Collaborate without boundaries

Starting Love Dare Over- Reason why

  • Comments 4

My husband and I have always questioned whether we love each other or not. We have put God in last place honestly. Work has been our priority or other things, not even us or each other. I have been known to have a temper, or blow things out of proportion. When my husband would try to have a conversation he always thought I was judging him, he works 2 full time jobs and at the night job he talks to his family or mom for hours. We always had that issue, I always felt like he wasn’t talking to me, and investing his time on other people or other things like social media. On July 29th, 2017, he asked me calmly if I was in love with him. We ended up having a conversation and we said some mean things to each other, such as “I don’t think I am in love with you,” “ I am not sure why we got married,” “I feel like there are other things out there,”  we ended that conversation asking ourselves “what now?” “Should we get a divorce?” After that we did not speak for about a week. Each day though he would text me asking me “What do you want to do now?” I felt so low all those days, but thank God I have a great friend who never left my side. She encouraged me to pray, to seek God more. I had never experienced Gods presence as much as I have this past month.  He did end up sleeping on the couch and I on the bed. I focused on God those days and myself. I joined the gym and would go with my friend. At some point we ended up talking and I DECIDED to get a divorce. I got the papers, and paid the $200 and sent them in to petition for the divorce. One Saturday morning as I was in bed lying down he came in and asked me what I wanted to do, I told him I wanted to try and save this relationship, and he also said the same. We went out to dinner with two of our close friends and after that we went to the go carts. I thought everything was going great and we went home that night. That night he began asking me all this questions again, I felt like he doubted saving our marriage again. I cried so much that night and told him to stop playing with my feelings, and just make up his mind on what he wanted. We got mad again and he went back to sleeping on the couch. The next day was a very special Sunday. One of the elderly couples of our church had an interview in front of the whole congregation and it was the cutest thing I had ever seen. My eyes were swollen from all the crying I had been doing and I cried even more at all of the things they mentioned about marriage. I saw them, and started to compare my own marriage to them and I left the church early and went straight home. Their love for each other was so strong after 63 years of marriage, the way brother Mark spoke of his wife, the way Sister Ruth expressed her love for her husband was something I wish I had. I totally missed the point where their marriage was based on a marriage with God as the center of it all. That day I had a huge melt down at home I started cleaning out my drawers and closet, I threw out so many clothes! When I got home my phone was still on silent and my husband had been texting me asking me where I was. Apparently, I had forgotten that we had all made plans the day before for our entire group of friends to go out to dinner after church. They were all looking for me, but my phone was on silent. When my husband got home, I let him have it! I told him I was done, hat I had had enough and that I had sent in the petition for divorce already. He was appalled more at the huge pile of clothing on the floor than at me telling him all of this because he kept asking me where all that clothes was coming from. After that everything went more downhill and we did not speak to each other for another week. Sometime during that week I later found out that one of our close friends dared my husband to do the Love Dare, and my husband accepted. During that week he would come home and hug me and I would cry as soon as he did. I kept my praying going though, even though I felt like quitting many times. We talked during the week and he came to me and told me he did not want to lose me, and that he was challenged by our friend to do something for 40 days, and he asked me to be patient. I accepted. I know it took a lot for him to accept this dare because he hates reading! This was during the middle of the week. On Friday morning, as I was leaving to work I ran back inside the house because I forgot to put his lunch on the table, and if I don’t put it along with his car keys and wallet he usually forgets to look for it. He had already gone in the shower but something told me to look at his phone. Neither he nor I have been the type to look into each other’s phones, but this time I did. When I opened his phone it was opened to his WhatsApp, the first thing I noticed was that there was a reply from a “friend” from church, a girl we had had problems for before we will call her “D.” When D came into our church we were all so excited to know her because she was so bible savvy, and just seemed like a girl to get to know because we were looking for a new young adult group leader, and she seemed like she was IT! She lived in our same apartments and would always come over. One time while my husband was at his 2nd job he called me to ask me if it was okay for him to talk to D? I immediately asked him “why?” He responded with “Well, since we are all friends I thought it would be okay for me to talk to her.” I got super jealous honestly. Why if I have been asking for more of his time, for him to talk to me more, why was he wanting to invest time on another girl! When I told him this when immediately called me “crazy” told me I was “a crazy jealous wife.” I have gone through so much in life; so many times I have gotten hurt I felt like this person was a threat to my marriage. That weekend I was sad and hurt I went as far as to tell our pastor what was going on. I also always tend to mention “divorce” when things get hard so I mentioned it. When we went back to church on Sunday, Pastor spoke to us, he did tell my husband “T what were you thinking? Your wife just asked you in counseling last week for you to call her and talk to her! And now you want to add another woman into the picture?” T, my husband said we were right and it was wrong. This was earlier this year and this is how things started off wrong with D. So back to my story, that morning when I saw the message from D to my husband I got so upset, but I stayed quiet and did not say anything about it to T, my husband. But then, my brain started making up all this stories in my head. On Saturday night, we had a conversation and I told him I found out he was talking to D and he said he only messaged her but that was it, nothing more. The next morning I looked at his phone and he had already deleted the messages.  We were fine until on September 4th on our way back from spending the weekend at a water/ theme park in Idaho, my friends and I were driving and a phone call came in. Thank God my friend L was there otherwise I would have lost it even more than I did. My husband was lying in the back sleeping and our friend Davis was sitting in the back sit also. When the phone call came in all three of us looked at our phone except for T, when I looked at the car screen it said D’s name. We all got super quiet, and I got so mad! I felt like my insides were burning, and I started speeding. My friend Davis and Loren helped me to calm down. I texted D and asked her “Hey D, I just noticed you called T, he is sleeping is there anything I can help you with?” It took her like 30 minutes to respond. She said “Oh no Paulina, it’s because I was trying to exit the WhatsApp group we are all in and I accidentally called him.” I was like ok, you can’t try to exit the group and just randomly call him. There 10 of us in the group and out of all of them you called my husband? I let it go until we got to our destination, by now the atmosphere was super tense. My friends got out the car to go into the restaurant and I stayed with T. I asked him why she called him and he said “I don’t know. If you stay here I will call her,” which I replied to with an “Okay, call her and ask her what she wants.” He did, but she never answered. I was so mad that I threw up all my food after eating. When we got home we talked and he said he honestly did not know why she called him, after that I decided to be ok. I really tried to forget about this incident.  Two weeks later, on September 11th, 2017, while at work I received a text from Tmobile and notice that I had been charged $150 for the months of July- August. I had just paid my September bill and it had been much less. I went online to see why it had been more expensive and I noticed that my husband had used a significantly amount of minutes. I only used 600 he had 1000 something.  I went into his phone profile and the first thing that popped up was a phone call for 186 Minutes. I input that number into my phone and oh my God it was D’s number. I looked throughout the month August and they had been talking, not quite often, but when they did it was for hours. I felt as if someone had punched me in the gut, I couldn’t breath and I had an emotional break down in front of everyone at my job. I cried as if I had just caught him cheating or something. I immediately called my friend Loren. She told me to calm down, to breathe, and told me that it was not right but to calm down. My husband had been doing so well with the Love Dare that if I would have called him to tell him all the things I thought of him, we would have probably divorced! I felt so hurt, so betrayed by him and her. I asked her the first time he asked me if it was ok to talk to her if she could not text with him again. OH BY THE WAY, when he had asked me if he could talk to her they had already been texting that day on and off. I ended up sending D a message telling her that I found out she had been talking to my husband for hours and that I did not appreciate it. I told her “T was a married man, and there was no reason whatsoever for her to be on the phone for that long with a married man, or my husband. This would be the second time I have to ask you to please stop talking to him and as my “sister in Christ” it hurt my feeling to see you were talking to him for so long. I don’t think you would like it if your husband or boyfriend would talk to a girlfriend for 4 hours in one day? I don’t need an answer but think about that. I hope this is the last time.” I did get a long text of her excuses “P I’m so sorry and you are right it was wrong now that I think about it, but I never called him. And I do not like him I just talk like that with all of my friends and even my mom.” She even told me she had wanted to talk to me also and with T. But I left it at that and told her we had nothing to talk about. She answered his phone calls also so it was not just him. Like my husband said “It takes two to tango.” When I confronted my husband he assured me he had deleted her number and he would never talk to her again. In fact they had not talked in 2 weeks. This was on the day of DAY 1 of the book so I had to be really patient and really pray before I confronted him because day 1 was about patience, and I needed all the patience I could get in order to not do or say anything stupid. T was very calm and assured me they never talked about anything wrong, he was just so tired of all the fighting he decided to call her. He told me he knew it was wrong but he would never do it again. It took a lot for me not to go off on him honestly. But I told him it hurt my feelings and it will be hard to trust him soon. I walked out the room and continued with my chores. It’s been a week and we are doing “great” but inside of me something is killing me. When I look at the screenshots of their long phone calls it kills me inside. I pretend to be fine, but every now and then I start thinking about it and all this sad feelings come through me and I get sad. I started over again on September 18th so I am trying my best and I know my husband is still doing the “dare.” This is my story right now as to why I am doing this Love Dare.

  • stop saying the d word.  You made a covenant with him and God to stay married.  there is no clause in this covenant like a contract to get out of it.  No matter what you are feeling.  I mentioned to you in the other part of this site to read the appendix, especially about leading the heart.  If you haven't, read it.  You are leading with your emotions.  Stop that now.  

    Also stop snooping.  No more checking phone records.  if God wants you to know something, you will.  We often make out what we perceive as happening worse than it is.  80% of what we worry about did not happen, 15% we make it out to be much worse than what it really is, and the 5% we just forgive and continue to love unconditionally.

  • You have a right to confront her to protect your marriage.  And you did.  Why save the screen shots?  Delete them now.  

    So, he's doing the dares as well.  I believe I had also mentioned not to have any expectations when you do the dares.  now you really have to have no expectations of him doing the dares.  

    Do not start over in the dares.  Continue where you were.  Doing a second round will give you opportunity to do the first dares again.  

  • Dont ask him questions like do you love me, are we in love, should we be married, what do you want to do.  These things are doing more than a dare a day.  And they are leading with emotion instead of leading your heart.  And they are also a way to find comfort from answers from him vs finding comfort from Christ.  Right now seek no comfort from him.  For one, this will just get in his space he feels he needs at times.  

  • Things may get worse before it gets better.  But this serves purpose.    OH, And I realize he may have been the one asking those types of questions, not you.  

Page 1 of 1 (4 items)