Today, I feel distance still. I’m not sure if it is coming
from hubby or from me. I’m starting to think it is me. I don’t want to over
analyse it, so I take it to prayer. Hubby and I have not been intimate in a
while(less than 5 days ago… are you kidding me!!) and I had really hoped after
us getting so much closer that this would get better too. Again!!!!! Things of
the flesh! Expectations!
I pray about this. I’m so blessed, yet I don’t see it until
I get wrapped over the knuckles for it. (In a good way of course) I have been
becoming distant because we are not intimate as much as I expected….. When I
look back at this, I want to hide away from God. I’m embarrassed by my lust.
God forgive me, please! I have so much to be thankful for. My husband has given
me so much love in other ways but I am blind yet again, because it is not
packaged the way I want it. I do not feel rejected, but I do feel disappointed.
I get distant and I’m sure that is why hubby seems “off” with me. It’s on me!
I did not Skype him this morning. I prayed about it, but did
not feel the urge to Skype, so I left it. Quite some time into the day, hubby
Skype’d me, checking in on my day and asking if I heard about a mall close to
us that is currently burning to the ground. I had already received messages and
pictures on this, so I told him I heard and how bad I felt for the people
working there and how thankful I am that we were all safe. He also said how bad
he felt, and asked about my work. I told him that I’m almost up to date and
that by the end of next week I would be able to put schedules and procedures in
place to run this company my way. I had rolled over into May just this morning,
so now it is just the current things I need to work on. (Started a bookkeeping
job at a company close to home end of January this year. Their books were
behind for their last financial year.)
He replied with a “you go love!” God opened my eyes to just
how supportive my husband had been of me – always! I have not had this in my
life. My mother to this day finds fault in everything I do. My first husband
was a very competitive person and he ran me down all the time, it was only my
dad that loved me and was proud of everything I’d done. My dad died and then I
was alone again, with people telling me all the time how worthless I am. But
not my husband, he has always supported and loved me. So I knew this was the
moment, for me to complete my dare.
I thanked him for all his support, not just now, but always.
I told him that I would not have been able to do this if it was not for him. He
replied by saying we are a great team, to which I brought my dare in. I said to
him Yes we are and I told him I just wanted him to know that I love him. That love
is a choice - not a feeling and I choose every day to love him that I am
committed to this relationship that God has given us. Period! He replied with a
with u on that my love - love soo much too
I let him go after that – I get to heavy sometimes.
But now I also realize that I would not have been able to do
any of this if it was not for Christ. First and foremost! I realize for far too
long have I put husband first, not God! So now, I will go on my knees and thank
Christ for being with me every step of the way; for dying for my sins; for the
love and support He has always given me. That He believed in me when no one
else did, and that he led me online to the Love Dare when I was and my lowest
point. That He is helping me daily to better my life, my relationships and my
work. I am so thankful that I never have to feel worthless and no good ever
again. God has me in the palm of His hand. Praise His Holy Name!
Have you initiated any intimacy lately? Or are you just expecting him to? And by the way.... Lust is the desire for things forbidden, so you desiring that with your husband is not lust.
I think your biggest problem is that you are seeking things to be changed much quicker. But this is in Gods time, not yours. This is where dare 1 comes in. And there is a reason for day one to be patience.
Enjoy each day with the Lord. Love Him first, so that you may love others better.