I’ve prayed about this, Skype or Phone…. Not really getting
the answer. It was not until I was reading some of Sean’s journals, that I
realized that it was because I was having ulterior motives that God’s answer
did not come through. I wanted to phone, not because God guided me to do so,
but because I wanted my husband to notice something different. I wanted him to
ask me about it, and that was selfish once again.
So I Skype’d him instead. Just checking in to find out how
he was doing, and if there was anything I could do for him. He didn’t need
anything and his day was going rather well.
Home he greeted me outside as normal, closing the garage
door for me. Walking inside the house with me, and he made me some tea. I was
playing piano with my daughter, and he took our tea outside. When she lost
interest in piano, I went outside and hubby and I spoke for a while. Nothing
major, just small talk about the day, but it was nice. We made plans for the
weekend. Having a braai tomorrow evening, visiting his sister after work on
Saturday and planning Sunday (Mother’s Day) on what I was going to make for my
mom and two of her friends that I said she could invite to have lunch with us.
After supper, I made some tea for us and he went to run a
bath for the kids. Right there, in a split second all my happy thoughts and
loving feelings “fell” out of my. He had selected a song on his phone to listen
to, while he was running the bath. “Down in Mexico”. It was his ringtone for
the OW. My heart jumped out of my chest and before I could help myself tears
filled my eyes. I walked away, trying to compose myself as I heard the lyrics
“so she put her arms around my neck”. I stayed away until the song was over and
my face was clear again and as I went into the bathroom to bath the kids. We
normally have some family time in the bathroom. The kids play in the bath and
Hubby and I sit and talk about whatever comes up. I just kept quiet. I was
afraid of what might come out of my mouth if I opened it, and the tears were
burning my eyes, so I focussed on the kids as much as I could. He was trying to
be his cheerful self, but I just could not make myself be that false. He
noticed that something was up, but didn’t ask about it. I told myself that this
was yet another thing that I want to control, but really should give it over to
Christ. With that in mind, I tried to return to being my bubbly self, and Hubby
eased up a bit too.
I can’t say that I am not hurt. I am. He caught me off guard
and the moment was just too big for me. Knowing I should turn this over to
Christ and actually doing it, is a whole different thing. Sometimes I feel like
I’m holding on to the pain, but I don’t know why.
He was in a loving mood, but this time I was just going
through it, because it is what he wanted. I can’t explain how I feel at the
remember you are one with your husband. It may not seem like it at this moment but still true. If he turned that song on and it wasnt like the radio where he had no control of what the DJ is putting on, then it would not be a bad thing to let him know that it strikes a sore spot.
Thanks Sean, I'm not always sure, what I'm supposed to say or how I should react in the moment. The moment however is now gone. It doesn't help I pick a time to talk about it. If it happens again, I will say something.