Collaborate without boundaries

SHOULD I SET HIM FREE?

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HELLO EVERYONE!

 

This is going to be long, please bear with me. This may also be the last entry I would be making (I do hope not, though).

 

My husband and I had the "talk" earlier today. All the while I thought he would be asking some "waiver" from me about future criminal charges that I may wish to file against him but boy was I wrong! He came at our house to discuss about the annulment. He insisted that I would file for annulment so he will not contest. I refused. So he said he will be the one who will file and he expects me to be OK with it. I told him he is free to file annulment because it is his choice but he cannot expect me not to contest it because I will surely oppose it, he got mad. He said that we do not have anything to talk about because I keep on  refusing to give in to his demands. He told me that since I will not cooperate he will cut his support and I wil now have to find my own means as to how I am going to support myself to take the bar exams and be a lawyer. I find it unfair. I broke down because he knows how much I worked hard to be a lawyer only to be told that I cannot be one because he won't fund my review. He told me that I can sue him all I want re: support and he doesn't care. I told him it is not even in my options. I told him that I am already sick of being the talk of the town and bringing our issues to the court will only bring the spotlight on us again. I told him I am already exhausted. I told him that if it were not only because of my faith and because it would feel defiance to God's will I would have turned my back on the marriage a long time ago because with all honesty I am drained and there are more to life than my marriage.

 

I asked him what happened between us. He told me that he just realized that he was forced into the marriage; that I was the one who only wanted to get married. I told him that the fact that I did not even held him at gun point into marrying me means he consented. I told him that I decided to push through with the wedding because I saw how he changed and how he worked hard for our future (builing our house, saving, etc). I told him that back then I felt secured that everything will turn out just fine because he was so decided to go with it. I also told him that everything that's happening is the normal consequences of our actions, of the things we decided to do without consulting God. I told him that if he is struggling right now it is something that he has to endure because I too is suffering from the consequences of insisting to marry someone without proper discernment. I told him that if he is already with someone and he is scared that I may sue them then it is something that he has to suffer because it is the logical consequence of his sins and he cannot blame it on me. I told him that a woman who decides to be with a married man is not really someone with proper morals (not really meant to judge). I said am done feeling sorry for myself, that I already know where I fell short and I suffered its consequences but I refuse to let my flaws in the past define who I am right now because I have changed. A year into separation changed me and he could not expect that I am the same person he married for afterall he changed as well.  I asked him to stop blaming me if he is confused or hurting right now because he has no idea what I went through and how I struggled to survive. I told him that whatever he is feeling it is the consequence of his sins and I do not have anything to do with it.

 

HE SAID I AM SELFISH because I refuse to let him go. He said he wanted his freedom and I am just making it difficult. He said I am being unfair because I am tying him to a relationship that he no longer wants. I told him that it is not only him that is suffering. I told him that I am sttuck too because "what if while I am away I will get to meet a man who will love me" then I cannot be with that person because I am still tied with him. I told him that I have those kinds of fears too and if it happens then it is again part of the consequences that we have to bear. I told him that since I already knew what he disliked about me and he was also able to tell me his side of the story, I asked if we can try again. I asked if he can give me another chance but he said he no longer wants it and refused to give me that chance.

 

He said the reason he left was because I was controlling him and I am now controlling him still because I refuse to give what he wants.

 

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I got into thinking and many of you may disagree with me (I would definitely appreciate your two cents) but I am thinking of saying YES to what he wants. Love is about making the other happy; love is about putting the other person's needs above your own. Love is about sacrifices and if I love my husband hence I feel that have to let him go and set him free. Marriage is like a see-saw, we need someone to sit on the other side to keep it balanced. However, in our case, I am the only one left sitting on it. He already left. How can we make it work if I am the only one who is standing? It takes two people to make marriage work and reality says that I am the only one left, my hubs is no longer around. Maybe he is right. Maybe keeping him tied to me is just selfish. Maybe I have to endure the pain just to make him happy. Afterall, if it is God's will to keep our marriage intact, that annulment will not push through. Also, maybe this is actually God's will, so He can free me--- to save me from impending doom. Maybe God is already breaking down walls to set me free yet I am refusing to step outside because I am still holding on to something that actually was not there anymore. HONESTLY, I AM SO CONFUSED. I know God takes delight in marriage but I also believe that He is not that harsh to let me suffer. God wants us to prosper and be happy --- He even sent His only son to die for us and cleanse us from our sins! Yet allowing myself to remain tied to a person who no longer repsects me and who no longer sees the marriage the same way I do is like wasting my life (His precious gift). I could actually spend my life serving and loving Him and others rather than remain in a dead-end relationship. Am I about to do the right thing????

 

I said "no" to the annulment because it feels like I am turning my back against my vow but hey! it was not me who first turned my back against my vow, it was him. I said "no" to him because it feels like I am bending everything I believed in to my his (my husband's) will and not God's. But really, am I? I may be blocking His blessings because I refuse to let go.

 

I remember what Candie has posted few months ago about sin and marriage, they cannot stand side-by-side. The fact that my husband remains in sin means our marriage will not really work. I know we should never lose hope for God is the god of miracles but what if the "clarity" and the "answer" I was looking for was actually this one: LET HIM GO. And I am just refusing to obey because it is simply not the answer I want? What if we were not really meant for each other? Afterall, if it is His will to fix our marriage we would not be at this stage right now, right?

 

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I haven't come to a concrete decision yet but I texted him this afternoon and I told him that I am reconsidering what he said to me. I told him that I wil give him a call next week and that I also wanted his wedding ring back. Few minutes later he called me up. He asked if I ever received his text. I said No. I asked him what is it about and he said that it is his repsonse to my text. I asked him what his response was but he said it is better for me to wait for his text. I ended the call and few minutes I got his text. He said that he will not force me and just wants me to focus on my dream.

 

Do you see the cycle? It feels like he is toying with my feelings! It felt like he called because he wanted to see if I am still crying over him and he wants to make sure he still has that effect on me. This is clearly an emotional abuse and I am somehow getting tired of it. I sometimes wish to break the cycle by just giving in to what he wants.

 

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Am I about to do the right thing? Am I disobeying God? Am I refusing to carry the cross?

  • You are doing your best to justify giving in to the world's ways.  We can all come up with reasons that sound good to no longer stand.  

    Yes, he is sinning and it isn't fun to be around.  But you, even at your best times in this walk, were still sinning (we all sin) and Christ didn't leave you because of your stench of sin.  

    You are trying to take the un out of unconditional love.  

    So, if you cave.  In a few years, will you regret you didn't continue this stand?  Will you feel like you did your best for a time, then just gave up?  

    He's all over the roller coaster ride, maybe mostly down.  But, as it gets a little rougher, you're now looking to jump on that roller coaster ride with him.

    Stay consistent.  If the annulment is to happen, let it be on him.  

  • IN a perfect marriage their is sin.  You can not avoid that, as much as we try to eliminate sin.  Don't let evil pull you to the point of wanting out because of his sin.

    What happened for better or worse?  you are at the worse part and agreed to it in marriage, but now want out because you actually have to face the worse.  

    So, if he goes to hell for his ways.  but if you stayed with him and finally he caught on and changed your ways, wouldn't that be worth carrying the cross God has allowed?  

  • You don't know If his breaking point is happening now, a day from now, or a year from now, or if he will always follow his will vs God's.  You could be giving up when the breaking point is right there.

    I have wondered, is it the toughest time that comes into place just before the breaking point?  Because they are finally facing and dealing with Christ's convictions.

    If none of this makes much sense.  Then I'll ask you to list every bible verse there is about keeping the marriage as a covenant.  I bet you won't feel to good about going against all those verses.

  • It is tough at times, I know, because the world's ways are so ingrained on our flesh.  And our selfishness is always saying what about me?  What about my feelings?

    Right now, Just be still and know....  And lead not with your feelings that are as fleeting as a shadow but lead your heart.  

    As you were typing, you already knew what was right.  Listen to that and muffle out what the world is telling you.

    Accept again God's desires and then feel peace.  

  • I am crying as I am reading your comments, Tim. Thanks. God knows I dont want the annulment but I dont want to fight with my husband anymore. It is exhausting. It is not that I will file for it but I think i will just let him do what he wants. However i ought to allow it to go uncontested. I dunno but isnt it that God's will shall prevail. Hence if it is His will for him.to file and for it to be granted then it is what He wanted. God allows marriages to fail especially if it is the unbelieving spouse who leaves right?

  • Get quiet before God, Princess.  Then listen for His voice.  You may have to sit quietly for awhile, but to be honest, I think you already know the answer He will give.  The fact that you are 'confused' and 'questioning' the rightness of your decision to give in to your husband's demands for freedom tells me you know God is calling you to stand in spite of what your husband says or thinks.  

    If he wants out, let him pursue the avenue to get out.  Your husband will be the accountable one for the divorce/annulment.

    I think what it all comes down to with all of us, how serious are we really about standing for our marriages no matter what the circumstances look like at this time?

    My husband divorced me, put me out of our home and gave me just enough financial support to live, if I'm very frugal, about 10 to 15 years before the money runs out.  Granted, depending on the market, that could be more or less, but the point is, I decided no matter what, I would stand for my marriage come hell or high water.  I would trust God no matter what my husband says or does to me.  When I keep my focus on Christ and stop trying to make something happen with my husband, the peace of God makes this standing possible.

    I face my worse moments when I decide God isn't moving fast enough or I think I know better than God.  I feel I can't stand another moment for a man who treats me so badly when I forget who is putting those thoughts in my head to begin with.

    Thinking you owe your husband a chance at happiness is just not biblical.  No where in the word will you find that God has promised us happiness.  Joy, yes, but not happiness.  Happiness is fleeting and depends on circumstances.  Joy is eternal and depends on God.  Someone correct me if I'm wrong.  I don't think it is anywhere in the Bible that God promises to make us happy and prosper us when we are blatantly rebelling and sinning against Him, like your husband is doing

    .  

    Even if he pursues the annulment/divorce (forgive me but I'm confused about that...thought annulments were only possible when marriage has not been consumated) that does not mean he will be happy or prosper.  Ultimately, what would be his end?  What will happen to his soul?  Part of standing for our marriage is to stand in the gap for our spouses who are caught in the enemies snare and believing lies he is telling them.  Who better to pray for their eternal souls than we who promised to love and cherish them til we are parted by death?

    I agree with Tim.  I think you already know the right thing to do.  Yes, it hurts to be rejected and tossed aside like yesterdays bathwater, but Jesus Himself warned us this life would be full of pain and rejection, but He told us to be strong and encouraged because He has overcome the world.  Christ suffered too, far more than any of us ever will, yet He stayed the course for love.  Should we do any less for love of Him?  If for no other reason to stand for your marriage for as long as it takes, pleasing God is as good a reason as any I can some up with.

  • Thanks.

    Linda: if i understood it right, you and your hubs are divorced already? and even so you remain single because you believe in marriage and youre already tied to him for life?

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