Mike's journal

01/31/2011 - The End.

2011-01-31T21:50:05Z

01/31/2011 – Confused again. Everything was clear and now it is clouded.

Thank you all for your prayers, your concerns, your words and suggestions. I assure you all that I have not turned my back on God and I know I must put Him first in my life. Last Friday Laura came home from her classes and we started talking, I told her that I feel no feedback from her about how I am doing. She says 'no checking in', I hear about every time I slip up, make mistakes or do something wrong but there is never any reward or kind words when I do something right. I told her I loved spending time with her and that I wanted to make our marriage work. The discussion went on and I asked, and she admitted, to seeing someone in a sexual relationship, she says with no emotional attachment but she has considered our marriage over since September and considers herself single and divorced without paperwork. There was a lot more talk, most of which I will keep private. She did tell me that she no longer loved or cared for me, that when I touch her that she wants to throw me out of a window and that everyone, her ex bf, her lover and her counselor tell her to leave me because I am a jealous, insecure, emotionally abusive husband.

I decided that I would grant the divorce again. I will make her happy. She can leave and move on with her life. She and I went our separate ways that night. She left the house to go out with her friends from class and I went to bed. I cried and prayed and was angry and hurt, but most of all I felt guilt for hurting her again, and a failure in my life. I have failed the woman that I love and my children.

Saturday she hardly said a word to me. I explained that although we would be getting divorced, which is what she wants, that I want to remain friends. I hope that we would be able to interact friendly for our children. She agreed and said she would see. I made dinner, she ate in her room, she stayed in her room until bedtime and when I went up she went downstairs. It was a sign of how things may become in my home again. I was even sadder the second night.

I worked Sunday. I felt relief at our decision. I felt relief that I finally knew and understood that she had moved on, didn't love me anymore and wanted out. It was like God had lifted a great weight from my shoulders. I had a good day at work with my friends. They were supportive, but understanding at my decision. They saw that Laura and I had no choice but to come to this decision based on the recent events.

Monday I came home and was going to run errands. As I was getting ready to leave she asked if I was going to file. I took a moment and told her 'no'. I actually wasn't going to file, I can do that from a phone but hadn't decided when to do that yet. I was running out to the FD, to the bank and to the college but she had asked so I followed up with why? She said that we were not financially ready to file. I explained that we will never be ready and that divorce will kill us both financially. I will be paying child support and she would have to get a job to support herself. It will suck, but I explained that we should start the process and get going instead of waiting and eventually hating each other worse than she already does hate me. She told me that I didn't understand, I asked if she wanted me to delay because of finances or because of something else. I explained that waiting because of finances is stupid, she disagreed. She then went on to tell me that I need to be right with God, that I cannot look at her for a gauge on how I am doing. She says she prays for me. She told me that her lover was a once in a while thing to relieve her pressure and nothing more. I told her that if she wanted to work on us and forsake all others then I can forgive that, I mean what the heck is wrong with me? My wife is in another mans arms and I am considering forgiving that to keep the family together.

She left for classes because she wanted to. The kids class was an hour and a half away but she was done talking. She said we would talk more tonight.

I am confused. I went from being sad but understanding and being relieved that we had been 'clean' with each other to being confused and scared again. My friends tell me that I need to stick with my decision and that I am getting strung along because she is financially scared and not ready for the divorce. My brain is torn between that and the 'what if'? The what if she wants us to work, that what if I can change and make this better. She tells me I am not listening. That I am not understanding her clearly although she tells me. I know I understand. She doesn't want me touching her, she doesn't like me, she doesn't know if she can ever love me again. She needs time to heal. I get that. What I don't get is that while I am giving her time, her ex bf has offered her to move in with him after the divorce and she has a part time lover for sexual release, a counselor that tells her to leave me all the time and friends that tell her the same. How I am supposed to overcome or ignore that? She says she has given all the effort that she is willing to give to us. She is living her life and that I need to get right with God and fix myself.

I have some serious thinking to do. Some praying and decisions that need to be made. Is God keeping me here and her so we can overcome all this. Can I overcome my issues, her lover? Can she cut her lover off and tell her ex that she has chosen me? Or is this just my final signal that my marriage has come to an end and I have to stop being the fool?

She just e-mailed me a reply to this mornings conversation telling me that nothing has changed in the last year, that her feelings toward me haven't changed. She told me that she wants to pay some bills off before we file and then work on closure. I guess I have my answer. The divorce is looming like a huge dark cloud on our lives, the lives I have messed up beyond repair.

This will be my last post on this forum. I pray for all of you. I thank you for your prayers for me.

Day 18 - a day of understanding, finally.

2011-01-26T00:18:25Z

Day 18 – 01/24/2011 – Love seeks to understand.

So I have been slapped in the face again, a wake up call. Laura told me exactly what you guys have been telling me and now I need to listen.

I sent her an email admitting my failings (I know I probably shouldn't have done that) but I wanted to be honest. She sent me back a long email asking me why I needed to be the way I am, jealous, insecure. The last paragraph told me that she is glad I found God and whatever she decides she has to do for happiness then that is the good thing that came out of this. I read this to say that she wants or has decided to leave, to give up. I came home and told her that, once again, that I would grant her the divorce, or separation so she could move on, heal and be happy. She thought about this a while and came downstairs and told me I was a *** for presenting the ultimatum. I explained that I did not want or desire a divorce, just that I am damaged and I don't want her hurting. What happened next was God slapping me the wake up call;

she reminded me that she wrote that she doesn't worry about me at work, who I am with, who I am texting, who I am talking to because she trusts God. She said that while I may believe and be saved that I still need to turn my life over to Him completely. Sean and Stephen, listening....you told me this how many times? Maybe hearing it from her drilled it in. I haven't been doing that, I have been worrying. I have to stop looking for outward signs from her. Bam! Needed this to happen today, however awkward it is.

I took from this, that Laura wants me to keep working. That she hasn't totally given up on me. I think that she would have jumped on my offer if that is what she wanted. She guided me back to Him. Good talk.

She left for work and class. I ran errands and God sent me a huge message during errands that I won't go into here because it is so personal, but I was a doozie. I didn't worry about Laura once. I came home, made food and fed children. I feel calm today and that makes me happy. I feel optimistic today for I now believe that all the pieces are coming into place and I can change my jealousy and insecurity through prayer. I like feeling this calm. It has been awhile.

I will continue to behave.....again, no more slips. No more giving into Satan's temptation. I will watch and wait patiently for Laura to heal. I will work on me and focus on Him.

This may be one of the turning points in this dare. This feels like an important day of understanding for me.

Dinner, ah. I picked up fresh shrimp and will do something with that for Laura when she is not working late. The focus is not on Laura and I time right now. I need to fix me. Starting today. Amen

Day 17 - a step sideways. Am I losing focus?

2011-01-24T03:17:39Z

Day 17 – 01/22/2011 – Love Promotes Intimacy

Intimacy is out of the question for us. She won't even allow me to kiss, hug or hold her. Wow, talk about pulling away.

The weekend started weird and went downhill from there, with a small bright spot in the area.

Saturday I came home from work for our weekend together, relaxing and she told me that she and my youngest daughter had been recruited for a judo demo 1 ½ hours away and would be gone mid afternoon until after supper/late. She said they would be eating out. I dealt with it. We had breakfast and talked. She said she was appreciating that I was giving her time and that she had decided to stay and work on us as long as I exercised patience. I tried not to pry too much and backed off the deep, heavy relationship talk. She did tell me that our martial arts instructor had 'checked in' with her, asking how things were going between us. She smiled and told me that it wasn't me checking in so it wasn't bad. I laughed.

When she came home I was asleep, I was woken by daughter running up and down stairs. I made the mistake of getting out of bed and going downstairs to see Laura. She was sitting up texting someone. I asked if she would come to bed to chat and she said no. I started to go upstairs and came down again, telling her that I missed her. She said she knew. I left. I left her to chat with her friend on the phone. It wasn't horrible, but I should have listened to my little voice that was telling me to stay upstairs. Ah well. I didn't explode, I wasn't upset, I was disappointed and I missed her.

Sunday was OK, she left to run errands for a while, she came home, we watched some football and a show or two. She had her laptop and phone texting and chatting online for a while. I didn't say anything. She was here, with me. What could I say?

I will continue to stay back, to enjoy my time with Laura when I get it. I pray for her daily. I want her to be happy. I want to know that me trying, 100%, is what I am supposed to be doing. I know this is on god's time and I pray,eventually, that he guides her to break free of her emotional and intimate friendships and turns that back over to me. Laura told me that this is an exercise in patience and I should ride it out. It is difficult for me. Am trying though. I love her tons and want to make our family whole again. I pray that this works out for us both.

Day 16 - another couple of good days. I am actually looking forward to being home again.

2011-01-21T22:42:31Z

Another couple of good days. I was wondering how things would be after a good couple of days and then I worked Tuesday, a couple of texts Tuesday were nice. Wednesday I was gone all day teaching, until 10pm at night. I did see her in class at noon for martial arts, we talked nicely and smiled. Small things. I came home at 10pm and she was on the computer. I grabbed something to eat and went to sit down, I offered to watch our show that we had been watching and to my surprise she agreed. We sat, talked, smiled, laughed and watched the show until midnight. She actually talked about the future again, moving together to a place, maybe later on moving away/out of state. I like that her head is thinking of the future with me. I thank God that she is thinking these thoughts, even if just for a few minutes.

Bed, sleep and awake Thursday. I taught for a couple of hours in the AM. Laura wasn't feeling great when I came home. She had counseling at 1pm on her own. She wanted to do separate counseling, I stopped seeing this woman as I got nothing from her. I came to find out that she has told Laura (Laura told me) that she should leave me, divorce me and move on because the counselor believes that I am an emotional abuser and can never be changed. I guess that explains why that counselor and I never clicked, she sounds like she has her mind pretty much made up about me. I am so glad that Laura is a person that believes anyone can change if they put their mind to it and decide that it is important enough for them to change. Laura has posted a few times that with 100% effort, anything is possible. I live by that, I am putting 100% effort into changing, behaving, being a better person and fixing my marriage. I digress, she had a counseling appointment and I went shopping for some stuff.

We met at home later. She grabbed the computer, I made lunch. I had been teaching since work on and off so an afternoon off would be great. She and I grabbed the couch, our shows, a beer and her laptop. We had a relaxing afternoon. She actually seem to flirt a couple of times with me, telling me that she likes to watch me bend over to pick my alarm clock off the floor (the kids mess with it). More great days like this and my smile will be tough to get off my face. The intimacy is not even close to coming back. No touches, no kisses but I am not letting that cloud my days.

She decided to stay home this weekend to recuperate. She said a weekend at home would be nice. I agree. She said she wants the family to go see my brother and family coming up. Again, she is making small plans as a family again.

I am still a long way from where we need to be. The negative influences of some of her 'male' friends and counselor that tell her to leave me, run far away and start again are still there. I am hoping and praying that every day I prove them wrong and show her that I have changed that she is closer to us being 'us'.

I pray for her every day. I used to pray that she would take me back, that she would love me again and then I slowly realized that I was praying for me and not for her. I am now praying that she is happy, that she is peaceful and that she is able to find love again. Now, I still hope all these are with me again, but if not then that is God's plan and who I am to question that? I guess that is what has changed. I cannot control her, I cannot control my relationship with her, God is in control. If she opens her heart to me again and loves me again then it is because God wants it to be, not me.

A couple of good days, even put together, do not make a great relationship. I am hoping that we keep on this path and this is the foundation of our relationship for the future. I hope that the intimacy returns soon. I want to hold her and kiss her so much. I am not giving into my desires of the flesh. I am giving it time, God's time, Laura's time, just time.

Keep praying for me. This is the best I have felt in months. I pray that things don't suddenly fall of the cliff again.

Day 15 - a good couple of days off.

2011-01-18T22:52:00Z

Day 15 – 01/17/2011 – Love is Honorable

I had a great couple of days off. No intimacy, but a good couple of days with my wife, at least while she is still my wife.

I came home Sunday AM. And took a quick nap. I showered and took my eldest daughter to church. Laura decided to stay home with the other kids. I asked if there was anything she needed while I was out and she asked me to call her after I was done with church and maybe we would run errands. Church was a new place we were trying out because my daughter has friends there. It was OK, they had a guest pastor giving the message but it spoke to me and that was good.

I called and we did run errands, we ran to a couple of stores and picked up some take-out for lunch. We went home, climbed into sweat pants and relaxed for a lazy Sunday on the couch. We had a couple of shows to watch and she played on her computer, we talked nicely, had a glass of wine, watched TV and enjoyed the day. I was amazed. It went so peacefully, no stress, no stressors. Good day.

We went to bed and slept separately again. I don't expect intimacy to return today so this wasn't a surprise.

I slept well and woke Monday for a busy day of martial arts classes and running kids around with Laura needing her 'office time'. I went downstairs and saw that it was snowing, just an inch or two, Laura came downstairs and said that we should take a 'down' day and have some time here. I immediately said a silent prayer of thanks because I was going to get another day, at home, with my wife and family. Awesome. I went outside and cleared the sidewalk, we came in and the family cleaned the house. My daughter had a friend to visit over, Laura and I worked in the kitchen preparing a beef strew for the crock pot. We talked nicely again, she laughed and I felt awesome just spending time with her. She and I spent a few hours in the afternoon doing our own things, she baked and I read. It was nice. We relaxed again on the couch for the evening and had some good conversation again. I went to bed and she stayed up. I didn't question it, I didn't complain, I just was. It was good. I touched her hair and said goodnight, that act of loving that didn't need to be returned. I slept well again. This was a great couple of days off for me. I hope she was relaxed and had a fun couple of days with me also.

We talked about a weekend trip to see my brother again, together. She talked about inviting a friend down next weekend when we are off together, to visit us. Family stuff. She talked about moving, plans for the house, plans for the dogs. Little things, nothing major, but certain bits of conversations that show me that she may be, just may be thinking of something in the future for us, not just her and the kids. I hope so.

I write the negative all the time. This was a positive couple of days. A glimpse that she is spending time with me, by choice, and that it can go well. I keep praying that God softens her heart towards me and that we have more and more of these days until she decides she wants to be with me again.

Day 14 - still no love and I should back off more?

2011-01-15T21:47:53Z

Day 14 – 01/14/2011 – Love takes delight

There is nothing to give up to spend time with Laura. She thinks I am home too much already. Actually half kidding with that statement but she has told me that we do not 'need' to do everything together. I know this. I have my friends, and she has some of hers. I was good Thursday evening when she went out. She came home before going to the bar and half-invited me. I declined politely and told her to have fun. I gave her space with her friends without having to glom on. I think it was the right decision. She had fun and was nice towards me Friday.

She did tell me that she hasn't any love for me. It hasn't even started to come back. She said that she doesn't know if it will. I had mentioned that I look sexy with all the weight that I have lost and the toning that martial arts is giving me. She agreed and said that was never my problem. I followed up with the “are your feelings towards me changing?” - she said 'sorry'.

I am taking advice guys, I really am. Counselors tell me that Laura and I need to discuss our relationship. Laura tells me to give it time. I have been backing off, going with the flow, when she wants to go out without me to class, to do stuff she has been. I am just waiting for the 'Dear Mike' letter. She mentioned that I am anxious, I am. I need to give this over to God and calm myself of these feelings. I am helpless. I feel like I should be doing something to sway her thoughts, to bring her around to thinking and desiring me instead of the people that she is talking with. I have to stop, but it is hard. I will keep praying.

Thanks for your support. I hope God's time changes things.

Day 13 - no fighting, but would fighting would mean she cared a little bit.

2011-01-13T21:59:25Z

Day 13 – 01/12/2011 – Love fights fair

We haven't been fighting, sometimes I think that would be an improvement, It would show that she is putting in an effort and shows that she actually cares about what happens to us. At least anger is an emotion. I know I shouldn't think like that and I have been trying not to but it happens from time to time.

Anyways, I stand by our fight rules that I drew up last time. I think we fight fair. I think we needed to stop before anger comes into disagreements. I have stopped short on arguments or disagreements so we don't get into the 'fine we are getting a divorce' statements. I haven't mentioned that in a while, and neither has she.

She is still cold towards me at times. She 'doesn't care' if we spend time together. She did not want to go on a date this week. I guess I was OK with all of these. she was gone all day yesterday while I was at work, she was busy but says she had a good day. I am hoping that she is home tonight with the family, dinner and a show and some time. I am waiting for time because I think that the more we find time away from each other then the easier a complete break will be. We will see what happens later, she has been asked out by a few people at judo class to go drinking after class. I was not invited so............she said if the bar is too far away then she will be coming home. I am torn. Part of me wants her to come home and have a nice evening, stress-free to add to the good days we have been experiencing and part of me wants her to go out so she knows she can go out without me. I told her the other night that she needs to get her girlfriends together and have a girls night out. I don't need her to be home all the time. I just enjoy our time together now.

I will write what happened later on and add to this if I get time, or add to tomorrow.

I am at peace here most of the time. I worry somewhat still, but have been praying for comfort. I have been doing tasks (dishes, kitchen, cooking, laundry etc) to help out, show how much I am invested in our home. I am trying to not look for signs from her, but it is tough. I feel like I am in a good place trusting God with my life, I am just trying to patiently wait until He sends my life where it needs to go, wherever that is.

Day 12 - no intimacy, but a mildly good day.

2011-01-12T00:31:34Z

01-11-2011 – Day 12 – Love lets the other win.

Thanks again for all the comments. Thanks Sean for reminding me what I have been through before and posted before. I do make an effort to read posts from people here and my older posts as the dare approaches for me this time through.

I backed off yesterday and today and it seems to have been rewarded, somewhat. Yesterday I taught class afternoon and evening but halfway through my afternoon class Laura texted me and invited me home for a nice family dinner. I apologized for not marking class on the calendar and explained that I was teaching and would like a rain-check. She said no big deal and I ended the text session by telling her that I appreciated the effort and it put a smile on my face. She went to bed just as I arrived home from evening class so we didn't chat much.

Today started so-so. The morning she was short with me, so I left her alone. She came downstairs after a noontime nap (she has been feeling worn out lately) and we talked nicely, watched a little TV and took the dogs for a walk, just her and I. It was very nice. She is gone tonight with the girls for a martial arts demo, so I am making dinner for when they come home. I am hoping, and praying that she is in a good mood and wants to pick up where we left off when she gets in.

I have backed off. I caught myself trying to, wanting to touch her, kiss her and stopped myself before doing so. I guess I can learn.

I am still confused as to the direction God wants me to take. I pray daily for guidance as to where my life and my relationship should be. I want to be married to my wife and be happy again.

Today's dare is to let her win. I do almost all of the time. There are not many disagreements in this house, except for the looming divorce, that I don't work out with discussion with Laura. I guess today's dare was when she went to take a nap after being up for a couple of hours, I asked if she needed anything and then left her alone and watched the kids. She wins. I thought maybe that she was avoiding me, I prayed, was comforted and had a good afternoon after wards. I am starting to believe the best and listening to her when she says things and not pushing further.

I will keep plugging away.

Day 11 - an end to intimacy.

2011-01-09T19:26:55Z

01-08-2011 – Day 11 – Love Cherishes

I came home from our day away and Laura greeted the kids with a nice hug and me with a half-hearted hug. I went for a kiss and was greeted with hair again. I asked what was wrong. She finally told me, she said that she doesn't want to touch or be touched by me. She said that over Christmas she tried being with me again but the hurt from the last year played too much of a part in her emotions. She said she is not ready to be kissed, touched or loved by me yet and that I have to give her time. I explained that I am trying to give her time but when I try for hugs, kisses etc I am testing the waters. She said that she said she wasn't in the mood for affection a week ago, I explained that in my mind that meant right now, try again later.

Now she has explained it I will back off completely. I will wait for her to come to me. She is emotionally detached from me. I don't know if it will ever come back, she doesn't know if it will ever come back. I am scared that it won't. I can't imagine loving her and her hating me forever.

Again, I offered that if she was so sure this wasn't working out then we will deal with everything else. She asked if I was giving ultimatums, I said I wasn't. I told her I do not want a divorce, I want to fix my mess. I told her I will give her time. The question is how much time? I can't live as room mates forever. I can't watch her seek intimacy from her male friends while I am out in the cold. She told me that I should get a girlfriend. I said that is not what I want. I think other relationships will cloud what I am trying to work towards. I am worried that she has 'other' relationships now because the quick way she threw that suggestion out. Nothing I can do about it, though. Except leave, and I am not sure this is the right time to give up on us.

What do I do here? I will continue the dare, continue doing all that I do for her and see what happens. I have no idea what I will be doing in a month, will I still be in this place in my relationship with her. I don't understand why she told me we are back together, and working on things and then she won't go on another date with me, or spend time with me. What kind of relationship does she want with me, if none, then say none and let me deal with that.

Time. I know, give it time. I am on God's time and Laura's time. I keep praying for comfort.

01-06/07-2011 - Day 10 - and away I go. I am missing my time with my wife.

2011-01-07T22:22:11Z

01-06/07-2011 – Day 10 – Love is Unconditional

After yesterday's exchange I left it be. I am learning, I prayed, found 'busy' work around the station house and had a good day. She texted me at night telling me phone and internet were down at home, we texted a few messages, nothing heavy, I asked about her day and she answered busy, I told her hang in there and that her hard work would pay off. She left the text at that. I was happy that she texted, happy that she was thinking of me. Thinking about it, she didn't need to text me, she handles things like by herself. It was nice that she included me.

Today (01-07) saw me come home and gather the children to go to friends for the night. She is staying home with new puppies and to have some time, kid and me free, to herself. I got home, tried to nap, got up, showered and went to run errands. I stopped by the beer store and got her a couple of micro-brews for her night in. I went home and told her I fetched something in case she was thirsty later. She thanked me.

I tried for a kiss and hug and got the half-hearted hug and the top of the head kiss again. Whatever, I walked away without saying anything negative. God has a plan, right?

When I was ready to leave she asked when I would be home. I said I wasn't sure and offered to call her on the way home, she said fine. I asked if I should call her tonight and she said you can if you want. I haven't decided. I want to call her, but also want to give her space while we are gone.

As I walked out the door I turned to kiss her, got the cheek, went for a hug and she said that I had already been hugged. Again, nothing negative, I left.

I hope tonight goes well. I have talked things out with my buddy and feel good about the way I am handling things at home. I am showing her that I have changed and am committed to the relationship.

I hope I see her tomorrow night for a bit. I work on Sunday so no time there.

Ah well. My life is in God's hands. I trust that He will work things out for me.

Day 9 - still confused, but I have to believe the best of her.

2011-01-06T15:02:26Z

01-05-2011 – Day 9 – Love is not irritable

Well, it has gone bad again and unlike the last few time I cannot put my finger on why, I swear I didn't do anything wrong this time.

I came home from work Tuesday and Laura was gone shopping. I showered, cleaned kitchen, fed children and she came in. I smiled and greeted her warmly. I asked how her day was and got a muttered response. I offered lunch and she said she had leftovers. She warmed up her food and went upstairs telling me that she would be eating alone and had work to do. I left it at that. I wandered upstairs to ask a couple of questions after a while and she told me that I was not leaving her alone. I walked out and downstairs.

She was home for an hour and then took my youngest daughter and went to Martial Arts to work. She said she would be back late. She also told me that she would be gone all Wednesday, until late again at work. My oldest daughter asked why she is gone so much if she isn't getting paid to work there, Laura told her that she is doing stuff there to get paid. I talked with my oldest about confronting her mom and making mom feel bad about leaving for work. The kids really shouldn't be getting involved in why and when their mom or I have to be gone. I told her to apologize to her mom. I hope she does.

I went to bed Tuesday before Laura came home (after 10:30). Laura was gone when I got home from teaching class Wednesday AM. I met them at Martial Arts for my noon class. Laura thanked me for making supper and doing her laundry. I said 'you're welcome'. That was the extent of Wednesday's conversation. She stayed in the office for the next 3 hours, I watched the kids. I left at 4pm and took the kids home. I made supper, cleaned house and watched some TV with them. Into bed at 10pm again and Laura wasn't home yet. I am at work today and gone tomorrow and Friday at a buddies house (we had planned on taking the whole family but Laura wants to stay home, watch the puppies and have some quiet time so it's just me and the kids now) and then I am back to work on Sunday.

I sent her an e-mail this AM about money stuff and ended with 'I miss you'.

I am still praying and not understanding. I don't know what changed again. She said she was trying again with me, with the family and now she has stopped talking and is pulling away, gone all the time, almost avoiding the home when I am there. Maybe I should wake up, smell the coffee, read the writing on the wall and whatever other phrases explain this and understand that she wants this to be over but for whatever reason she won't tell me yet. Should I just file for divorce? Will this make her happy?

There other day I asked if she wanted to talk, that I felt we had changed again and told her I will listen calmly to anything. She said there was nothing she needed to talk about.

I don't understand. I was so happy at Christmas when she said she would work on us again. I was doing well, behaving myself, being happy and now this, again. I was all set, before Christmas for the pending divorce. I was mentally prepared that my life with Laura had been ruined by my actions and that is was over. I was calm, then she took me back and I was happy again, for the first time in months and now it seems to be falling apart again. Lord, I don't understand what I am to do here. Guide me. I am listening. I am giving her time that she asks for. Please comfort me because I am dying inside again.

She called this AM, while I was at work to talk about other stuff and I asked her what was wrong with us, she told me that nothing was wrong and that I was assuming something was wrong because she has been at work and gone and not intimate. She said that the kids have told her that I am mad at her (not true, I talk about her well when she is not there. I don't know where they get that I am mad at her, but they tell me things about her that she says isn't true as well). Laura tells me that she has been busy, which she has, and that I am the one that was acting cold towards her yesterday. I gave an answer to her thank you and left things go at that. I didn't follow her to her office because she likes to be alone there. I wasn't intentionally being cold, I thought I was doing right by leaving her alone and giving her time.

I will continue. I have set reconciliation of my marriage and making Laura happy again as my goal for this year. I pray it happens.

Day 8 - a dinner date (??) and an OK evening, Less intimacy but still time together.

2011-01-03T20:32:49Z

01-03-2010 – Day 8 – Love is not Jealous

Destroying her negative list was easy, again. I try not to think negatively of her, even when I do not agree with her reaction to our current situation. I am accepting her pulling away and needing time, it is tough and I find myself talking with many people to clear my head and for support. I like to hear people tell me to smile, think positive, trust God and pray and, of course, not to give up. It is tough though, I have the flesh, demanding attention, demanding just a little bit of love, a touch, a kiss, a meaningful hug, something that is showing me that I am doing things right.

Jealousy has been a HUGE issue in my dealings and my problems with Laura. I finally admitted to her, the truth. She is a beautiful, wonderful, sexy woman, that is awesome to be around, and that is why I am sacred. I wonder, sometimes, what she is doing with me when she could have anyone. I hate my negative self talk and have made huge steps to improve my self image over the past months in hope that it will make me a positive person about myself and lesson any jealousy that I feel when she is approached by other men. I have lost almost 40 lbs, have been doing martial arts steadily for the past year and am toning myself. I wear contacts and do my hair different. People have noticed at work and out and about. I feel more confident. I feel a better person. I think I am improving myself for Laura. This is good.

I pray when I feel jealousy show its face in my relationship now. I am not controlling of where and how long Laura is gone. When she asks for time to herself I am not assuming that she is talking with other men anymore. I had a test yesterday at a restaurant when she was texting someone back and forth for a few minutes. I actually, for the first time in ages, didn't feel jealous, I thought to myself that I am here, with her. She chose me tonight. It was a calming feeling. We had a good night. She didn't hold hands, we didn't kiss, but we talked nicely and shared a few laughs. We had a great dinner and when we got home she grabbed a TV show and we relaxed on the couch together. We talked about combing shopping trips with a lunch or dinner at some cool restaurants and making this a regular thing. I hope that works out, I think we really would have fun connecting again, just us.

When we went to bed I reached over to touch her and thank her for the evening, she pushed my hand away, I explained that I wasn't invading her space and wanted to touch her and thank her for the night and she said that she didn't want to be touched, I withdrew. I asked why, she wouldn't answer, but instead of pushing and pushing for an answer like I had in the past I turned over, said goodnight and let it go. I woke this morning feeling happy that I didn't push us into an uncomfortable situation and ruin the evening where I would be apologizing all day for it. Improvement. Yeah!

I am taking your advice and letting God work the miracle. If I am not to touch or be touched by my wife then so be it. It will happen when she is ready. I am thankful that she is in my home, with our family making plans for our future (on occasion) and am really thankful for every evening that I spend with her, that she has chosen to spend with me.

Day 7 - Maybe some misreading, definitely some doubt again.

2011-01-03T04:02:02Z

01-01-2011 – Day 7 – Love Believes the Best.

The lists were the easy part of this dare. The same things keep showing up on them. Nothing there changes. Do not read this wrong. I put a lot of thought into them.

I was heading out of town for a quick couple of days hunting this morning. Laura was cold to me, stand offish, I later found out she was exhausted (new puppies and no sleep) and wasn't feeling well. I misread the situation (as she told me) and believed that her pulling away was her changing her mind, or giving up. I felt awful. I drove up to my brothers home wondering what I may have done wrong in the past 5 days to chase her away again.

Through talking with Laura, who had told me “its not all about me” and my brother and sister-in-law this weekend and listening to the message at church I will continue to keep this relationship in God's hands, will continue to give Laura time to work on her side of our relationship.

I have trouble with the intimacy button going on and then off again. The day or so after Christmas Laura was hugging, kissing me and then the switch goes off and I don't understand what I did, or even if I did anything. I still am gauging her reaction to me as how I am doing.

I know what your comments will say, quit looking for her reaction to decide if I am doing well, or doing the right things. Trust God with my life and my relationship. I am working on that.

I will succeed. I have changed and Laura is finally noticing it. I hope and pray that 2011 is our year to start repairing the damage I have done to our relationship.

I know she didn't take the decision to let me back in her life and I know, deep down, that she wouldn't give up on that decision after just 6 days. I have to stop doubting myself and trust God. I am finding trusting Laura easier and easier each day, I hope she is finding it in her heart to trust me.

Day 6 - adding margin, and some insecurity sneaks in.

2010-12-30T21:03:02Z

12-30-2010 – Day 6 – Love is Not Irritable

To start I will address some comments with Day 5, Stephen suggested I ask about the information already presented to me. I did. I told Laura what I perceived as my biggest issues and how I was changing them, she agreed I was on the right track. I told her I hoped so.

To add margin, again. I have mentioned that my schedule is pretty nice right now and I don't think there are 'time' issues between Laura and I.

I have been home the last couple of days and she has been a little under the weather. She has felt weak and tired so has not been herself. I have asked where I can help and have cooked, cleaned and generally been in charge around the house. I was worried a couple of times that she was pulling away from me instead of just being under the weather, she told me that, “it is not always about (me)”. I try to keep that in mind but the last few months have been a roller coaster for us and I guess I am waiting for her to change her mind and decide that being with me is not worth the effort. That still scares me. I turned these feelings over. I prayed. I felt better.

I find myself (skipping ahead) and when I feel like she is avoiding me or pulling away for whatever reason I remind myself that 'love believes the best'. I also try and remind myself that Laura has been 100% honest with me all along. She has never lied, even to spare my feelings, she told me when she was leaving, she told me that the love was gone. If there is a problem I believe she will tell me. I have to keep working and (thanks Jeremy) remind myself over and over that this is a marathon and not a sprint. When she said 'yes' to trying again I dream of things being great overnight, I tell myself that it has only been 5 days, and hopefully in 30 days we are better, in 60 days better still. I am waiting for her to put on her ring again, to tell me she loves me, really telling me (after a kiss, a hug or a conversation, I laugh with her and tell her I will know for sure when she changes her Facebook status back to 'married', isn't that how we all know now days?

With my fluctuation in feelings and emotions I tried to keep the faith. I prayed, but I am making a new commitment to church and will be attending more often, with my children and hopefully down the road with Laura as well.

I am gone tomorrow (New Years Eve) and then off hunting this weekend. Laura will be staying home with the younger boys and new puppies. I won't see her for a couple of days. That sucks for me, especially as things have been better around here. Such is life. I am so glad to see the back end of 2010, the year I almost got divorced from the love of my life and best friend. I am thankful that God led me through the turmoil and gave me 'just what I could handle'. I know there is not much difference between Dec 31^st and Jan 1^st but it feels different. I feel like 2011 is my year to shine. I will keep on with how I have been. I have not checked, or even thought of checking, Laura's phone or computer or private stuff in a while. I have not been jealous, some insecurity with reading her feelings and emotions but I feel like I have handled it well.

Onward.

Day 5 - If I ask she will think I haven't been paying attention........and I have.

2010-12-29T04:32:04Z

12-28-2010 - Day 5 - Love is not rude

I decided against asking her what 3 things she considered most important for me to work on, or my issues. She has been totally honest throughout the relationship with me, my issues, she just doesn't hold back. At least I know where I stand.

My issues, as I have been told, are Jealousy, Insecurity, “checking in” constantly (how is the relationship going etc, Controlling behavior, her freedom (I guess that is the same as before), and trust.

I have been working on all of these. Prayer, counseling and friends. I think I am making great strides. I must be doing something right for her to decide that I am worth another shot. She is not the kind of person that would stay married just for the security (financial or emotional), she has made it perfectly clear that if she doesn't think love or trust will return then she will leave. She has told me that if she can't love me then she doesn't think it would be fair to me to stay married. So she gave me the 'chance', she says she has watched me become self aware, changing the behavior that led to our major issues.

I am feeling more comfortable with her. I have not called her when I am at work, even when I called just to see how her day was, and to hear her voice, she took it as I was checking up on her, if she was home, what she was doing. I now let her call me if she needs anything, see yesterday's post on that for more.

I have many things to continue working on but mostly I want to live life as God wants me to, to give Laura a safe, secure relationship that she wants to be in. A home full of love for her. A relationship where she feels like she can love and trust me back. Where she never feels like I will betray her trust and hurt her (emotionally) again. I have been broken all the way down and now am climbing back up. I feel better than I have in months, emotionally and physically.

I have said, to Laura, that I feel like a school kid experiencing first love. She touches my hand, kisses me, hugs me and I feel awesome. She stopped by the station today to show me new puppies and as she was leaving she said “love you”, she hasn't told me that in many, many months. I hope it wasn't a slip. I don't think it was, I think she really does see the change and she can fall in love with me again.

I have my list, of more than 3 things, and I move on, continuing to work on them day-by-day.

Keep praying.