Collaborate without boundaries

Day 10 round 6....things ar crazy again

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Well today is day 10 and last night after I made my second post things got worse. I put our daughter to bed and then went into the bedroom to go to sleep and he literally said to me get out of the room you cant sleep in here if you do when we get the truck I am going to go sleep somewhere else. I started to cry I'm so frustrated with him. I said to him why are u still like this, its just a bed, I dont understand. He said to me stop it I'm not going to talk about it. I asked him again do you love me or not and he took awhile to answer me and finally said I cant answer that. Then I asked him again do you not want to be married, he didnt answer, then I asked him if he has a girlfriend and he said real sarcastic like, yeah I have a girlfriend when do I have time for that I am always here. I said well do you want one would that make you happier and he said Michelle leave me alone, you dont listen just leave me alone I dont want to talk.  I left the room and we havent spoken since. I was so upset with him, its the same thing over and over and over nothing changes with him.  I know that I am supposed to praise God and be thankful for him being home and for us still being married, its just hard sometimes to keep my focus on that when he acts like a donkey. I admire everyone on this site that is able to focus only on God, and praise him. I seem to be failing at it again. I was doing well for awhile and now frustration has set in again. I was talking to my sister in law and she told me that I need to remeber that my husband is not my God and that the way I feel when I am longing for my husband and feeling the rejection that is the what God feels when I put my husband before him.  I know this but it is like something in my head just keeps misfiring and I cant get it rite. I wish that I could not have any feelings about my marriage and husband, I really do.  

Today I am supposed to do something for him so I ordered his favorite dinner. If he chooses to eat it great, if not I completed my dare. I can only do so much.  I will continue my dares and reading the bible and trying to put all focus on God, it seems so hard rite now for some reason. I guess the enemy is winning. 

 

  • Let go of the expectations of things changing right now.  And be patient not just with your husband, but also with Christ's timing.

    If you are calmer now when you read this, did you really think he would answer those questions sincerely, such as does he love you, etc?   You're looking for comfort and affirmation from him.  You will be hurt in that.

    The more you do get in his space asking these questions the longer this will take.  Think of it as every day I get in his space from now on adds another month to this trial.  There is no ratio like this that i would no of, but you get the point.

    We all go to God like you do.  I don't know if anyone doesn't struggle now and then.  Don't compare your actions with others.  You are better at things in this trial than others and vice versa.  Plus, look at the group you are in.  You made it to the cream of the crop as far as how the world would stand for a marriage.  And thank God for that.

  • Yes you are so much stronger than you think! I admire the strength and grace you so often show...we all have days of doubt, weakness, self-pity...at least I do lol.

  • Michelle, I have been in a struggle since Saturday....battle back and forth in my mind about do I really want to love him unconditionally...do I really want to just keep hanging on to a man, because I say I still love him, he thinks I am mentally unstable.  Thing is today, I decided, I don't want the battle anymore.  I am tired.  He has made it perfectly clear he wants no contact with me whatsoever so any of the dares are impossible at this time.  I am not even sure I am going to pray anymore about my marriage.  I have told God what I want, numerous times, even sobbing it out to Him a time or 2, but I think I've prayed enough.  Now I will simply focus on God and leave my husband and his life where it needs to be.  I am going to go out with friends...I am going to laugh and cry with them....I am going to get further involved in my church and reach out to make new friends.  I am not going to stay cooped up in this apartment making myself depressed.  The way I feel now is I am no longer going to concern myself with whether our marriage will be put back together or not...I have wasted enough time grieving and hurting...it's time I started living my life.  I am still married, in the eyes of God and in my own heart, but I am not dead and I refuse to keep living like I am.  I think now I am just angry at the enemy for pounding my mind for so long with recrimination, regret and discouragement.  I'm done.  God can have my marriage, my husband....He can do what He wants with both.  My heart will always be open should God bring my husband back to me, but I am done living as if my life is over.  God has given me this life and I am not wasting another day grieving for a man who doesn't want me.  I still love my husband, that won't change because I will choose to love him and I will choose every day to stay faithful to the vows I made to him 14 years ago...but I am not going to let that love destroy me.  Don't beat yourself up because you are having a tough time focusing on God.  My brain has felt near to exploding trying to keep my focus, thus my attitude to simply give up to God.   He has finally brought me to the end of Linda and there is a relief I haven't felt in a long time.

  • I will continue to pray for everyone here, though!!  There is a comfort for me in praying for others and not focusing on myself anymore.  

  • Michelle your husband is acting like mine.  He is emotionally abusive.  Let go and focus on God.  You have been doing the dares faithfully for I think more than 6 months.  You need to take care of you.  Be kind to you and develop your relationship with The Lord with other spirtual books besides LD.  Still practice dare 1 and 2, but for your own sanity, LD may be making hard  for you to do that.  Prayers to you.

  • I can't recall who said this, but how it really rings true...there is a difference between trying to get your husband back and standing for your marriage.  The letting go you feel and describe is standing for your marriage and letting him go to God.  I think once you've done the dares a while and God reveals things to you on your journey this becomes easier to understand...but you have to go through the other difficult lessons to get to this one.  At least I do...guess I just like to do things the hard way lol.

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