Earlier this week I talked to someone about how to handle seeing him every Sunday. She told me I needed to get up early and prepare. Read the Bible and pray, have plenty of time to prepare your mind and not be rushing late and then it all hit you in the face. I was struggling just in preparing myself this morning. Getting closer to time to leave I was a nervous wreck, I said God I have no strength, I need your strength to carry me through this morning and lift my spirits, open my ears to your word. I made it through! I was actually able to listen to the sermon in peace and take it in. Not only that but it was reaffirming. The pastor said the exact words I had studied over this week. The exact words I had in my mind as something I wished I could tell my ex or that he would know. A few days ago I gave it to God and asked him to handle it. Thank you Lord! I was so thankful for the affirmation that He hears me. I had earlier asked God to please let me know that he was with me this morning because before church I was having a difficult time. This was it, he was telling me I am here, I am listening, keep trusting me! I saw my ex, he walked right past my entire family and didn't say a word, didn't look, nothing. Ouch. I went to lunch with my family although I had no appetite. On the way, I started getting teary. As I sat at the table it was getting harder and harder to fight back tears. I excused myself outside and sat on a bench. The tears were rolling, I couldn't stop. I was praying and saying God thank you for showing me your love this morning but why do I feel like this now? I am so thankful for what you have done but why am I still so sad? I think sometimes when you have to hold so much in and look happy, it drains you, and when you try to relax it all floods out. I was asking God why this is so painful? No matter what happens, I am growing closer to God and learning more about his love, but WHY is it so painful? Why does growth have to be this painful? I was trying to get myself together to go back inside after about 15 minutes. The next thing I know, a lady is sitting next to me. She asked if I was ok and said she had been watching me from in the restaurant. I said I was ok, just having a difficult moment. She talked with me and prayed for me. Thank you God for sending this sweet lady to pray for me!!! Thank you AGAIN for letting me know you are here with me and you are hearing me!
I came home and got in my bed, I prayed and thanked God for all of his love and presence this morning. I am so thankful. But I am still struggling to let go. I am still struggling to function today and to feel at peace. I read day 24 this morning before church. I read it again a few minutes ago. I had been wondering what could this thing be? What is the lust that God is calling me to surrender? I am going to pray on this and see where this evening leads me.
Why does it hurt so much? Well because we let it. If we focus on Christ, and make Him our priority then it all changes. But without the hurt we as humans would not need Christ, nor would we seek Him out. Just realize each painful piece is bringing you closer to Christ and allowing your heart to be open to His word.