I have still not asked hubby the question. I have been struggling with this predicament. I was reading Sean’s journals again when something stood out to me. “Choosing to change but having a problem with it.” The bit that stood out was:

“Bad company corrupts good character.” (1 Cor 15:33 niv)

“Bad friends will ruin good habits.” (1 Cor 15:33ncv)

“Bad friends will destroy you.” (1 Cor 15:33 cev)

My mother was bad company. My mother is trying to break up my marriage, because my husband doesn’t stand for her nonsense. My mother’s intentions on inviting me to this soup and sherry evening, sugar coating it by it being a church event, is basically to prove something to my husband. Her intentions are not pure.

My husband on the other hand, he wants me to be with him, to honour a small commitment that we had made to having this braai tonight, but mostly he wants me not to go, because he does not want me to be manipulated by anyone(my mother in this case). His intentions are pure. He still after having spoken to him on the phone left the choice with me, to go if I want to.

I wrote my mother a long e-mail, explaining that it is hard for me to choose between two people I love, and that I will not do it. I love her, but she has to respect my marriage. She has to respect that the way we raise our children is not the way she raised me. The reason my hubby is sometimes so blatant with her is because she respects no one. She still treats me like a child and she speaks to my kids the ways she did with me as a child – not cool. She doesn’t think before she speaks and that is why my hubby is so disrespectful to her. He wants her to realize that just because she has always been like that, doesn’t make it ok. You can change if you want to.

Example: My 5 year old daughter (special needs, level of 2 ½ year old) is trying to sing a song and enjoy the moment, live a little between extra classes and therapy. My mother is trying to get her to say the ABC.  My daughter is ignoring her, carrying on with her little nonsense song. My mother keeps at voice going louder and louder as my daughter is trying to sing louder to drown out my mother, when my mother screams out “so then stay stupid!” Now my husband is not an aggressive man, but if my mother was not on the other side of the table, he would have hit her. Needless to say he shouted some very disrespectful things at my mother and then got up and went outside. So now, I’m in the middle, my mom looks at me and says, “I was just trying to help her” with an angry look on her face, wanting me to justify her behaviour. So, I explained to her, that “even though you said this to me as a child, to push me to do better, you never say something like this to any child, let alone a special needs one!” Her reaction “fine, I won’t speak to the kids ever again!”  So you can see the manipulation going on here…… me saying, “That’s not what I meant” her replying with another, making me feel guilty comment and and and….

So, it is always someone else’s fault never her own. All through my childhood this is how she was with me. Thanks God for my Dad. He loved me no matter what. Spoilt me a little too much, but I think he only did it because of the way my mother was with me. Again, the tug-of-war. One evening my mom and Dad were fighting I must have been 9. My mother said” you are making me hate this child” I’m my mother’s only child. I hated my mother when I was a kid. My dad passed away when I was 18. For a year my mother and I lived in the same house, not speaking a word of meaning. Thus my husband’s response, just because she has always be like that doesn’t make it right. She can change.

Yet here I am 34 and still looking for my mother’s approval in everything I do.

Ok so off the dare for today, but this dare came on exactly the right day to realise “Bad company corrupts good character.” (1 Cor 15:33 niv).

I should not be seeking my mother or my husband’s approval, but I should be seeking it from Christ only. Only then will it fall into place in all other areas of my life. If Christ approves of my behaviour or if my choice was led by Christ himself, why should my mother’s (or anyone else’s for that matter) bother me. If it is done in Christ’s love, who can fault it?

I’m looking forward to my evening with my husband and kids. My mother replied on my mail, saying that she understands better now and she will try harder from her side too, and that I was right, my place is with my husband. She said she loved me and I shouldn’t worry about it. What a shocker – She also said she is sorry that I’m always in the crossfire between her en hubby. She’ll try and do better. Wow. What a wonderful end to a very weird morning.

I have not had any reply from Hubby yet during the course of the day, he is not responding to Skype, must be busy or out the office, but I will then rather ask him in person tonight since we will be home alone (with the kids). I’ve deleted the Skype messages, so tonight in person it is.