Collaborate without boundaries

Drawing the line and setting boundaries

  • Comments 13

This post is going to be long but bear with me.

 

In my journey I have always thought that with sincere prayers I can change God’s mind about a certain situation. For example, God may have thought of giving me a banana but because I prayed so hard for an apple he changed His mind and gave me an apple instead. The truth is, we do not change God’s mind when we pray. But He always have our best interest when He does not answer our prayers the way we want Him to.

 

With this I realized that I get to marry my husband not because I prayed to God that He will give him to me that I had him, but it was indeed His plan all along. That explains why we still got separated despite the fact that I prayed so hard and begged Him sincerely to not allow our marriage to fall apart. I am or we (my hubs and I) are where God intend us to be.

 

So what is the purpose of prayer if we cannot even change God’s mind? It is to worship Him and to see things the way He sees it. For us to understand His wonders and for us to have the strength to endure our trying times.

 

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Speaking of trying times, last Saturday something happened.

 

I was out with my college friends when I saw my husband’s account online on FB. We were “good” the past days so I sent him a “hi”. Few minutes later he replied and he was furious. I asked him why and he sent me a screenshot of an FB comment from a certain person telling bad things about him and Girlie (I would like to emphasize though that there were no names mentioned in the said comment). The comment merely talks about how his alleged “baby” was born a year ago, how he used his work resources for personal gain etc. And of course he thought it was me. I told him it wasn’t me but he won’t believe me. His message became different and so I said “wow you sound like Girlie”. And the reply was: “yes this is me. Blah blah blah” so it was now Girlie who’s chatting with me. Saying how such an ungrateful B**** I am. Accusing me of being bitter and for dragging her down. Accusing me that I am really not done ruining her.  Threatening me. Telling me how she has plans to ruin my life. She told me she will make sure I will never be able to take the bar exam.

 

I told her to mind her own business and I told her it wasn’t me but of course she did not believe me.

 

Our conversation ended with her saying that she’s gonna sue me and I saying “ok”.

 

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I must admit, I am scared. I am scared because passing the bar and being a lawyer is one of the best ways I can turn my life around. It is one of the best ways I can get on my feet again. If she files a case against me, I may not be allowed to take that exam, I may even get imprisoned. How, you may ask? Even if I am not guilty (which is the truth) she has the money and she can do everything to make my life miserable. I wonder why she hasn’t moved on yet when I already cut all ties with them and moved to another city to start anew.

 

You know what hurts more? That my husband allowed her to talk to me that way. I don’t need him to fight for me because clearly he can’t but at least he could have made Girlie stay on her place. Knowing that she has access on my husband’s facebook made me question if she knows every message I send to my husband. I keep telling myself that there is nothing between them but how come she has access to his account? I now realized that the ill messages I got from my husband was not really from him but from her. But if they were just friends then why did my husband allow her to have his phone?

 

I really felt betrayed. All my trust for my husband disappeared. I am disappointed. All I did was to be kind to him and treat him with respect because that is how it is supposed to be but he still sees me as a monster. I never wanted to see him suffer but all he has in his mind is the possibility that I will get even with them in the future. I will not do that. It will only be a waste of time.

 

I am really scared on what Girlie can do to me considering her money. And my very good husband will not even do anything to stop her.  

 

Everything that I wanted for myself and for my family will just end just because they were mad at me for something that I did not even do.

 

*******

This is where I actually draw the line.

 

To love means to love yourself first so you can have love to give to others. How can you give something that you do not have?

 

Yes, I am to love my husband but I must also teach him to love and respect me. He will only learn that if I will stand up and learn to say “NO”. Little stuff in marriage like habits of leaving clothes on the floor or leaving empty carton of milk in the fridge are easy to disregard. However, when respect is no longer given and my husband begins to take me for granted then I have to draw the line so as to protect myself. This is the only way I can love myself and in the long run love my husband. I am not saying kick your husband/wife out of the house, you have to pray and ask God for guidance when it comes to that one. But what I am saying is creating a distance between us and our spouses and loving them from a far.

 

What about the dares? What about forgiveness? What about unconditional love? I am not really saying that we will stop loving them. We just have to protect ourselves so that they will also know where to stand and will also learn what love really is. For me, the only way my husband will truly see me as I am if he will see how I give value to myself by not letting other step on me (including him). I love my husband and I believe that the best things I can give to him is this tough love. I must build protective fences and set boundaries. A person without boundaries cannot love because s/he is just allowing others to step on her/him and where is the self love in that? I realized that there are people who keep on hurting us repeatedly and who we forgive over and over. The cycle continues and the person never learns. Now I understand that by allowing my husband to hurt me over and over I am also just allowing him to be destroyed by his own weaknesses. However, if I set boundaries, I am loving him and myself and I am also giving that love from a distance (probably for the meantime until God is done with His work on Him). I have learned that love can only come from a person who does not need anyone needing her/him.

 

As stated in Matthew 7:6 : "Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.” We have to be discerning when it comes to giving love. We can forgive the person and yes it must be done but it does not mean that we shall remain friends with that person especially if s/he is constantly hurting you despite your kindness, love and forgiveness. We must also remember Matthew 10:14  “xxx If somebody rejects your peace, shake the dust off your feet”

 

 

With this, I will draw the line and build fences. I will still love my husband from a distance though and will wait for God to be done working with Him. Afterall, in the end everything will turn out to be according to what He has planned.

  • So often, drawing lines in the sand and setting boundaries are us taking control.  When the trial starts and we feel hurt we are willing to take anything our spouse says or does, no matter how much it hurts just to keep the marriage from a d or in your case an annulment.  And then as we continue in the dares we find comfort and then we realize our peace is from God and not our cruel or cold shouldered spouse.  And thus, we begin to listen to our flesh or evil and choose to take control without realizing it and begin the thoughts of setting up boundaries and fences.  So we are protecting our feelings instead of how we had been, being in Christ's comfort.

  • Do not give it thought of how or why she has access to his FB account.  maybe she snooped and found his password or he left his phone and she used it without his knowledge.  Love believes the best.  Regardless, give the FB comments she posted no amount of your time or energy.   She could easily be striking out at you because of Christ's convictions she is feeling and getting tired of.  And is trying to alleviate that pressure.

  • I am not so sure everything turns out the way God desires.  Because He allows free will for us.  And so often our wills are in opposition to His will.  But he does use everything for the good for those that love Him.

  • you mention something about protecting ourselves.  We so often want to protect or spare our feelings because we want to follow our emotions.  Look at Jesus.  How He was mocked.  Ran out of towns.  Beard plucked.  Spat on.  Whipped.  Crucified.  And on and on.....   Yet, He set no boundaries but only showed love and forgiveness.  

  • You mention a few times of being afraid.  Being afraid or worried is not of God.  It is not showing trust in Him to take care of you.  But even if she does something to hurt you or even imprison you, look at Paul and all the good that came of him being imprisoned.  

  • I am struggling as of late.  Of wanting to take control and set boundaries and fences.  why?  Because for Because for 4 and a half years I took it from her.  And took it from her.  Biting my tongue, letting what at times felt like her walking all over me.  And now, she is at times talking to me about the kids and schedules.  She has told me thank you a couple times now.  She will usually respond when I say hi or by now.  She will tell me now and then there is food in the fridge.  She has taken, for the most part, her anger away.  

  • And the flesh views it now as an even playing field and wants to set boudaries to protect my feelings vs leading my emotions.

    We want to protect ourselves and set boudaries so often when we are tired of the trial and tired of waiting on God's timing and also when we see our spouse more away a brick in the wall that they have built up between us.  

  • What ever you choose to do make sure you are in peace in Christ in your decision.  Wjhat you do now, does it add to the testimony you have been building?  Or does it contrast to your testimony?  Keep your testimony consistent.

  • Thanks, Tim! :) youre right but what I am trying to say about building fences is to protect myself and not to take control. I am building fences to love him from a distance and just leave him to God and to whatever He deems best for him. True, loving is being raw and vulnerable and kind and I can still do the same without really letting Him step on me.

    Jesus loves everyone and He was able to do so because of His fences. Fences built on His Father. He was able to love with fences because He never really trusted other people instead He trusted His Father on His will to these people. He loves others even if He was mocked because He did not have any expectations towards them. He has this loving protective hedge. If He allowed them to simply get to Him then just like us He may have also hated others as to how they treat Him despite His kindness.

    I believe you do have fences. You do love your spouse from a distance. Not to protect you but to simply just leave everything to God. You dont respond to every negative thing she says, you bite your tongue, you are choosing to be the better person and the line's there. You simply do not allow her or others to get to you in a negative way and that's the fence. :)

  • I'm kind of laughing right now.  I didn't feel exactly right about my response.  I always wonder, why on earth am I even responding to anyone.  But i almost always have the hardest times responding to any posts about boundaries.  

    Anyway, I came back to the site before going to bed, thinking, I better reread your entry and then reread what I posted.  To make sure I read what you said correctly and didn't interpret anything incorrectly.  Something just wasn't sitting right with me when I posted the notes.

    Loving them from a distance while leaving them to God.....Works for me!  

    I figured you have been on this journey long enough, I probably misinterpreted what you had typed.  

    God and His peace be with you, and all of us in this community.  

  • You have been very helpful, Tim and just like everyone on this site of quite some time your perseverance to fight for your marriage is inspiring. I thank God for people like you! :)

    We just have to love them from a distance so God can work on them without us messing it up (i guess) and also for Him to work on us without us getting distracted.

    We must always go big on forgiveness especially with our spouse. If they happen to utter mean words because they are angry at that certain point and it does not affect our peace then we could let it pass. However, if such behavior begins to break us and make us question our self worth, then we must do something about it and take a few steps back. :) we have to be whole in order to love wholeheartedly as well. I believe it is the main point of this journey. Fixing ourselves thorugh God's help and grace.

  • What bothers me most is the idea of her pressing charges against me. I did not do anything but I am still scared because they have money and power. And although I believe that God is for me, what if this is anothe challenge He is cooking for me? All I ever wanted is to live in peace. :(

  • It would be concerning what she may be able to do, but find peace in Christ and know in all things you will be covered, somehow and good can come out of anything that happens when you keep Him first in your life.  I know the possibility of God allowing another hardship in your life seems to be enough to break you, but His strength, your Dad in heaven, is there for you at all moments.  

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