no love at all

i hate this things

i hate doing all the nice stuff to him

just ridiculous....i focus on god but god never listen to me

i pray for a better day but it sucks everyday

miserable

my friend said i m miserable and boring and YES because i have a kid and is a picky eater

while his dad just never takes care of him

he even pulls out all the money from the bank and says its all his and not us

why i do this thing? god keep telling me to do this love dare but all this just frustration

why other can have perfect husband and why they treat their wife in a right way, but mine dont...

he never treats me like a wife and he never loves me I KNOW IT and why i m so dumb to keep trying......

i m still debating......should i just give up and move on?

day 16

2012-05-18T04:49:15Z

day 16

so i have to pray 3 things that i would like god to work for my husband

i think i hope that he can help my husband knows how important a family is and he has to care about us more instead of focusing on computer or facebook so much

pray for his attitude will be better to me, treat me with respect and dont tell lie, and he knows what is right and what is wrong

pray for him to know that the body and what he looks like is all from god and that he should appreciate of what he looks like right now and appreciate of what he has right now

i think thats what i would like to pray for

day 14-15

2012-05-17T04:18:52Z

day 14 and 15

been really really busy, dont even have time to write on here...

my son having fever last night, well i was not quite sure if i was doing right

my mom and grandma want me to file the divorce because they both think that my husband is not going to take care of me and he will ask for divorce later since he has never really love me

but i think god keep telling me to hang in there and i know that i cant change him but change myself

this is what one of my friends told me too

i think i still mean and horrible, i tried nto to be though

i m super tired everyday, my son just take tons of my time everyday...really tired....

well i sent my husband a text say thank for watching my son last night , i still did not sleep good since he has fever,

i think i didnt do well on treating my husband good today, but i made him sandwiches to bring to work thats about it

i still feel no love from him

but i remembered the day i go fill the paper out for divorce, god keeps pulling me away from it, so i guess i will keep hanging in there for 40 days and hope i will change my bad attitude...

Day 7 and 8

2012-05-10T05:42:07Z

so day 7 and 8

day 7 was really busy, just working working working

but well i made the lists though, i wrote negative stuff more than positive, so i keep thinking about something positive about him and wrote it

well today is the day i should get rid of the negative list

i didnt burn it but i just cut it in pieces, not sure if it works though lol

but today seems ok, i went to costco with my husband, even though its only less than 1 hour, but i guess he is happy to see our son

just had a little problems with grandma cause she doesnt want us to see him at all

i m not sure but well i just want to be my part and do my business things

i think i start to feel whats going on with love, and i found out that i have been so selfish and jealous all the time

guess thats what god want me to know

day 5 its a hard one

2012-05-06T19:53:48Z

its day 5

it says love is not rude, i think i have been really rude to everyone, not only my spouse but everyone

i feel sorry and guilty on doing that everytime

well i talked to him this morning and ask if he wants to go watch movies that we talked we wants to watch long time ago, he says sure...but he texts me back say he is looking for a place, i m like what place? and he is not answering...i know doing this dare is between me and god, so i guess i will let him go, if he really wants to look for a new place to live and not asking me and my son to move with him

i stay at grandma's house for over 2 weeks now, i watched my son grow up everyday, funny thing is when i talk to some of my friends and when he sees their pics, he says dad for some reasons, maybe he is still little, i see grandma taking care of him everyday but i m kind of just sitting here and type my journal and think about what i should do with my spouse and what he thinks etc...feel kind of selfish...the only thing i can do is love these two important person, i try to take some housework away from grandma, but she doesnt let me do it, when i try to feed my son, and she says i m not doing well, i guess this is something that i have to improve....

anyways i dont know how to ask him to tell me 3 things that irritates him but from the past i did ask him to sit down and talk and let me know why he gets mad at me

so here is what he said to me from the past:

1 " you are rude ": you are rude to the waitress while she did not do her great job, i never feel i m rude at all though but he thinks i m when i ask if i can use the coupon for the meal...or when the waitress did not bring me water, and he said i m rude to ask for water...not quite sure if thats rude when i just ask for what i need or questions....he says i did not use please , i remembered i used please all the time...because its manner...but he only focus on the waitress pretty much...think i m embarrassing him to ask for what i need...i don t know...but i have been using please all the time and thank you..and i know that using those words will help for me not being rude

2 " you are mean ": he says i m mean to him all the time but to be honest, i never think i m mean, i did all the work in the house, i make him lunch to bring work, i leave him space when i m busy like crazy in the house, i only ask him to help out a little and he says i m mean, well now that i live at grandma's i believe he definitely feels better, and he doesnt want us to move back i guess he feels the relieve from me being mean, i know its me and god and god wants me to fix and change my own problem first, i have been nice to grandma and son, used to yell at them or get mad at them but i be a little patience just walk away and just not saying a word instead of getting mad, i think thats good?

3 "you yell and whine all the time and its annoying", he says i always yell and whine, i ask him to do dishes again and again, well this is what happened: the dishes sit in the kitchen almost a week, and i asked him to wash them, he never does, and i work too, i do laundry, vacuuming, feeing my picky eater(my son can take almost an hour to almost finish his meal) and he is picky, always not eating...i just do all the house work, i tried to do dishes, but my son will pull me away to do something else...asking him to help out in the house is like a pain...cause i ask him million time and he never do it immediately, he wait until a week later, and the stuff still never done...then he will say i m yelling and whining....not sure if i did, but asking for help in a nice way, i did try, and its not working...and then he says its annoying...

then the thing that i tried is me doing all the housework...i did the other day but no appreciation, he will make it a mess and dirty again same as my son...thats why the housework is never done...now i dont really do any but i see grandma doing it everyday, she gets mad when we make it dirty, but i appreciate with her work so i always try to keep it clean as possible...i havent yell or whine at grandma

so anyways this is what happened with the start of the day 5, will see what will happen...

day 4...the other hard day especially its weekend...:(

2012-05-06T00:08:59Z

its day 4...well i sent him a text say if his car ok and ask if he needs anything, he said NO. and say he just need drain oil and flash and he didnt text me anymore

i feel weird, i went out with sister and grandma to the mall, taking my son with me, i saw all those families walking and shopping together, they are so happy but i m with my family without a husband...feel like not complete

and i remembered the time that we hang out and go watch movies and stuff...

i still put him before god i guess...i dont know...i m still wonder how he is right now....should i even text him again?

:( still feeling horrible i guess :(

one random guy asked:is it hurt fell from heaven?" i m like WHAT?

i probably is...and it is hurt....

Day 3

2012-05-05T00:13:33Z

its Day 3, he still ignores me the whole time

I took grandma and my son to Kindercare to check out the preschool program, they said my son cant get in preschool yet but toddler program....feel like totally waste my time to go visit because they said he can enroll into preschool program on the phone

Anyways i took them to panera bread, its the place that me and my husband used to go all the time

i miss him with the fact that we eat together and talk together

i feel so frustrated that he ignores me....this feeling is horrible

then i went to the base was thinking to get him the sunglasses so it will fulfill the day 3 schedule

i tried them on, but i keep thinking he is so picky that he wont like the sunglesses that i pick

and i m with grandma and son they are just kind of rushing me to go, i cant even really pick something for him

and if i told grandma that i m buying something for him, she is going to yell at me

at the end i only bought my son a new sunglasses and thats all...didnt get his....for some reason i just bought the pickle for my husband, something that he likes to eat, will this work? and maybe i should just leave him a note say i was thinking about him like that?

i dont know...feel its hard already...if he actually talk to me or call me i think i will feel better....

Day 2

2012-05-04T07:11:04Z

Its Day 2

it says Love is Kind

Two of my friends and my grandma told me to ignore him totally, but in this love dare told me to be kind

I dont live there anymore, honestly I am not sure how to make this "Kindness" works...

So I sent him a text message say "how are you? hope you have good day at work"

He did not reply either...he ignores me again

The feeling is not good at all

Is this love dare really going to work?

I am being nice, and he ignores me again

What does he want, he keeps saying he afraid I will screw him over, he is screwing me over again and again

He says he doesnt want to divorce on Monday but on Tuesday he is being selfish , he pulled out all the money back to his private account and he asked why i have my private account, he checked how much my piano is, he implied saying i m stealing money while i did not

then wednesday i start my day 1 and now its thursday day 2, he just ignores me for over 2 days now

i dont like the feeling, and my son just keep bugging me for nurse while i have no breast milk anymore....i dont know...i feel really frustrated

i dont like living with grandma, this house just not the way i want, i feel so uncomfy to stay around this house, but i have no choice because he did not technically wants me to move back to the apartment that we build together, he did not even call or text me, now that all my stuff is at grandma...feel like i cant go back anymore , and i dont know

i feel so lost and sad.....this kindness thing just make me feel like no matter how nice that i treat him, he wont appreciate and he just never really love me...

i dont know...i feel horrible....and i read the day 3 just now, what should i do, what should i get for him, and how can i say i m thinking about him...:(?

Day 1

2012-05-04T07:02:26Z

Me and my spouse dont live together, and its the second week of us being separate

Been thinking about whether I should hand in the divorce paper next Friday and my friend told me about this book

I dont have the book yet but I read the sample chapter 1

It says Love is patience

I did not really talk with my husband, but Day 1 is my dog birthday, so I sent him a text and asked if he wants to take the dog to the shop

He ignores...He did not reply me at all

I ended up taking my kid and dog to the pet shop the first time

Not sure if thats patience, but I guess not talking with him is kind of a testing of my patience...

Not sure if this love dare is going to work or not, but I do hope that I can save this marriage, I dont want to divorce again

Divorce is hurting...and I still not heal from last one