Today is day 28 round 2 for me. Today I went back and re read my journal entry from last time and I realized that I am doing the same sacrifice as I did last time. I know that rite now my husband needs space from me more than anything. This is one of the hardest things for me to do because I have always been in the mindset that if I am not talking to him or doing things for him than he is not going to think about me. It has taken me awhile to realize that this is not necessarily the case, that the whole out of site out of mind thing is not neccessarily true. It has taken me two rounds of dares to really get it in my head that this is not about me and him anymore it is about me and God and him and God. I have my issues daily that I struggle with and sometimes I have fallen of course, but I know that over the course of these dares I have grown stronger and closer to God than I have ever been. There was obviosusly a reason why I was chosen to take this walk first and I see that I still have a long way to go. I often think of the things that are wrong rather than focus on the things that are good and that is something that I work on daily to change,.
I still find myself trying to do little things here and there to almost try to push my husband along and still exercise some control in our marriage. Today I am chosing to stop this, because I realize that the one thing he needs and has even asked me for is space. I still try to set up little things for us to do to spend time together, I find reasons to talk to him, I worry about sleeping in the same bed, all these things are things that I am doing to try to control the situation still instead of letting God control it. I have to realize that only God can help us make the changes in our lives that our needed, I cant make him change and I cant change the situation. I still focus on every little detail of the day, every little thing he does or doesnt do instead of focusing on the fact that I have come a long way, I am closer to God, I am learning everyday how to love unconditonally like God loves us. I am not always rite in the things that I do, but I do try to make sure that I focus on my journey not my husbands. I still find myself worried about the outcome of all this and I need to stop that. I am going to stop as of today and give him the space he needs and stop worrying that space is going to equal us not being together, maybe if I give him what he wants I will realize that I can be ok, I dont need him for comfort or joy in my life and it will help me focus more on God and find comfort and joy in him. I say that I do that, but yet I still get upset when my husband ignores me or acts like a donkey, if I were really focusing on Christ like I should I would not feel this hurt and emptiness like I do. I am going to do my best to focus on Christ an give my husband his space and continue to pray that God works in us both. I have to realize that this situation is bigger than me and only God can control it. I have to give up all control, which has always been so hard for me, but in order to have peace in my life I have to do this....
Praise God for allowing you to see the need of your husband for space. I too have struggled in giving my hubs the space. For me, the way to show love is to shower him with gifts, attentions, etc. giving him space scares for it may cause us to drift further apart. The dares allowed me to show my love to him without crowding him. :)
Continue your walk and allow God to fill your love tank with His overflowing love so that your husband's reactions towards your "acts" will no longer disturb your peace.
I will continue to pray for you.. :)
When you feel hurt becuase he isn't paying attention to you or he's acting like a donkey, feel sorry for him, remind yourself you have forgiven him, and pray for him to find peace in Christ. Somehow when we feel sorry for someone, we don't put the hurt they inflict at such a high level and we can look at Christ for the comfort we desire instead of our spouse.
I just got home from a job interview and I feel a little down because I texted him telling him I got the job, I know I shouldnt have now after the fact because he is acting like he doesnt care. It is not in the medical field it is at a restaurant, but for rite now I will take it until I can fet another job in my field, I would rather be working and help to contribute to taking care of us than sitting on my butt while he works like a dog. He never responded to my text. When I got home he was already in the bedroom with the door closed. I went in and he just looked at me like what do you need, I said to him did you get my text, he said yeah and....This was hurtful ?i thought he would at least be a little happy that I have found a job 5 days after losing mine....maybe not I dont know anymore with him, he is so moody and mean all the time, nothing is good enough ever.
It's not that nothing is good enough for him... It's human nature to go with the flow of emotion. Your husband is caught up in a lifestyle that is not giving him what he is seeking. In fact, nothing he seeks will give him satisfaction. Just like you, as long s you continue to not focus on Christ and this journey and take back control, you too will not have the voids filled that you seek to fill. So your new commitment is the right choice.
God will bless the desires of your heart. He truly will. But be prepared because the desires of your heart may not be what you think they are.
I always thought mine was my wife and reconciliation. But what I come to learn is joy... The joy that is spoken about in the bible. Although we did reconcile back then, the true desire of my heart was resting in Christ and joy from the Holy Spirit. Which I had prior to the reconciliation.