Hubby worked today so I had both the kids. Took our daughter
to therapy and went to visit with my friend afterward. She had her 3 grandkids
over and my kids loved the attention they were getting from the other older
kids and they played their little hearts out! We spoke about their family’s
recent losses. Two weeks ago, her son’s mother-in-law passed away and last
Sunday her daughter’s husbands nephew. He was only 14 days away from his 1st
birthday. His funeral was last Thursday and she was talking about how sad it
was for everyone.
We spoke about God and how different our lives were now that
we are closer to Him. It was good to speak about all that Christ has done for
us. A time of reflection.
We went home and waited for hubby to come home too. I made
lunch so it would be ready when he came. He watched sport, while I sat next to
him and read. We spent the rest of the afternoon together, but we felt a
thousand miles apart.
At night time, I took up my bible for prayer and devotion
time, but hubby did not. This was my moment I wanted to complete today’s dare,
to commend him for taking up his bible again and spending time with God daily,
but instead, he just got in bed, ready to sleep. Distance again! I prayed
again. For my husband, and for me, because I can feel something is not right.
When I was done, I turned on my side, and my husband pulled
me in close to him. I felt mixed emotions spilling over me. He was so distant
with me the last couple of days, but yet he is pulling me closer now. I knew we
were not going to make love and everywhere he touched me, I burned. I wanted
him. I wept. Silently, my tears dropped on my pillow, but I could feel my body
shaking, so I prayed again. I asked God to take away my desire to be intimate
with my husband. Yeah – I did! I break every time my husband touches me because
I know he does not to be intimate. I don’t want to feel this way anymore, I
don’t want to hurt this way anymore. A thousand accusations went through my
head, from the OW, right down to him not really connecting with me (because he
did not want to in my opinion of course) and how he is not reading bible
anymore. My husband must have felt my shaking, and he asked me what was wrong.
I knew that I was not in the right emotional state of mind to discuss things
with him peacefully, so I just told him not to worry. I knew if I opened my
mouth, I would ruin everything we have built up so far.
He left it and did not ask again.
Sometimes we just need to explain things. Remember you were both raised differently inlife. You way of expressing love and intimacy is different than his. Are you sure you cannot talk to him and let him know that you are fighting the sexual desires constantly? That you may need his help with all this?
Pray about it. Do your dares as intended and focus on christnwith this fight. He will comfort you