Collaborate without boundaries


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In my previous post I said that I am thinking of giving my hubs the annulment he wants. We dont have divorce here and the only way to dissolve the marriage legally is through annulment which will declare that the marriage was void from the very beginning. 

Anyway, when I said that I will give him what he wants, I meant that I will make it clear to him that he can file the annulment if wants. But to say I WILL STAND UP FOR MY MARRIAGE, does it mean that I will contest the proceedings? Is not contesting it means I AM GIVINg UP? He wants that if he files for it, I will not oppose it in any way because if I do, a greater chance that it will be denied thus he will not have the freedom he wants. Hence is not opposing it in court equivalent to me giving up on the marriage and my vows? 

How do I remove myself from the cycle of abuse? He is toying with my feelings because at one time he wanted this annulment then next he decided to wait for me to decide (get tired and file it myself).

TO LINDA:  thanks. I do have a question though. You mentioned your husband divorced you. does it mean that your marriage was dissolved in legal sense already? And you choose to remain faithful and single because you are standing up for your marriage? How about him? what if he is already married? dont you think it's God's way of giving you another chance to start over? Afterall He knows you did all you can and it is no longer your fault because he was the one who left you. I JUST want to really know "how to stand up".. 



  • Princess, you are concerning yourself with the future more than you need to..  Leave it in God's hands.  taking the day that God gave you, then letting Him worry about tomorrow, not you.  You are already thinking about if he moves on and starts another family.  You are driving yourself crazy and out of God's peace.

    You don't need to make it clear he can file for the annulment.  It is already clear to him he can file.

  • This talk about cycle of abuse.  And toying with your emotions.   Do not put that on him.  With what he is doing, it is covered by God's comfort when you put Him above your husband's actions.  We so often use the words abuse, toying with, etc, to make it look more serious than it is and to paint ourselves as a victim vs, us staying in His arms and feeling His comfort.

    Look back,  Did all this talk of his begin after you asked him to go away with you for a little while?

  • If so, maybe this is just all a sign he still needs a ton of space.  Now i am not saying you should not have asked him to go away.  You very well made the right decision in that at that point.

    Leave it to him to file.  And keep praying for wisdom to know if you should contest it or not.  Trust in due course, He will provide you with what to do.  When you have peace in what to do vs all this uncertainty and confusion, you have a better grip on what to do.   God=peace.   Evil=confusion, despair, uncertainty.

    Lead your emotions, and he cant toy with them so much.

  • I am not trying to downplay what your husband is doing to you.  I know you do not deserve it.  And it does make life tough.  But you have stood well for sometime now.  Do not let your emotions drag you away from building continued testimony.

  • Yes, Linda and Sunny are providing huge testimony in continued standing even when/if a d happens.  others have PM'd me even standing after the spouse had a baby or two with someone else.  I myself have not thought about what I would do in these situations.  Why should i worry about what has not been handed to me?

  • Princess, I can only tell you my story.  I fought and demanded that my wife work on our marriage with me.  I realized at some point that I cannot make her want this marriage.  She was getting very sick from the anxiety of me just being around so we separated last year.  Her diabetes went out of control, her hair was falling out, she was testing positive for cervical cancer and at her request, I moved out and left her everything.  Money and possessions do not mean anything to me.  She filed for divorce shortly afterwards and prayed about it for a very long time.  I had anticipated this because she had been talking about divorce for 2 years prior so I had been praying about it long ago.  I felt that God was telling me that I should let her go, not in the sense that I am free to find my own relationships, but free to pursue Him at all costs and that He would be the one to reconcile our marriage.  Not because of anything I had done, but solely because of His promises to me.

    Against what I felt God was wanting me to do I still contacted some attorneys to see if any would represent me.  Not a single one called me back.  Why, because this is what God wanted me to do in the first place.  I agreed to everything my wife wanted in the divorce and the only thing I argued about what the amount of money she wanted as I didn't think it was enough for her to live on so I suggested she take more but she declined.  It was only after I signed everything did any attorney call me back.  To me, that means that God was behind all of this the whole time.  I am not saying that God was advocating divorce in any way, shape or form, with me it has always been about trusting in Him and His ways, not my own.

    I still wear my wedding ring because in my heart I truly do not believe it is over.  I believe in God's promises.  Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and Sarah are all mentioned in the Hall of Faith, Hebrews 11:8-12, and are known as people of great faith.  They continued in their faith even though they never came to realize the promises of God for a homeland.  They were nomadic people who lived in tents their entire lives never coming to the promised land BUT their faith never receded even unto their death they believed.  Like these great people of the bible I will continue to believe that God will reconcile me to the wife of my youth.

    Trusting in God is easy to say but much harder to put to practice and that is my prayer for you, to trust God.  To take your hand out of the cookie jar and just let Him do what He does best, to love you.  Accept whatever He has put on your plate and focus on Him.

    To go back to Linda's previous comment to your post, there is no where in the bible where it promises us happiness, some bibles may say happiness but you can contribute that to bad translations because the Hebrew, Greek an Armenian words are always joy.

    - Sunny

    Unconditional love requires unconditional forgiveness.

  • Princess, yes, my husband divorced me in civil court.  And yes, I have chosen to remain faithful and single because I am still believing in a God who can do anything.  He changed my heart, so I believe He can change my husband's heart.  Now, don't misunderstand me here...God will not force anyone to do anything, but I know He will orchestrate circumstances to bring us to a place of choice.  I believe where my husband sees the old me he divorced, God can allow him to see the woman he married all those years ago and can rekindle the love he had for me at one time.  This is what I believe and what I choose to stand for.  God has revealed to me in many, many ways I am moving in the right direction.

    Standing for my marriage, to me, means even if my husband never repents, turns and makes right what he has chosen to do in our marriage, I will remain faithful to him.  When I said until death parts us, I didn't say it with frivolous intent that if things did not work out how I want them to work out I will just quit.  God will not make a way for me to throw away the covenant I made to my husband and before Him, because to do so would negate who God is.  When He said marriage is a covenant until death, He did not put a stipulation on it that said, but if you get tired of being in the marriage, or your spouse divorces you, I will give you to someone else...He said if we divorce and remarry, we both commit adultery.  Will God forgive that?  Of course, but I believe I will never have God's best when I decide to do what I want because what God wants is too hard.

    Princess, I decided when my husband said he wanted the divorce, that no matter what happens, I will choose to do it God's way.  It won't be easy or bring me much happiness if my husband moves further in his choice and decides to remarry another woman.  That won't change the decision I've made to stand firm, though. My joy isn't bound up in what my husband does or doesn't do.  God is my greatest joy.   I've learned quite a bit through this season in my life about marriage and God's view of it.  I'm learning more all the time about unconditional love as well.  I asked God to give me unconditional love for my husband regardless of the choices he makes.  One of the ways God has fulfilled this in me is that I see my husband as someone ensnared by an enemy that hates him because the enemy hates God and wants to destroy any and everything God loves.  God loves my husband.  I have forgiven him every thing he has said or done to hurt me.  I have asked God not to hold my husband accountable for anything he has done against me.  Through my research I discovered that should I decide to remarry and commit adultery in that manner, even though I will be held accountable for that sin, my husband will be held doubly so because he caused me to commit the sin of adultery by divorcing me and in a sense forcing me to make the decision to remarry out of lonliness.  I love him.  Period.  Because Christ loves me, I am able to love my husband.  It breaks my heart to know he has made some very bad choices and his sin weighs heavy on my heart because I know the heartache and eternal result if he does not repent and turn to Christ.  I do not want to bring more accountability upon him by my remarrying.  I can't love him like I would like to as his wife in the same house with him, but I can love him by protecting him by making choices that will not bring more accounatability on him, if this makes any sense.  It's like the scripture Jesus said about being better to have a millstone tied around your neck and tossed in the sea than to cause one of His little ones to stumble.  The stumbler is accountable for stumbling, but the one who causes it even more so.  Standing for my husband means I will do whatever is made possible for me in Christ to protect him from his own bad choices.  I have learned that 'agape' love sacrifices its own comfort and desires for the sake of that love.  Jesus did it for me.  

    Standing, for me, means I will be faithful to God and in so doing, extend that faithful attitude to my husband.  I don't have to do it on my own, though.  God empowers me through His Holy Spirit to do the impossible.  Don't credit me with the ability to follow through with any of this.  It is only by the grace of God I am able to stand faithful.

    I have given up my right to ever marry anyone, except my husband again.  He has not remarried and I've seen and heard evidence that God is in control of this whole situation; that He is fighting this battle for me.  No matter the outcome, I choose God.  I choose to trust Him.  I choose to honor Him by honoring the vows I took all those years ago.  God is faithful.  As I surrender my rights and desires to Him, He becomes more and more my peace and my joy and it becomes easier to just rest in Him and not worry about what my husband may or may not be doing.  I don't have to worry about what might or might not happen tomorrow because God is in control.

    That is what I mean when I say I am standing.  I love my husband and it makes me very angry when I think of how the enemy has come in and polluted his mind, twisted his desires and whispered his ugly lies so that he has become a man his whole family doesn't even understand anymore and I will not sit by and allow the enemy to destroy him or to try to destroy my family.  I have given the enemy all the ground he is going to get from me without a fight.  Loving my husband, standing for our marriage means I fight on my knees in prayer.

    But I don't sit around this apartment moaning and complaining and crying about how bad things have gotten.  I am involved in Bible studies, I volunteer at a local prison to share the gospel of Jesus Christ with women who may feel they can never be forgiven, I am involved in my Sunday morning Bible study class and planning to go to a class at the main campus of my church on how to use the gift the Holy Spirit gave to me the day I received Christ as Savior so I can plug into my church and give back as a functioning member of the body of Christ.  I get out and socialize with friends and am making new friends.  I am reading and studying the Word and building a solid relationship with God so that past mistakes I've made, will not be repeated.  The more I want of God,  the less I worry about what may or may not happen.  I am living because divorce did not kill me.

    Princess, I like who God has been shaping me to be through this.  It's been a long time since I've been able to look in the mirror and actually like who is looking back.

    I didn't contest the divorce either, but made it very clear to my husband that it was not what I wanted.  I let him know I love him and will always love him and will be waiting if he decides I'm worth another chance to him.  For me, it was better to let go because to have fought the divorce would have wounded the kids and us moreso than what was already done.   Also, I am notorious for trying to 'fix' attempt to manipulate to get my way and throwing temper tantrums when I do not, so for me, I believe God wanted me totally out of the way so He could do what needs to be done without my interference.  It's different for everyone and only God knows what is best for each individual; what is needed.  That's why I advise everyone to seek God before decisions; let Him lead you.  Not contesting a divorce, in my opinion, does not mean you are not standing for it.  God can overcome divorce.  My goodness, if He can raise the dead, He can restore a marriage.

    I don't know if this helped in any way.  The bottom line is we all have to choose what we want to do or are willing to do in the circumstances we are in.  No matter what we do, the one constant is that God loves us and that will never change.

    Hey!  and thanks for explaining the annulment thing!  I was really confused about that!  :)

  • THANK YOU EVERYONE. AT least now I understand where I will be abnd what I must do in casr he will pursue the annulment.

    TIM: thank you. You are right. I must take it one step at a time. One issue at a time. If it isnt given to me then I must not think ahead of it. Fear is what I am feeling now. The feeling that my world is crushing because I am losing control. I am forgetting who has control over everything.

    SUNNY: thanks for making me understand what it meant to stabd up even if marriage failed in legal sense. :) I do hope I can stand firm as you.

    LINDA: thanks for giving me perspective of what I can be if ever my marriage will be annuled. There is more to life than my husband. I am just so scared of being alone now although I tell myself that God is with me.


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