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Countdown begins..

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In few days’ time, God willing, i will be graduating. After which I will be moving to another city to take review classes and take the board exam to get my title. I cannot help but feel anxious, scared and frustrated. I am having separation anxiety already thinking that I will be separated from my friends. I am also anxious of moving away and having to "start" over and meeting new people and adjusting to new environment. I am scared of the change and I am frustrated that I am about to leave and yet nothing has changed with regards to my marital situation. If there is anything new, it is the feeling that we have grown further apart. I barely know my husband anymore. We saw each other a week ago since he came over to bring our dog and he was acting quite mean. He moved away when I tried to touch his face and refused to hug me though I did hug him still. To make it clear I did not insist myself to him and made sure to give him a lot of space. He seemed to enjoy the "authority" he had over me that time since I barely utter any word and just answer him when asked. He stayed for a while and actually wasnt amxious to leave unlike before. It was me who wanted to drive him away -- make him leave since I am getting uncomfortable. But I stayed calm and said nothing.

 

Going back.. It pains me that he is quite excited to see me go. I am giving up the house since we are just renting it and me moving to another city, getting another place there while keeping the house only means double expense. He doesnt want to stay here while Im gone. I cannot help but feel that i  few days WE will come to an end. Me, leaving, will simply mean he has his freedom already. It to know that I no longer have a "home" to come back to after my review. There is nothing to look forward to anymore. I never felt so cofused, scared and alone.

 

I know that I should never lose hope even when I cant see God's work at the moment but at the present I find it difficult to believe that my hubs and I wil be together again. We are growing apart. And although I keep telling myself that God is the god of miracles, I cant also help but feel that I should just forget the idea of getting my husband back because with all honesty, holding on to that far fetched idea is killing me. I have thoughts like: maybe this happened because I made the wrong choice of marrying him in the first place.. maybe i am meant to be single all my life.. or maybe if he cant love me, someone else will.

 

I really dont want to leave but I cant let myself get stuck here forever. I cannot allow myself to remain in the same spot just because Im scared. I keep telling myself that wherever I may be, if it is His will to reconcile us, He will make it possible. Though again, to me, that idea is just like a tiny light from a distance.

 

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by the way, tomorrow is his birthday and it sucks not to be a part of it in anyway.

in a week is also my birthday and it sucks to think that i will be spending it alone -- without family, friends or husband. :(

  • I started to respond and ended of writing enough for my own post.  lovedarestories.com/.../birthdays-no-more.aspx

    I am the worst person to offer advice for you.  Since I am conflicted about standing for my marriage after I'm divorced or keep hoping that she will come back.  Right now I will leave the door open but not stop living my life once the divorce is over.

    From: www.facebook.com/.../621556504594480

    The conversation went something like this:

    Q: How can he divorce his wife commit adultery repent and still make it into Heaven? I don't want to be in heaven with someone who can do something like that.

    A: Who wants to be in heaven with someone who was angry and unforgiving either?

    C: Work on your own salvation, repent, change and do not return to your old ways. Walk like Christ, following His commandments and covenants, daily... from here on out. That's what you should be concerned about.

    Amen.

  • As you have been trusting Christ through this trial, trust Christ in the new trial of being in a new place where you know no one and won't feel at home for a while.

    Be still and let God unfold the steps you are going to be taking.

    Have faith in the unknown you are entering.

  • Princess, Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead!  God raised Jesus from the dead!  If God has the power to do these and so many more wonderful, amazing things, do you think raising your marriage from the ashes is too hard for Him?  I believe it is safe to say that praying for your marriage to be restored and made whole is God's will for your life.  God is the One who created marriage in the first place and He regards it quite seriously.  He is a covenant keeping God, so why would He expect less from us?  Girl!  If you want your marriage to work, you dig in your heels and fight on your knees in prayer for it!  Don't you let a little thing like living in another town make you doubt the God you serve!   God is who He says He is!  He can do what He says He can do!  You are who God says you are!  You can do all things through Christ!  God's Word is alive and active in you!  Don't you let the enemy tell you differently and give up on your hope for your marriage!!  

    I will be praying for you hun!  :)

  • Princess, good to hear from you.  I imagine it is scary, but remember that God goes before you opening doors and preparing the way.  Linda's post gives me hope and I hope it does you too!  We never know where the doors the Lord opens leads us too! What He has planned for us.  His ways are higher than ours - and thank goodness for that!

  • SNAZ: I have read your post and I can say that I can totally relate. I am not suicidal or anything but I also find no issues dying if one day death knocks at my door, I will gladly go with him. However, we should really be careful with what we wish for. There are still lots of reasons to live (I believe this though I am losing hope). Let us just continue taking one step at a time.

    LINDA: THANKS. I keep telling that to myself as well. I keep telling myself that God is the god of miracles hence raising a dead marriage is just a tiny thing for Him.but i cannot also stop.myself from thinking that  if it is a tiny thing, why cant he hear my prayer? i am thankful for everything He doea for me up to the present.

    PAR: thanks. Linda's words are reminders of His goodness. though I am still conflicted i still believe that God opens doors for me and direct my steps..

  • SNAZ: I have read your post and I can say that I can totally relate. I am not suicidal or anything but I also find no issues dying if one day death knocks at my door, I will gladly go with him. However, we should really be careful with what we wish for. There are still lots of reasons to live (I believe this though I am losing hope). Let us just continue taking one step at a time.

    LINDA: THANKS. I keep telling that to myself as well. I keep telling myself that God is the god of miracles hence raising a dead marriage is just a tiny thing for Him.but i cannot also stop.myself from thinking that  if it is a tiny thing, why cant he hear my prayer? i am thankful for everything He doea for me up to the present.

    PAR: thanks. Linda's words are reminders of His goodness. though I am still conflicted i still believe that God opens doors for me and direct my steps..

  • Congrats on graduating!  You worked hard and kept your eyes on the prize!  Walk into your new life with confidence.  God is by your side.  Look at the new city as an opportunity to start over.  Live your life and thank God for all the new good things he is bringing your way.  Continue to pray for your husband, but continue to move forward.  Hugs and prayers.

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