Yesterday and today is the coldest we have had this year. I dressed the kids warmly and made them stay in. Despite my efforts with the kids, my son has developed a cough and I can see through his actions and lifelessness that he is getting sick. Made sure I gave him meds regularly and did the washing while hubby slept in. He only got up around noon and I asked him what he would like to do for lunch as he mentioned he wanted to braai. He said he would still braai so I started on the food we would have with the meat.

Hubby obviously knew something was wrong, but he did not ask once. I think he is giving me the time I need to sort myself out first, knowing I will speak to him when I am ready. He did however try to give me lots of affection. He would touch me when he walked by and if I was standing still somewhere, he would come up behind me or walk right up to me and hold me. Just hold me until something interrupted (my mother or the kids). My son was very clingy and I was not even able to dish the food, because he would not let go of me. Hubby dished for us.

During the course of the evening the kids went and played in the play room. My daughter teases her little brother all the time and she pins him down on the ground constantly. Throughout their playing (last night and tonight) we constantly have to tell her to leave him alone, or that she has to ease up when he starts crying. She just does not, so tonight he bit her in the neck.  My husband was furious, and shouted at him. When I tried to pick him up, my husband jerked him out of my hands and made him sit on a chair away from everyone. I told him that that was uncalled for, and he replied by saying that he does not care, but biting is not allowed! I said to him that how else was he to protect himself from her, because she pins him down all the time, and how close must she have been for him to be able to bite her in the neck. He was listening to no reason. By this time our daughter had stopped crying so I said to him that it was unfair that she can torment her brother all the time but that he gets disciplined when he retaliates. My husband replied that he can use his arms or legs to fight back, but not bite. My son is 2 my daughter is 5. When she pins him down, she lies on top of him and I have seen many a time that he is unable to even use his arms or legs, but thought to myself, so it is ok for him to hit or kick her, but not bite!!! Anyway, I said to her to go sit on a chair as well because she now gets special treatment, after being a monster. Hubby still held her on his lap “comforting” her even though she was no longer crying but very fascinated by the way my husband and I spoke to each other, but eventually he let her go sit there. I was so angry! Angry with my husband for being so unfair, angry with my daughter for never listening and angry with myself for fighting in front of the kids.

I did not say any more and prayed about it while I was still sitting there.  After that, everything went back to normal, as though we never fought. I can’t understand it. I decided that I will try and find a Christian psychologist to talk to. I don’t have many friends and my friend that I go visit every second Saturday is just not the right person to talk to about “everything”, and I can also not speak to my husband at this stage.

Since tomorrow is work, and I felt exhausted after such an emotional weekend, I wanted to turn in early. So after I put the kids to bed, I asked hubby if we were going to go to bed, he said that he would come to bed later. I left, had my prayer and devotion time. The scripture was from Matthew, I can recall the exact passage, but it was about a father who asked his oldest son to do something, the son said no but then did it anyway, the father asked his younger son to do something, and he said he would, but he didn’t. Then Jesus asked which son did better.

Of course the eldest, but it showed how many time I say I am living the word of Christ, but I don’t.  I must live according to God’s word, and not just claim I am. Even if people think I am a good Christian, God knows how sincere my heart is. It is better to live (show) by example that to just say(claim) I am. I pray that God will help me with this and that I will acknowledge Him in everything He does for me.