so its day 20, half way of this love dare

last night i asked again, well i didnt really want to ask but i told my husband how i feel, i feel no love from him either way, i dont care, i just hate that when he says he doesnt care what i do, doesnt care whats going to happen, doesnt care about our son and he argues....i didnt want to argue but when i share my feeling...well i might or maybe i should not even share my feeling again....cause what in return is him saying, "its all your fault" and he will keep saying that from the first date he doesnt want to see me in the second day and its just me keep bug him and stick around....and having sex and child is all my fault....

i remembered the day he cheated on me right after we got married, i forgive, and he promise that he will take care of both of us, and that he gives all his things to us, and now he took everything back....

i m still debating whether i should just file the divorced paper, my mom and grandma keep saying its better to do so right now before he screws me over after he got his BA degree and stuff

my friends warned me about me will get hurts and miserable everyday

 i just cant really find a way to hang in there....i mean like a simple hug, or listen will work well

i even cook for him while normally i will be too busy to cook, and he said i only cook once a month or something and when he got off work he is all hungry and stuff, but i always make him lunch to bring to work, i make him food most of the time but he just never see it ...

is it all  my fault from the beginning all the way right now?

we been together over 4 years, and he said he has been miserable for four years

so he sticks with me because of convenience??

today dare said:

He was willing to love you even though you didn’t deserve it, even when you didn’t love back.  He was able to see all your flaws and imperfections and still choose to love you.  His love made the greatest sacrifice to meet your greatest need.  As a result, you are able (by His grace) to walk in the fullness and blessing of His love.  Now and forever. 

This means you now share this same love with your spouse.  You can love even when you’re not love in return.  You can see all their flaws and imperfections and still choose to love.  And though you can’t meet their needs the way God can, you can become His instrument to meet the needs of your spouse.  

i love him and now i dont expect him to love me back, but how can you tell god is love me the way i m??

its like you say you can hear god, how can you actually hear him? i mean like well HOW? 

people say i gotta do what i gotta do, i mean like i dont even know what i should do

there is two voices in my heart keep telling me what i should do, one tell me to move on and divorce, one tell me just stick around and just wait till whatever it comes

what is right and what is wrong

i know i should focus on god and use my husband as a tool to show what love actually is

but if this marriage is not meant to be , i know i have tons of "if" , tons of "him", but is that god really want me to stay around this marriage and try to be a better person and thats why keep pulling me away from divorce

does god really love everyone?? if god doesnt love us, what will he do to us?? 

so if the fact of me and husband dont work together and dont belong together, is that god put us together to try to make this work?

i put my faith to god but each day i see a little hope and light from it but for some reason i blow it off...or some sort of things that keep me away...i feel like i keep pulling away from the relationship each day

people told me that i can find someone that will make me happy and will work out better 

is it true? 

so what does god really want me to do? 

i tried to be more patience, not selfish, i let him go to do what he wants to do, i try to take care of my kid and i look at my kid not eating and get so skinny, i feel horrible...i offer him tons of different foods, but he just not eating....i know god want me to take good care of my kid, so i stick around, so should i think about how to take good care of both of them? i feel exhausted everyday....why others can be so easy....or is that just me make it complicated?

well i pray god to change my heart...i m not sure if i changed but i know i m trying....about what he show me today, i m not quite sure..is god just a spirit? i m just wondering, when people died, where do they go? is there really heaven and hell? why some people go to hell ? i mean god love everyone? i dont know..

i only know that i may still jealous, he keeps saying he was happier with his ex, but when i asked him why his ex cheated on him, or why he broke up with them, and he says it just get too bored...so i mean he must feel bored and if for responsibility to try to keep this marriage together, i dont think it works right?

i know i know that i should just present the love that i have learned so far to him, but its hard....its hard that i dont have any in return, and i know it what makes it hard, i guess this is what god want me to go through...now that i dont expect too much about in return, i just do it with whatever housework that i do, whatever i have to do, and no matter how rude and mean he treats me, i just do it anyways....he said i whine about everything...maybe i m...i feel better when i share my feeling...even he doesnt care..oh well i dont know what i m doing right now....

please god...please keep changing my heart and pleas giving me more secure and peace....i will keep trying on this love dare until 40 days...and i think i will have the answer....