Last night I could barely sleep, I had so much on my mind. My husband did not come home until 1 am again, which is becoming his normal routine, but he has not been taking his little motorcycle bag like he was,so I guess that is the positive in the situation. However, my mind does still wander to what is he doing, where is he at who is he with.
I find myself turning to prayer more, but last night for some reason I really missed him and was just crying, crying while reading my bible, crying while writting in my journal, just crying while laying in bed trying to go to sleep. I try to hide this from him now as well, because when he sees me crying then he acts out more.
I prayed a lot yesterday thanking God for all the good that is still in my life and I thanked God for not giving up on me, because I have not been perfect, especially thru this journey, I am finding myself changing, however I still have emotional moments. One thing I am afraid of and I have admitted this to God is that if I get to a point where the way my husband and I are now to where I just"dont care" anymore I'mm afraid that things will never change. I want to keep doing the things for him that I always have like kiss him on cheek while he is asleep before I go to work, have his dinner ready every night and put in refrigerator if he is not home, have his work clothes ironed, and I'm afraid that if I stop doing these things he will think that I dont care and will really find someone else if that has not already happened.
I do feel a little sense of peace by staying off facebook, I would be able to tell when my husband would last log on and if it were hours I would wonder what he was doing. This has been a real area that I needed to fast from and I feel like it has helped me a little with sanity.
Today I am going to do my Dare the best I can. I am wanting so much to just trust in God and I do, but I am still having sucha hard time with my emotions. I dont feel in my heart like things are as bad as they seem, but I know that there is a lot that needs to be fixed and only God has the power to do that and it has to start with me. God knows my heart and he knows my desires and I have to allow him to do his work. I guess I'm still just afraid of the unknown of it all, but I will diligently continue my prayer and continue to grow closer to God.
When you get those emotions,start to cry etc... Go to prayer. Cry out to God to rescue you. He has a promise for you, read psalm, 50:15.
Don't worry about the future, you have more concerns right now in the present. Focus on your journey in the dares, knowing its you journey that Christ is molding you. Each dare each day is a new one for Gods purpose with you.
Always admit to God, don't fear about it, He already knows....
Presistent prayer is key!
If you get to the point you don't feel like doing favors for him. Lead your heart and choose to do them. Always showing kindness. But be cautious over doing things. more than your currently doing. Hence the reason you'll hear do a dare a day. No more or less.
It seems like everytime I start to feel myself making some progress, I get negativity from all directions, Today my sister in law decided to text me asking me where do I think my husband is going at night when he doesnt come home until 2 or 3, she said he must have someone or someone's on the side that he is going to, then she asked me how long do I plan to put up with his behavior and him treating me like this. I responded to her by saying I dont know only God knows the plan for my life rite now. Then my best friend who btw is a Christian decides that since she is not having a good day with her boyfriend decides to ask me how long do I REALISTICALLY plan on giving my husband to straighten up and come around. I have prayed it seems like 100 times today. Then I got home a little earlier than usual from work and my husband showed up at the house earlier than he usually does to and he comes walking in the house and glares at me like I am again a piece of furniture. I did start a small conversation with him about the day our daughte is to start preschool and his only responses were nods, he didnt utter a word. Its hard to complete the dare where you are suppsed to greet your spouse in a loving manner when they respond like this, it hurts your feelings. I REALISTICALLY am willing to wait as long as I need to for my husband if that is what Gods plan is. I hate that people have to try to push and question me about this. It makes me want to shut myself off from the world because I dont want to hear negative about him an our marriage. I am completing this dare for me,and I feel like God is doing his work in me and hopefully he is doing his work in my husband as well. I just hope I'm not being a fool and trying to hold onto a man that is never gonna speak to me again or even want to be my husband anymore, but I cant help but feel like if that was Gods plan he would have been long gone. I feel like there is hope. I hope I'm not being a fool.
People are stuck in the world's ways, not Christ's ways. Be a testimony to these people. Many may not listen, but be Christ for them.
You are not a fool for doing this. That is also the world's way of thinking. I know I get caught up in that thinking now and then also. But then we need to look at Christ's will for our lives.
Even in the glares, the angry looks, the barely a nod to responding......you can still greet the best you can. You are wanting a positive reaction, have no expectations for now.
Yes when you make progress other things will come. The devil at work. Seek out for Christ to have His hedge of protection over you in this journey. To bind the devil and his influences away from you to be freely molded by Christ.
As for others. You cannot in anyway be influenced by them. Don't get me wrong listen to advice, but never act on it without prayer and guidance in Christ.
Where would you be right now if these people were talking with Christ, and He did not hold His promises true to you? He loves us unconditionally, even with all the sin and horrible things we have done, He loved us unconditionally and saved us from ourselves, washed our sins away. And trust me, we are worse to Him than our spouses could ever be to us.
Stand in Gods glory when these people ask you. And let them know that Gods will is what will prevail in your life.
And trust me. They are speaking of the flesh and the world. You are being the first real testimony they are seeing. And at the end of this, I assure you Gods glory will prevail.