Collaborate without boundaries

Day 6

  • Comments 8

This is my first journal entry and I am at a really low point. My husband is finally getting the sleep he has needed from the past week  after he found out about my emotional affair. I still feel like my "reason" for it is pathetic and I know there was no excuse for it. I have been feeling like it was due to getting attention from a guy that was asking all the questions my husband wasn't asking. The simple things like how was breakfast, did you sleep well, etc. I don't know why I didn't just ask my husband for the attention I needed. Now he is listening to people who are saying this was going on for months and that there was a sexual part to this affair when there wasn't any. It lasted a few weeks and I honestly can't even say when it started because that's not what it started as to me. I don't know when it crossed the line over the past month but it definitely did. We have made it through the first 5 days with yesterday being the worst. As of last Saturday, he wanted to work things out, but when he got home Sunday afternoon, he was completely disgusted with me again and has built up every wall around himself while tearing me down from the inside out. I am trying everything to earn his love again but it is only met with resistance and hostility. At this point, I don't even know where to start with today's dare. I have already cut out all distractions so are those the things that I put down to cut out and make room for working on us? I am so lost, confused, and hurting because I never wanted to hurt him. That's not me. I'm not the person that does this sort of thing but had a point of weakness and let my guard down. As a result, I have singlehandedly destroyed the one I love. I don't want to shift the blame because this was nobody's fault but my own, however, he keeps comparing me to a college ex-girlfriend that was having sex with multiple people for months so he thinks that I am doing the exact same thing. I wish I didn't have to be punished for her wrongdoings as well as my own. I deserve to not have him trust me right now and I know that he is hurting and broken but the only thing I want to do is help rebuild him and rebuild us. Is there a chance we are going to be able to do this?

  • It depends on both of you. Get into a Christian marriage therapist ASAP. Also grab the book His Needs Her Needs by Willard Harley. I think there is a section in there about affairs. It suggests complete elimination of the person the affair was with- even moving out of the area of necessary. Your marriage is more important than anything at this point, under God. It also suggests that you, being the offender (don't know how else to say that) need to show your husband you are trustworthy. You have to start rebuilding his trust. Make a daily schedule of what you will be doing and give it to your husband and check in with him frequently. Let him look at your location on your phone. You HAVE to rebuild that lost trust.

  • That's good you realize you made the mistake and no one else is to blame.  Now, have you asked Jesus to forgive you?  Have you accepted His complete forgiveness?  

    This will be a journey between you and Christ.  Not you and your husband.  He will be used as a tool to mold you.  do a dare a day, no more, no less.  Do not have expectations of him when you do the dares.  In fact, expect it to get worse, before it gets better.  But do not worry about it when it happens.  It will serve purpose.  Do not read ahead n the book other than the appendix. Do not change the dares to make them easier.

  • That's good you realize you made the mistake and no one else is to blame.  Now, have you asked Jesus to forgive you?  Have you accepted His complete forgiveness?  

    This will be a journey between you and Christ.  Not you and your husband.  He will be used as a tool to mold you.  do a dare a day, no more, no less.  Do not have expectations of him when you do the dares.  In fact, expect it to get worse, before it gets better.  But do not worry about it when it happens.  It will serve purpose.  Do not read ahead n the book other than the appendix. Do not change the dares to make them easier.

  • I think you said something about trying to fix this, him or the marriage.  Don't try.  You will just get in his space that he needs.  What you do is a dare a day leaving the fixing to God.  Who better to fix it?  

    He will be up and down like a roller coaster as you have already noticed. Because he is following emotion where you need to lead your heart, not let your emotions lead you.

    he will strike verbally at you.  Do as Jesus did and let the words hit. And then turn to Christ for His peace.  When you put God above your husband, but not loving him less, the peace will come.  

  • YEs there is a chance.  People in much worse circumstances have reconciled their marriage.  But it's on you.  Are you willing to do what it takes and not let the hurt get to you?  If so, you will need God's strength. Because you are not strong enough.  Rely on God more than you think is possible.  

  • Few things here. First. It is great you are taking full responsibility. Now, through this journey realize God chose you for a reason. Not that He chose you to have an emotional affair, but I am certain that at some point you called Christ into your life, and then you continued to do things your way, or as the world has taught you. Now, Christ is waiting for you. He has placed this book in your hands, and for a reason. Not to save your marriage, but to Save you. To give you what that emotional affair you hoped would have given you.  There is only 1 place to get what you seek. Its not the other guy, heck, its not even your husband.

    Now I love the things that Eddie has pointed out. But.... I dont know if I would offer the things he stated voluntarily. And here is why. If you do, at this early time it will not be enough. Your husband has zero trust. So, other than being by his side 24x7 nothing will give him the comfort. All the things you offered will then be thought as you having a new way to fulfill your affair.

    Now, one other thing to point out. Don't use the term EMOTIONAL AFFAIR. If you truly want accountability (FOR YOURSELF) then understand what your infraction was, is just the same as a full blown affair. I know many will not agree. But It is clearly in the Bible that even thinking of your neighbor in that context is equal to the actual physical act. So, hopefully that really hits you hard. Now, take that for what it is, AND MAKE IT RIGHT WITH CHRIST FIRST....

    Now, Tim mentioned the appendix. But I dont recall if he expand upon it. So, GO READ THE APPENDIX. Especially the one on following your heart. YOU NEED TO READ THAT.

    This is YOUR journey. This is what will make you that person your husband can trust again. In fact, if you accept Christ and this journey, one day your husband will Praise God for the whole situation, because it is this that will allow you to love as Christ loves, and not what the world has taught you.

  • Good catch Sean, I thought nope, didn't miss that.  But sure enough did.

  • These guys are on point. You like your husband are in desperate need of God's grace, Go to God in prayer and repent of the sin in your life and surrender your self and all hope to God, learn to wait on Him. Listen

    to his words  and pray about it commit to to obey God's commands.

    Welcom! I'm glad you found the Journal, this is a great community, keep it up. We are praying for you.

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