Collaborate without boundaries

Day 26 - Forgiveness

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For day 26, I wrote my wife a letter.  It seems like every time we talk, it somehow ends up with her being offended.  So non-verbal communication is best for this dare.  In the letter, I followed a template from a website that talks about reconciling with a hardened-heart.  The purpose of the letter was not to try to win her back or re-ask forgiveness.  Instead it was to admit my guilt in the destruction of our marriage, but more importantly help her heart heal and provide understanding of her emotions, hurt, etc.  The letter was supposed to be about her, not me. Here is an excerpt from the letter:


"I have been getting help from a counselor and God. They have been teaching me how to understand my wife; and a light has gone on for me - a bright light. I’m horrified to realize the depth of the pain I caused you throughout our marriage. You gave it your all and hung in there for a very long time. The decision to want to leave is not a casual one - you are desperate to emotionally survive. Now that I see how devastated you are, I can’t believe what I did to you and how I made you feel. I wish I could go back in time and knock some sense into myself.

As much as I want us together, my goal with this letter is not to change your mind about anything. My hopes are just to say something to help your heart heal. You have been hurt deeply and deserve a lot of understanding right now...

Normal 0 false false false EN-US X-NONE X-NONE ...As I look back over our marriage I realize now that all those times you try to share your heart with me that I would respond like you were attacking me or starting argument. What a fool I was. I didn’t see it then but I see it now – you made yourself vulnerable every time you try to talk to me. You were revealing your concerns. You were afraid your shoulders weren’t broad enough to carry the load of our home and family all by yourself. You were afraid for our future as a couple. The fear for the well-being of our children. You took a risk and bared yourself to me over and over until finally you couldn’t bear the pain anymore. How awful that must have been for you. Please know this – no matter what happens between us in the future, I will always try to be safe with your heart."

I left the letter on her nightstand and left the house to run some errands.  I got a text from her while i was out that said "Thank you for the note!"

I was elated.  I wasnt expecting a response or at least not a positive response.  I just said You're welcome" and left it at that.  Small victory.  I thank this was much better received than my previous notes, talks, etc.  Hopefully, this will allow God to work on her and allow her to see the God in me.

Happy New Year Everyone!


  • Wow, even me reading this should have no expectations, yet I was expecting no response from her to you.  Really enjoy that response.  And really let God know you enjoy Him all the more.

    But, do not let this good response condition you into thinking all her responses and actions toward you will be uplifting.  But dont expect things not to be uplifting either.  Just have great expectations in God's will for your life.

  • She will use anything at any time she chooses to show you she is offended or hurt or angry with you.  but do not let the fear of these responses keep you from doing what you need to do.  

    Sometimes the fear can keep us from even showing patience and kindness.

  • And she may end up getting a little colder for a bit if she realizes or puts the thought into her response as showing that she let her wall down.  But if she gets colder than usual, it will not last long.  

  • Reading, I did not expect you to get a response either. Great that you did. However, let your actions speak louder than your words. Live the life of Christ and let her see that.

    It's crazy how it seems our spouses hearts have been so hardened that they will defy even God. My therapist said my wife's mind has been wired a certain way over the last few years and it's going to take a long time for me to behave in a way to rewire her thoughts about me.

    Remember that marriage is TWO people. Be careful taking all the blame. I did that for six months and my children got tired of it and finally called me out. So I brought it up in therapy and realized that my wife had as much to do with this as I did. Since we can only control ourselves we need to focus on ourselves. Apologize, ask for forgiveness, forgive and be peaceful with that.

    "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?"

    Romans 8:35

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