maynard's journal

my impossible is god's possible

2010-05-28T19:10:25Z

day 19, and we've had a set back. yesterday, i messed up by reading my wife's emails, and she caught me. we were doing so good too, and really felt as though we were making progress. i realized that i've been doing this incorrectly. i've been focused on my wife the entire time, allowing god to move here and there on me...but more focused on whether or not god is changing my wife. wrong motive. after reading some advice on here, and from friends and family, i realize that i have to completely relinquish all hopes and fears to jesus and allow him to completely, 100% transform me into the person he wants me to be, and to not worry whether or not my wife is changing. this is the difficult part. for 10 years, i've taken the reins and have fixed the "problems", and this time...i can't, but now...i won't. i have submitted myself to the will of god, and asked that god bless me with discernment in recognizing attacks. this happened a couple of hours after praying this prayer.

since our setback yesterday, my wife feels that she can't trust me, again. we have signed the separation papers. her mom and dad want alone time with our 4 kids by having them spend friday nights with them, which means i can't stay there (this is my current living quarters). this also means that my only other option will be to go back home. in the state of NC, we have to be legally separated for one year before we can sign divorce papers...i'm really liking this law. but if i'm staying at my house, the separation becomes null and void. her lawyer is verifying that. if yesterday's setback never happened, this might not even be an issue, but it did, and it is. here comes the discernment. my wife called to tell me that her lawyer is checking on this and will let me know. i asked her if her mom and dad would be ok with me staying with them while they're watching the kids...she said she didn't know. i only have 2 choices to sleep...my house (i'm paying the mortgage too by the way) or her parents. if i can't stay with her mom and dad, i will stay home, i would have no other choice. this will have to either force her to stay at her mom and dad's, or trust me not to blow the proverbial whistle when it comes time to sign divorce papers in a year. i resorted back to my first dare, and was slow to speak while she let her anger take control. i was very calm in my delivery, thanks to the holy spirit for this! i told her that i wouldn't hurt her, but my words don't have much bearing to her right now (especially after yesterday's slip up). she mentioned that she is going out tonight and won't be back until late...so for her to stay at her parents shouldn't be an issue. the last conversation i had with her about her going out tonight, she said that her plans were cancelled. i asked her if she had other plans instead, and this threw her into a tailspin because she feels that i don't "trust her", and she thinks that i'm wondering if she's going out with another man. i told her i was sorry for making her feel that way, but explained why i asked due to her plans changing...that was all. her response to me was, "i don't answer to you anymore, and it's none of my d**n business". i calmly told her that i understood.

she tells me that she meditate's on god's love for her while sitting on our front porch listening to birds chirp. but she also tells me she is finding inner peace through some of the teachings of buddha. my insides are crawling while she tells me this, but i listen. i will not criticize this any longer. earlier i mentioned that i asked god for discernment. i believe this was an attack to prepare me for more attacks, and to see how i would react on whether or not i have truly "let go and let god" so to speak. i have let go, and i am letting god do his work in me, and i am praising god for all of this. i can't fix anything in my wife, i can't really fix anything in me unless i completely submit myself to christ. i am so glad i have. i am truly trusting in him that he will protect not only me, but her as well, at the same time. the unknown is tough. my wife is a very cynical person when it comes to christianity because most "christians" (including myself) have let her down so many times and have proven to be hypocritical in her eyes.

god is in control. god speaks to me a lot of times with songs. i can't get the song, "while i'm waiting" by john waller out of my head. i find myself waking up in the middle of the night singing it. for the past 2 weeks (since starting the love dare) i have been waking up several times in the middle of the night praising god for all of this. i truly believe that god is changing me.

i am seeing god move!!!

2010-05-25T17:53:36Z

sorry, i haven't written in a while. i was on vacation last week so i was away from my computer...not necessarily a bad thing. i have noticed things happening that can only be from god. for instance, when i needed to burn my negative list of my wife, god provided a fire that my father in law decided to build, the day i needed a fire. my wife spent a week in nyc alone last week that we originally were going to spend together. in lieu of our recent separation (which is now legal), she wanted to go by herself instead...i told her i understood, and support her and i will even drive her to the airport and pick her up. she was floored that i offered this. the day i had to take her to the airport, she decided that she wanted to "look at her wedding ring again". she was angry with me about 2 weeks prior and placed it in her jewelry box and hasn't worn it since. only when she opened her jewelry box, the ring was gone. she panicked, and frankly, so did i. we assumed that our 3 year old son had gotten into it and took it, because that's what 3 year old boys do...and he has done this before. it could be anywhere...down the vents, in toy boxes, down the drain...flushed down the toilet...anywhere. i told her that if she wanted to look at a wedding ring, she could look at mine, and i showed her my hand...she gave me a sweet grin. i told her that we're too pressed for time, and that i would search the house when i come back from dropping her off at the airport. the entire ride, she kept apologizing to me that it was gone, i told her not to worry about it...and i meant it. when i came home, i prayed that it would turn up...i tore my house upside down. i pulled all sorts of crap out of every vent in my house...to no avail. our kids spent the night with her mom and dad, so when i picked them up, i told them her ring was missing and that i needed their help in finding it. all 3 girls began to cry that it was gone. i lead my son to the jewelry box and asked him if he took the ring. he said, "no". about 3 hours later, my wife called to tell me she was safe and in her hotel in nyc. and as she began to unpack her make up bag, she noticed her wedding ring was inside her make up bag and asked if i had put it there. i have been living at her mom and dad's house, so i wasn't home to do anything like that. i asked the kids...and they denied it as well. she has been baffled that it showed up, even to this day. i believe that god did this.

i was supposed to "forget to do a chore so that we could do one together" on sunday. unfortunately, we had a huge argument that ended with me hanging up on her twice because i didn't want to say anything that i would later regret...i even told her that as i was hanging up. i thought to myself, "well, i'm going to have to postpone this dare for another day". god had other plans. i called her back to apologize for my tone, and if i had said anything hurtful to her. the conversation was much more pleasurable. she asked me to come home and help put the kids to bed. i thought this may be the dare coming to pass after all. i was mistaken. when i arrived, we talked to the kids about our separation, and explained to them that we still love them, and that would never change. they have been asking a lot of questions, so we decided to hold a family meeting to let everyone air out their grievances. my 2nd daughter started to complain that her head was itching, so my wife looked and to her shock, she discovered that my daughter was infested with head lice. she immediately ran to the store to get the proper shampoo and we had to scrub everyone's hair, and do the normal routine for treating this. after 2 hours and no end in sight of this chore, it didn't dawn on me that i'm completing my dare until i was washing my daughter's hair. it was as clear as a bell..."you're getting your dare in aren't you?". i laughed uncontrollably and began to praise god for allowing this. the good news, only one daughter was infected...and nothing or nobody else had it. as we finally put the kids to bed (3 hours or so later), i started to leave. my wife and i talked a bit...and then i reached out to hug her, and we hugged for what seemed like forever. i felt the connection, and i know she did too. she kept saying that she just wants to "be friends". i told her i respect her decision.

yesterday, i had to show her honor and respect. only i wasn't able to see her hardly at all because i now have to work 2 jobs. one to support the house payment to keep my wife and kids there, and the other (new) job to support me as i find a room to rent until my wife finishes school...no end in sight there. one of her girlfriends made the comment of how noble it was of me to work 2 jobs and live apart from my family while my wife finishes school. my wife felt that she needed to thank me for this. it allowed the opportunity to explain why. on a side note, every time my phone rings and it's my wife, i pray that god goes before me in battle and prepares the way. i did this when we spoke last night. i told her that out of all the relationships i have in my life with all the people i associate with...hers is the one i value and respect and sacrafice the most for, and i meant it. my wife was speechless, and when she did speak, it was very sombering. she thanked me and we both wished each other a good night.

today, my dare is to pray for my spouse. i am praying for a breakthrough in my marriage, and i believe it's coming on god's watch. when we signed the separation papers last week, she felt that that was the beginning stages of her trusting me again. i told her that i would sign 100 of them if it meant she would trust me. i had to put my money where my mouth is today. she turned in the papers to her lawyer yesterday (again, she was out of town for a week). her lawyer called her back today to inform her that the papers have been processed, and turned into the court and have been given a case number. unfortuantely, the papers we signed were in an email form that had email addresses on the header. still a binding contract, her lawyer wanted to know if i would be willing to sign them again. my wife started to cry as she was being asked this. so as my wife called me to tell me, i informed her again that i would sign 100 of them if it meant she could trust me, or begin to trust me. so we are taking care of it tomorrow...again. i asked my wife if there was anything i could do for (dare #2)...and with a broken voice she said, "no".

while my wife was in nyc for the week. i spent the entire week putting my house in order. every honey-do list was accomplished and then some. she noticed immediately when she came home. i told her that i don't want her to have to worry about anything while i'm away. she didn't say much...i do know that she is confused. she is searching for answers from everybody / everywhere but god. i noticed she is reading a book by the dalai lama. all i can do is pray that god reveals himself to her. he is doing some crazy things in my life right now to prove that he is in the midst of all of this. i have taken the advice from sean (whom i met on here) and have relinquished my fears. i am totally 100% trusting on god, and not leaning on my own understanding. i have walked on cloud 9 today and i have submitted myself to the sovereign hand of jesus, and have resisted the devil...and he is fleeing! praise god!!!!!

wow, very eye opening...

2010-05-14T14:47:50Z

day 7,

i can't believe how easy it was for me to fly through writing both sets of lists. yeah, let's be honest...even the negative was easy to write. what i found interesting after writing them was how much longer my positive list is compared to the negative, and then i went back to look at what everyone else's journals said, and i can see i'm not alone :)

i had to watch fireproof again last night (alone) for motivation. this time, i noticed that it took him longer than 43 days for his wife to even "come around"...he was persistant. i know it's just a movie, but the dialouge is EXACTLY what i have been living for the past month. i can honestly say that i've made my wife an idol. i've placed her in front of god on so many different levels. god has removed my idol...unfortunately, it just so happens to be my wife. i'm trusting in god though, and i look forward to my alone times with him. it's so refreshing. it's like a cold drink of water on a hot day. i continually pray for my wife, that god would soften her heart toward him.

trusting in him,

jason

toughest...so far

2010-05-13T20:34:58Z

so tough in fact, that i didn't do it the day the dare fell on; i ended up doing this the next day. the timing was important for me on this due to the tension that has been in my house for the past week. my current living situation is, i'm at her parents house in their upstairs "loft"...all to myself. my in laws had guests spending the night last night, which allowed me back into my home...sleeping in my daughter's bed while she slept in bed with my wife. we've taken on the "it's your day with the kids" motto, and the only one suffering from that is the kids. as my wife put it, "it's the new norm". so she left to do some shopping last night while i enjoyed my kids. i want their feedback about how they're feeling...they're scared, confused, upset to say the least. it allowed me the opportunity to explain god's will and how we must pray for that to take place. it ultimately opened much needed dialouge about god, and how to pray. we had a great night! my wife comes home around 10pm, and seems to be in an upbeat mood. walking around a department store for hours can be theraputic for her. by the time she sat down, her cell phone rang and it was one of her girlfriends that she was supposed to meet up with that ended up bailing on her...so she took the call outside. i figured they'd be on the phone for hours, so i went to bed. i was correct.

i got up this morning, made the kids' lunches, breakfasts', had the coffee waiting for my wife, took care of the dogs and had the kitchen spotless. all my wife had to do, was nothing. i wanted it that way. i started having prayer with my daughters before we leave for school. i invited my wife to join us, but she said, "no, you can do that with them"...so we did, and we did out of sight as to not make her feel uncomfortable. after i dropped the kids off at school, i drove my normal 45 minute commute to work. i would normally have spent this time talking to my wife on the phone, but since last week, that has ceased. i did try to call (twice) because i wanted to complete my dare from the day before. i couldn't get a hold of her. my mind instantly went to thinking, "she just doesn't want to talk to me".

about 9:30 this morning i called again, and she answered. she told me that she left her phone on vibrate and ended up going back to bed because she hasn't been sleeping well at night. she just finished her 1st year of school, so her body is on this late night studying kick and she's having trouble breaking that habit, plus the kids and i get up at 6am to start our day. we talked for a bit, and then i asked her what 3 things that i do that irritate her. it caught her off guard. i told her to think about it and call me back, but through the course of talking she quickly gave me 2 of the 3...then finally the 3rd. i had a feeling she would say the things she said. then she asked me "why do i want to know?" i said, "because i don't ever want to make these mistakes with you ever again". and with god's help, i never will. she didn't say anything about it. i went back on a previous dare, and asked if there was anything i could do for her today, and she very somberly said, "no...i'm ok". i can tell something is stirring in her. i have had some great one on one times with god during the past 5 days...yesterday, i was discouraged. today, i am hopeful. and i choose to rejoice.