Today I am starting the dare over again, it helps me focus on my journey and gives me something to look forward to everyday. Rite now there is really not much to look forward to anymore. I am in such a frustrated mood today. Our truck is stil getting fixed we have been without a vehicle for a week now, he has been taking me to work on the motorcycle and our neighbor has been bringing the kids to school. My husband barely speaks to me and I know him having to take me to work on the bike is killing him. Our savings has been emptied literally because of the overdrafts from the insurance messup, this week has been absolutely horrible. I am trying to find the good in everything but it is really hard when we are literally eating ceral and sandwhiches everyday due to lack of money. I know things could be much worse but I feel like a failure as a parent and a wife because I have not been able to prevent all the crazy stuff that has been happening in the last 8 months. It seems like when we had out huge fight after he went to bike week and he took of his ring and we started sleeping in seperate rooms and he started to not come home it was like a string of bad luck with vehicles and money has started and we have not been able to recover. I wish that he would do more to help as a parent and a husband but he is stuck in selfish mode rite now. For instnace today he woke up early and snuck out of the house with his motorcycle vest but not on the bike and I know he had plans to go to a game an hour away which we cannot afford at all. I texted him a little while ago and asked him if he was going to be home at all today he responded no. This is so frustrating and hurtful especially since I am the one working all the extra hours trying to fix everything and he is out having fun, I wish he would stay home and help watch the kids because my parents are watching them all the time and my dad is having to bring me to work and pick me up and this is causing frusttration with them now of course because they expect him to be here to. I prayed today and told God that I give up on everything, trying to make things work, trying to keep everything a float so to speak, I am mentally and physically tired and dont know how much more I can take. I'm trying to just focus on me and the kids and nothing else, but its hard when I have a husband that does things like this which really makes me feel like he does not care about his family and wife at all. I know I have to take the focus off him, but when you have spent the last 8 years together not being like this it is so hard to understand where this person has come from. I have found myself getting more irritable with the kids and lashing out, not physically but verbally I notice the frustration in my tone with them and I get upset quickly about things. I wish things were not like this anymore. I am trying to do the dare again because I need the focus of the daily dares. I need the focus to get my mind of the fact that we sleep in seperate rooms like roommates, we barely speak, there is not affection from him, no kind words, no thank you for anything...nothing. So I need the dares to keep me focused on what is right in Gods eyes and to keep me focused on my journey with God. I feel very lost not like my usual self, not optomisitc about anything in life, like I'm just doing enough to get by. That is a horrible and scary feeling. I feel like in a way I have lost who I was before I started the dares. I used to be more emotional and care more about things now I dont. Its hard to explain. Today I am going to dare to not say anything negative to my husband although he probably needs to hear something not nice from me, but I will refrain and focus on not saying anything negative and will pray and focus on what is in fromt of me which is our kids and the things I need to take care of day to day because he sure is not focused on any of it, its all about him and having fun with people that when it comes down to it will never be here for him the way I have been and am. Sorry for the negative post today, I just feel so much frustration and hurt.
Never worry about your posts.
Let go of all expectations of your husband. If he helps, that's great, but you have to have no expectations. the expectations are what bring you down, because he isn't ready to meet your expectations, then you feel the frustration of having unmet expectations.
It is good you are focusing on the dares each day. But are you reading at all in the bible? If not, start. Try to read a chapter, or even less to start. Then take a verse or two out of the chapter that make an impression on you and focus for the day on that, as well as the dare. I think often you will find the dare and the bible reading will coincide.
the verses that stick out to you that day, share them with your kids and let them know what those words mean to you. When you teach, it is like another lesson of learning for you also.