Collaborate without boundaries

Day 31 - Unsolicited Advice

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I was able to discuss briefly the problem that I have with my parents' advice getting in the way of decisions that my SO and I will make together. We'll come to an agreement, I'll bring it up in discussion to my parents and they'l give me their unsolicited advice as to why it should be this way or another way. Instead of supporting my SO, I'll change my mind thinking that my parents are always right and it will cause a lot of conflict and tension between my SO and I. Even with decisions he'll make that he takes time to think through and do research on I'll throw aside and substitute reasons why we should do as my parents say because, after all, they know best right?

I admitted to not supporting his decisions in the past and let him know that I'm making it my mission to not let their words sway me or get in the way of any decisions we have already made jointly. That I will back him 100%, especially if it comes to decisions pertaining to our daughter such as pre-k and childcare, which has been a big one recently. He heard me out and just said okay.

This morning my mom goes digging into reasons why he's no longer living at the apartment, why we separated, etc. I told her that that is something that me and him need to work on and I didn't feel comfortable discussing the details, that it's an issue and burden we are taking to God. As far as our daughter is concerned, we are acting civilly and responsibly and communicating to everyone our decisions when it comes to her since it does affect both sides of the family. My mother goes off to tell me that it is her business to understand what's going on between him and I because it affects them. My parents and I don't have a very open relationship so anything I tell her she will automatically judge people based on actions and decisions that were made in the past.

I was surprised at myself how calm I was talking to her given that our past discussion ended in a heated argument when she was fishing for information. Her and my dad feel that, since I have been staying at their house, that my business automatically makes it their business to know for the safety and well being of others as it could be detrimental to other parties involved. I told her I understood and we will continue to let everyone know what our future decisions will be regarding us either getting back together or not, but in the meantime we are each on our separate journeys with God and taking everything to Him. Anything that will directly affect them or our daughter will be made known to them and that's it. I asked her to respect the decisions I was making as her daughter, a mother, and an adult. She seemed very agitated but didn't continue on knowing I was not going to let up. She'll make comments from time to time about the daycares my SO and I are interested in but I told her we are doing our research and will decide on what we think is best and what we can afford. I feel like I accomplished a little something but I know they will continue prying in the future. 

  • In all this you are being a witness to Christ to your parents.  Show them honor as you are asked to do from God, but that doesn't mean they are right when they try to influence you.  

  • Only God knows best and everything you need to know is in the Bible. Your relationship between you and your spouse is between you two. I learned the hard way to keep things to myself. You should only talk about your spouse to a very trusted Christian friend or other Christian person (i.e. a therapist.) If you don't like what your parents say or don't feel it is benefiting you stop talking to them about it. (I hope that doesn't sound mean because it's not intended to be.)

    What our spouses don't realize is the terrible affects this has on our children. It's the one thing that really bothers me and there's nothing I can do about it. That is what is more frustrating than anything but we have to do our best to be strong and put Christ in everything to minimize the damage in everyone's lives.

    I think you did the right thing telling your mom that it's between you and your SO. But you do need to thank her so much for letting you stay there and show your appreciation. Let your mother know that when God forgives sins He also forgets them. Something us humans have a hard time considering.

    "Enjoy prosperity while you can, but when hard times strike, realize that both come from God. Remember that nothing is certain in this life."

    Ecclesiastes 7:14

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