Today is about getting rif of the every obeject of lust in my system.
For me, this has been one of the most difficult tasks in the entire book. i find it hard to identify my area of lust,
Early morning today I attended the Sunday service at our church. While sitting there listening to several church announcements (i.e. Upcoming activities, etc) I remembered something and it made me feel guilty, yet it was actually timely for the dare.
Wishing to be "adored" by people especially from the opposite sex is not sin per se i think. I mean, it is an ego boost. It adds self confidence. The problem comes in when we decide to go extra mile just to be "admired".
Prior to the separation, while marriage was slipping away and my hubs does not show any affection to me (i.e. Dismisses my acts to initiate sex ect) I cannot help but feel unloved. I felt unattractive. I felt worthless. Since hubs that time often travels out of town, I am left alone at home most of the time. With nobody to talk to, I visited several chat websites. I talk to people. I tried to justify my acts by saying that there is nothing wrong since I am just talking with them. However, I got to the point where I spend time talking to this particular guy. He is flirting with me and I flirted back, I never tried to mention that I am married. He got my number, he calls and texts, etc. I love the feeling I get talking to him because he makes me feel beautiful --- admired--- adored. He pays attention to what I say and takes note of my inetrests. We had friendly chat and exhange of text messages. I ended our "friendship" when my hubs "broke up" with me. That guy still was nota ware that I'm married, I just told him to stop texting me.
I got rid of such connection almost 5months ago. But this was just broyght to my attention by the Spirit only recently. I guess I am reminded re: type of relationships I may form with other people especially with the opposite sex. Honestly, when your marriage is on the rocks, you tend to seek comfort from other people which may lead to other things. I guess the memory of that guy was brought back to me because I have been longing for attention recently. I feel sad because my phone actually does not serve any purpose to me than a gadget I can access the internet with. It does not beep nor ring because "nobody cares" "no bidy remembers" me. My hubs was my phonepal before, now that he does not want anything to do with me, I lost my phone pal. :(
Anyway, i guess this is a reminder for me to allow God to complete me --- to make me feel loved because there is nothing in this world that can offer full satisfaction from these cravings than His love. :)
I happen to speak to my hubs' staff today. I asked if he already arrived from his out of town trip, etc. in our conversation I happen to find out that there are nights that he does not sleep there (at the office). None of them knows where he spends the night and they don't like to ask him too. Where else could he sleep? He does not want to go to his parents' house because he is avoiding the "talk" with them. He does not come home to me either. The information actually makes me feel sad. But just a bit. It made me wonder if there is already someone else. I am not tempted in any way though to research on that. It will just be a waste of time. Afterall, He will let me know if it is the right time for me to know. :) I worry too but not so much. The peaceful feeling overcomes the worry. Nonetheless, I would still like to ask you, guys to help me pray. Help me pray that God will not allow anything or anyone that will come between us and prevents us from reconciling, help me pray for the sanctity of and the fidelity in our marriage.
furthermore, i would also like to ask you, LD family to pray that may God actually grant me the chance to speak to my hubs in person on Tuesday, Oct 4 for dare 26. The things I need to confess to him are quite sensitive which would actually be best to say in person. The thing I wrote above is actually included in such list, hence, it is best to confess it in person. HELP ME PRAY. PLEASE.
Well it is a huge step to confess and seek out what God wants when it comes to what the spirit lays on your heart. Praise Him for this opportunity and thank Him for His strength.
I did thank Him for this, Sean. I really believe He is taking me into another level because of the revelations he throws at my path. Being aware of wuch desire is quite embarassing for me. I never thought I have it in me but I prayed for this too and He is helping ke out. I know He wants me to be right before Him. It pays a lot.