nataivy's journal

Its been hectic

2012-04-25T03:42:34Z

So angel leaves monday. I'm not sad or mad or anything. i really don't know what i am. Numb. He told me last week that he wants to make us work. But i really don't know what that means. Are we together... are we not? are we waiting.? why now. All i could do was pray...

He's leaving...

2012-04-18T04:22:54Z

So Angel leaves in 2 weeks to go to Texas for a job there. he took the job. What else can i do but be supportive. I mean i don't really know what is going on through his head. he says he will miss me and the baby. i wanna believe that. I just keep praying that he made the right choice. I mean i know he did. i just pray he's happy wit the choice he made. All i can do is pray and wait. See what happens. Two weeks are going to fly... :( im very sad about this...

sad and confused

2012-04-14T04:12:40Z

so the other day Angel came to get the baby. When he got here she was sleeping. So he asked me to lay down with him. So i did. I just stroked his hair and he fell asleep and then i fell asleep. it was so nice. We talked later that night. the next day we talked for a bit and i said i would call him when i got off of work. instead i called his mom cause i needed guidance. he texted me several times but i didn't answer and when i finally did he stopped. Felt like he got upset, but maybe he just went to sleep. i don't know. Today he texted me good morning. Usually it's me doing it to him and he takes hrs to answer. Today he did it first. I was shocked. I texted good morning back and i didn't hear from him the rest of the day. So i went to clean the old apartment. I cried again. Then went to the store. When i went to the store i got him some chocolate cupcakes and roses. I left them with the babies things he was going to pick uip later. I then left him a note that said maybe we can do dinner soon? this weekend? when he got them he texted me but didn't answer about the note. so i asked and he said he was playing card with his friends. i said maybe you can come by after and he said he was going to the bars with his friends. I told him i was just asking for a couple hours. It was like history repeating itself i swear. he used to do this before and then i would keep asking until he said yes. The thing was I just need him around as a friend. But he always chooses his guy friends over me. he said that he had planned this for weeks. Angel plans nothing!!! he said y not sunday. Well the thing was that i'm tired of sharing my time with him. If it was going to be sunday we would have the baby and there goes my time with him. I know that sounds selfish, but it's true. Eventually it got to the point where he said it forcefully that he would come over. At that point i said you really don't like to spend time with me. Do you realize the only time i see you is when you pick up the baby? and now that's going to be gone. "you don't make plans with anyone. But now you have plans. Either way i know you would have said no to me even if you had nothing going on. Thats just how you are with me lately. I'm sorry. i'm going through some emotional stuff and i needed a friend. I thought you might actually choose me and come through. He didnt reply. Thats the thing about angel. his guy friends mean more to him than anything else. I'm tired of being put on the back burner. i feel that i need to stop seeking him and asking for him. I need to stop texting and calling and trying to be in his life. He's not trying to be in mine or trying to include me in his. I'm very irritated and hurt right now. Angel is literally my best friend, but i am not his. I feel like i need to let go.

how do you know...

2012-04-12T23:47:46Z

every once in awhile i hear someone say "well God told me to do this... or God told me not to do that" But how do you know? What do you hear? What am i supposed to be feeling? I'm confused... I just need understanding...

it's been a while.....

2012-04-11T23:16:27Z

it's been some time since i have had a chance to jump on here. I haven't done any of the dares over, but i have been praying and talking to God everyday. He has answered so many prayers for me. As much as i didn't want to move out of the place him and i called home i did and God made the transition simple. I cried when it was done, but it was understandable. I also got a new job making more money full time. God truly answered that prayer. It is for a job that i have no experience doing. So you know He was pushing that. As far as Angel it's hard to tell. About a month ago he interviewed for a job out of state and i prayed about it when he did. I said to God if this is where is supposed to be i will help him get there and i will know that he is not for me. Well he got the job. And he has until tomorrow to respond to either take it or leave it. And i think he is going to take it. he asked me what i thought about it. but i told him that i felt that it was for him and that i thought he should take it. I could not tell him that i wanted him to stay. he can not stay here for me or his child. he needs to stay for himself. I don't think he was expecting that. Of course i don't want him to leave. He is my best friend. And i would be sad with out him here, but I know God will heal me. I know i won't be the same i wasnt after he left the first time 15 years ago. but I have to let God take this and lead the way. Angel has been a little bit different with me, but I don't see reconcilation in him. He is not there at all. I pray about it. I try to spend time with him, but his hear and mind is elsewhere. His focus is a job and i understand that. I just hope if he decides to leave that he really thinks about it. Maybe when he leaves he will see but I am not depending on that. I am depending on God to lead him in the right direction and help me through the process regardless of what happens. He has brought me this far in my journey and i know he will not steer me wrong.

Day 38

2012-04-03T11:29:15Z

Yesterday was day 38 for me. Its been a struggling weekend. I am in the process of moving from our 2 bedroom apartment to my 1 bedroom apartment. I had asked him several times last week to help me move some little things on saturday. He kept telling me he would let me know. Come saturday he never showed up so i was moving by myself. I was really upset about it but continued to move. i called him and he never answered so i just did whatever. about 2 hrs later i saw that he called twice and texted me. I know i shouldn't have called back, but my old self came out and did. Worse thing i could have done. When i called him back i was so angry I started yelling at him like i used to in the past. I even yelled out that i hated him and that i knew that he was talking to other people and lied to me about it. I was so ashamed of myself i broke down crying. I then started to apologize. Then he apologized for disappointing me. Said he didn't know how i was taking the move. Truth be told i didn't even know i was taking the move that hard. we talked for a bit after and i just kept apologizing. When i got home i immediately went into prayer. How could i go from the the day prior telling him that i loved him so deeply to telling him i hate him. I was so disappointed in myself. I was making good stride and then this. Now i truly understand why he's no longer here. I know God is still working on me. But somedays i feel so distant. I think Saturday i felt distant or maybe even just pushed Him away because of my turmoil. Heres to a new day.

Love is unconditional

2012-03-06T05:26:45Z

"Do Something Out of the ordinary for your spouse. Something that proves your love is based my choice and nothing else. " So for the last three days i had no contact with him. I prayed for him. He did get the job he went to interview for. Just has to do a background check which i know he will pass. I also used that time to pray about myself. Part of me wants to move on and let go, but the bigger part wants what we had and more. When i got back sunday he did text me. I didn't answer and he called. We talked for a bit. It was good to just talk to him and hear what he did all weekend. He asked me about the retreat and I told him it was eye opening. He could tell i was tired so he decided to get off the phone. I asked if he was coming by in the morning so i could go to group therapy and he said yes. This morning he showed up and he was very affectionate with me. Hugging and kissing me. I went to therapy and on the way back I got him so roses and his favorite donut. I got to the house and i put one white rose on his windshield with a note that says {"I Adore you". Then on the other side it said "look in your truck bed :)". In the back was a dozen red roses and a vanilla long john with a note that said " I love you forever still i hope this sweetens your day." Went to the house and we talked and hugged. When he left he was surprised. He texted me saying thank you. It felt good. In the past i have done things like this even if we were mad at each other. I just hope he sees that it's all from my heart. That i love him regardless of what happens.

Love is Patient

2012-02-23T17:17:38Z