Today, I feel distance still. I’m not sure if it is coming from hubby or from me. I’m starting to think it is me. I don’t want to over analyse it, so I take it to prayer. Hubby and I have not been intimate in a while(less than 5 days ago… are you kidding me!!) and I had really hoped after us getting so much closer that this would get better too. Again!!!!! Things of the flesh! Expectations!

I pray about this. I’m so blessed, yet I don’t see it until I get wrapped over the knuckles for it. (In a good way of course) I have been becoming distant because we are not intimate as much as I expected….. When I look back at this, I want to hide away from God. I’m embarrassed by my lust. God forgive me, please! I have so much to be thankful for. My husband has given me so much love in other ways but I am blind yet again, because it is not packaged the way I want it. I do not feel rejected, but I do feel disappointed. I get distant and I’m sure that is why hubby seems “off” with me. It’s on me!

I did not Skype him this morning. I prayed about it, but did not feel the urge to Skype, so I left it. Quite some time into the day, hubby Skype’d me, checking in on my day and asking if I heard about a mall close to us that is currently burning to the ground. I had already received messages and pictures on this, so I told him I heard and how bad I felt for the people working there and how thankful I am that we were all safe. He also said how bad he felt, and asked about my work. I told him that I’m almost up to date and that by the end of next week I would be able to put schedules and procedures in place to run this company my way. I had rolled over into May just this morning, so now it is just the current things I need to work on. (Started a bookkeeping job at a company close to home end of January this year. Their books were behind for their last financial year.)

He replied with a “you go love!” God opened my eyes to just how supportive my husband had been of me – always! I have not had this in my life. My mother to this day finds fault in everything I do. My first husband was a very competitive person and he ran me down all the time, it was only my dad that loved me and was proud of everything I’d done. My dad died and then I was alone again, with people telling me all the time how worthless I am. But not my husband, he has always supported and loved me. So I knew this was the moment, for me to complete my dare.

I thanked him for all his support, not just now, but always. I told him that I would not have been able to do this if it was not for him. He replied by saying we are a great team, to which I brought my dare in. I said to him Yes we are and I told him I just wanted him to know that I love him. That love is a choice - not a feeling and I choose every day to love him that I am committed to this relationship that God has given us. Period! He replied with a with u on that my love - love soo much too

I let him go after that – I get to heavy sometimes.

But now I also realize that I would not have been able to do any of this if it was not for Christ. First and foremost! I realize for far too long have I put husband first, not God! So now, I will go on my knees and thank Christ for being with me every step of the way; for dying for my sins; for the love and support He has always given me. That He believed in me when no one else did, and that he led me online to the Love Dare when I was and my lowest point. That He is helping me daily to better my life, my relationships and my work. I am so thankful that I never have to feel worthless and no good ever again. God has me in the palm of His hand. Praise His Holy Name!