Day 3 – getting worse, outlook
We are out of town
for my daughter’s black belt promotion test. I came home in a good
mood, decided to be agreeable to everything and that last about an
hour. I took the dog to the kennel at her request and returned. She
answered every question I had, even offers to help, with spit and
venom. I broke and asked her what was wrong, she answered that she
was hurt and had been, jackass!, I guess I deserved that, and so
started our relationship talk for the day, I apologized, she told me
that it would take time, I agreed and then ended the conversation. I
didn't intend for us to talk about that, I came home in a good mood,
intending to spend a good, stress-free weekend with the family, but
that didn't happen.
We hardly said a
word on the ride up. It was hell. We checked in, found our room and
started talking. We agreed to put the day-to-day life behind us, she
kissed me and we made love. It was awesome.
After wards we got
dressed and took the kids to the water park. She reminded me that it
was just sex and not to read anything into it. I told her that I
wasn't going to give up, and that I had changed, and that God had
changed me and I would wait as long as it takes. Hmmmm was the
Later in the
evening we ate dinner and she wandered off to 'walk' by herself. I
asked when she would be back and she just told me 'I don't know'. I
guess I dealt with it OK. I stayed in the hotel room with the kids.
She hates me, she
told me this morning, she asked me if I would be friends with me if I
had done this to me, I guess 'no' would be the answer, I don't
deserve the extra chance to get things right with my wife. Maybe God
is guiding me to be single again. Maybe God is making her so brash,
so spiteful, so hurtful that I won't care if she leaves. Maybe that
is what I am being prepared for.
I guess day 3
didn't happen – I tried to think of something she wanted, would
like and realized that she doesn't want or need anything from me.
I am on the verge
of giving up and letting her go. I will love her forever, there will
be no other, but she obviously hates me and has given up on me so
maybe this is the end. We'll see how the rest of the weekend goes.
I have been there as on "on the verge of giving up but I realized in God's vocaulary that give up is not part of life. Just go on and have faith and patient. You have devil and angel on your shoulder. I have been struggle with that two on my shoulders lately but i am able to overcome because I realize that I will not let devil win the battle. Ask Christ to give you strength to go on. send postive thoughts to your way.
As Christ molds you, things will get tougher. There will be conviction in her that shows Christ is working in her. And the bad part about that is you are the only target of that confusion. However, there is a blessing. The more she attacks you or hates you the closer she is to realizing that it is not fake, the more she will understand the love God has blessed you both with. Know that Christ is carrying you through. Stay strong and continue your journey in Christ.
Mike, all the words are dripping off her like a duck's back. When you think of telling her you've changed, pause and ask the Lord to show the change through you at that moment - not words, but actions...body language, tone, disposition. These are the changes that will move her toward wanting what you have. To hear your words right now, is like I Cor 13 calls "clanging cymbals" with only a negative affect. Change suggest doing things differently than you have in the past - change the dance, change the sense about you that she doesn't get to control you anymore, as you yield ONLY to God's control for the life of Christ to be manifest through who you are, not just what you say. Make sense?
God is working! He wants you to trust Him, not what you see. This is the constant battle...seeing vs. trusting. God is doing exceedingly, abundantly above and beyond what you can think or ask...watch Him!
It helps me to remember Peter walking on the water - the storm continued, but he walked ON it, not in it, by looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of faith.