Collaborate without boundaries

Day 30 - Unity and Division

  • Comments 4

I have a problem with wanting to always be in control and my stubbornness. I'm sure it stems from not having any control over decisions growing up, and I'm sure my stubbornness comes from my dad. In the past my SO and I have had problems compromising on certain decisions because I always feel we should go with my decision. I'll have a "my way or no way" attitude and fight tooth and nail to stand by it. It has been the root of many problems in the past and the reason why he has stopped communicating or coming to me on certain issues. This is definitely an area I need to work and pray on.

I've been letting him make a lot of decisions and agreeing with him on many issues that come up except when it comes to financial issues. Today he told me he cannot continue helping with the rent since he does not live at the apartment anymore. His stuff is still there and his name is on the lease. Also, our daughter lives there as well so I felt he is financially responsible for helping out. He went on to explain that, since I will be coming up short this month, that he cannot continue to cover whatever portion that I cannot. I explained to him that I've picked up extra bills this month and if I give him the full amount, I will literally have nothing leftover for gas or groceries which we desperately need. He told me that he wants me to prepare for the worst and when the lease ends, he wants me to be able to do it on my own as far as supporting myself. I replied that a lot can happen between now and then. He said "Don't expect much to happen between us. I'm moving on." I hate hearing those words, they're like daggers to my heart. I cannot imagine him being happy with another woman, sharing intimate talks and starting over with someone else. I want to be the one that shows him unconditional love and makes him happy. I want to be his support. I want to be his best friend, his confidant again. I refuse to believe that it's all over. We were put in each other's lives for a reason, we fell for each other and loved one another for reasons beyond our own comprehension. We have a daughter together, went through trials and conquered so many obstacles. I failed before, but I want to prove I can do it now. I just told him to give it time. Again, he told me he wants to move on. That he's only looking to forgive me. It took me a while to respond but I finally just started to write from the heart: "And I'm trying to let you know that no matter what you say, no matter what you do, I'm still going to love you. I'm praying hard every day that I can surrender all control to God and grow closer to Him, praying that you will too and be able to see what I see. I truly want to believe that with Him all things are possible, and that love can conquer all. I'm praying I can love hard like Jesus does, love unconditionally no matter what." After a little while, he finally replied, "I'm glad you are trying to get closer to God. Really I'm happy for you. But I'm not looking to build a relationship again with you." Tears welled up in my eyes. I just reassured him again like I've been doing this entire time, "Anything is possible. Like I said, give it time." That seems to be my motto each time I talk to him or text him is "give it time". At this point I don't know if I'm trying to convince him more or myself. I can tell my depression and anxiety is starting to get to me and make me doubt, or maybe that's the enemy whispering in my ear. Why does it have to hurt so much? Why do I feel like I'm failing in these dares? Even though I'm following through with them the best that I can, I'm praying, I'm trying to surrender it all to God, I don't feel like anything has really changed in me or if I've even gotten any closer to Him. The past couple of days have been rough and I'm fighting temptations left and right. I want to scream out God where are you? What do I need to do to be the strong woman in Christ I aspire to be? 

I feel lost and overcome with sadness.

  • it gets tough when you hear the words he is giving.  But, place our big God way above this  little trial and  you will have peace, and the depression and anxiety will go away.  The depression and anxiety are signs you are putting your problems and  relationship above God.

  • Sometimes I think God holds back you feeling him to increase your faith.  If we always feel Him or hear Him, do we really need faith?  Because if we physically feel and hear and sense He is there, we do not need faith based on we are given the truth He is there.

    In all circumstances, know it is sufficient to trust in the grace and peace and strength and courage He offers you through His Son.

  • Leave the words he gives you that hurt at Jesus' cross and exchange the hurt for the hug of peace Jesus offers you now.

  • My way or the highway! I can definitely relate to that. If my wife didn't want to do things my way I did it anyway. I was such a control freak and I really had no idea. I've learned to put that away now and I'm still seeing things everyday that I try to control. It's something you have to be aware of and focus on changing and letting go of.

    That big paragraph looks like it came straight from me. My situation is exactly the same. I just can't understand what my wife is thinking. I also happen to believe, from thoroughly reading about marriage in my Bible, that the circumstances between my wife and me don't allow us to remarry. If we do it will be considered adultery by God. So I have to remain single if she leaves. Then if she decides to form a relationship with someone else it will put her in sin. It's complicated and hard to think about.

    I felt like you for a few months but I also realized that this was causing me to put my wife above God as an idol. God wants you to love Him above all else, including your spouse. I still struggle with this because I want my wife so bad. I just have to understand that God works in His own way and in His own time for MY good. I have to trust that He is doing what is best for me.

    "But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

    2 Corinthians 12:9

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