may2392's journal

Love is Kind

2010-09-02T21:30:07Z

Another easy day for the challenge, atleast I thought so. With Michael not being in the house, it is hard for me to go grocery shopping, but I did it anyway. I thought about the holiday weekend and wanting to have his favorites here when he came. I brought the groceries home and he was here waiting for me. He wanted to go. He was tired and grumpy. I gave him a box of energy bars that I bought for him to eat this week. He really didn't seem to care.

Second time around, this dare was done being resentful. I asked Michael over a week ago to clean the shower. Shower never got cleaned, so I did it. When he called after therapy to ask what I had been doing, I told him that I cleaned the shower. He said thank you but he was supposed to do it. I said, no problem, I took care of it. I was trying to be kind in doing it, but wanted praise for doing it too. So I guess I failed this dare.

Love is Patient

2010-09-02T21:26:22Z

Love is patient. Today's challenge was not difficult. I have been overlooking alot these days when it comes to my husband's behavior. Ever since finding out about his affair, I have working on my negative qualities and not his. Tonight was rough for our family but through the problems, I was able to look at him and see love.

Started the Love Dare over again upon advise of some others on the site. After rereading today's entry and challenge, I realize that I have turned over this marriage to the Lord. I am waiting on Him to tell me or show me what is supposed to happen. I am waiting patiently on the Lord. I held my tongue today with Michael.

I don't think this is going to work

2010-08-24T01:13:08Z

Well I have been finished the Love Dare for one week. Life is not any different or any easier. Michael and I have had devotions together six times. He does not take it seriously at all. Each time he prays it is very generic--having nothing to do with what we just read and/or discussed. Last night during our prayer time I cried and he didn't seem to care. We went as a family to the movies and dinner last night. We saw the movie Eat, Pray, Love and I cried through a lot of the movie. He didn't seem to care. I cried for probably thirty minutes last night and again he didn't seem to care.

I have done a lot of thinking today...I don't want to live without Michael but I just don't see that things are going to get any better. I am wondering if I should go and file for divorce tomorrow. I really need some advice from others, so if you read this, please let me know what you think.

Love Promotes Intimacy

2010-08-17T16:57:26Z

Hard dare for me today since Michael is still involved with the other woman. I gave Michael a copy of the book. I thought about asking him to read today's entry but that would be me being selfish. I am supposed to be working on me and not Michael. I guess for today's dare, all I can do is to continue to pray for Michael and pray that I can not be controlling or selfish.

Love Intercedes

2010-08-17T16:56:51Z

Another easy dare today. I have been praying for Michael since I started the dare. I have been praying that his heart would be guarded. I wish I prayed a long time ago. I am praying for his health--that he would stop smoking. I am praying that he will come back to God and the relationship he used to have with God.

Yesterday I began to pray that Michael would call the therapist to set up counseling for himself. I keep asking Michael to call and set up his appointment. I guess I actually keep nagging him about it. I asked God to help me to stop nagging and justed prayed that Michael would do it on his own. And guess what...he called the therapist. He didn't speak to him but left a message.

Love is Honorable

2010-08-17T16:56:18Z

When Michael moved back in, we each came up with some ground rules. One of the ground rules for me was that he sleep in the same bed with me. He has not been doing that. We discussed this issue. I chose to listen to MIchael without interrupting him or expressing my feelings until he was finished. I think he liked that because he did sleep in the same bed with me.

Love takes Delight

2010-08-17T16:55:25Z

Easy dare. I am a neat freak. I cleaned the house and finished the laundry before Michael got home. I also cooked dinner and had it ready for us to eat together when I got home from work. I also made lemon bars since it would have been Michael's dad's birthday. We toasted him. I hoped that we could spend some quality time together watching tv and talking, but Michael went into the guest room.

Love Fights Fair

2010-08-17T16:54:47Z

Me boundaries:

1) Do not touch Michael

2) Speak in a calm voice

3) Ask for a time out if I cannot control my emotions

4) Do not make demands-that is controlling Michael

5) If Michael says things that are hurtful, then share calmly how that feels

Love lets the other one win

2010-08-17T16:54:09Z

Today's challenge was hard. I gave into Michael's requests about the other woman. I don't think that it helps Michael's soul for eternity. I don't think it helps my marriage. I gave into putting the other woman on the unlimited calling plan to save us money. I also gave into letting him see her. I feel like it is a mistake but I am trying to give up control and let God bring him back.

I pray for his soul each day. I am so afraid that he is going down a road that he will not be able to get back from. If anyone reads this, please pray for Michael's relationship with God.

Love Cherishes

2010-08-17T16:52:16Z

After reading today's challenge, I am more convinced that Michael should be doing the Love Dare, but he won't. I gave him his own book. I asked him to go to marriage counseling. All nos.

Yesterday Michael refused to give me some time to adjust to him talking to the other woman while at the house. I am having a very hard time knowing that he is outside talking to her. When we set the ground rules for his return to the house, I knew that he would be talking to her. I thought that if he were home that would be enough for me. But I just can't emotionally handle knowing that he is talking to her. I asked him to not talk to her at night when I am home. He refused. I work four nights until 8pm so he could talk to her and I would not be around to see it or know it. I just asked for three nights to not talk to her. He refused. I don't know what to do. I feel like if I can't get a handle on my feelings, I am going to end up back in the mental hospital. I told Michael that and he still refused.

I don't know how I am going to make it through this and if it is even worth doing this dare since Michael just doesn't care. Somebody please help!

Love is Unconditional

2010-08-17T16:51:35Z

Love is unconditional. I believe that my love for Michael is unconditional. Even through Michael's affair and his declaration of love for the other woman, I still love him. I have forgiven him but he still wants to be with her. I love him even though the man that I married and fell in love with is not here anymore. I love him because he is my soulmate. I love him because I know that the man I fell in love with is still inside him. I love him because I know that God intended us to be together forever. I cannot give up on him even though he has given up on me and our marriage.

I don't know what to do today to show him my love is unconditional. All I can do is cry.

Love is a Covenant

2010-08-17T16:50:53Z

Well I have finished the Love Dare. It is kind of sad. I enjoyed reading each entry each day and then doing the challenges. I have seen changes in my own life but not in my marriage or in Michael. I have seen that I am working harder at being a better Christian, wife and mother. I see that I am trying to communicate without anger. I see that I am trying to be in the will of God. I still have a lot of work to do.

The one thing that I see in Michael that is different is that he is texting and talking to the other woman less during the day. I am trying to hold my tongue about him speaking to her at night. That is very hard.

Yesterday at therapy, my therapist asked me how long I feel I can continue to "allow" Michael to have this relationship. I said I don't know. I am taking it one day at time and hoping and praying that it fizzles out. I just keep repeating "I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11. I know that the Lord will bring me through this with my husband at my side in the end.

I did not write a covenant. I want to wait on that until the affair ends. I think it needs to be done by both Michael and I.

We did have devotions last night. It went much better. I wish the prayer time would be better. I hope that with time it will improve.

I plan to continue journaling here each day. Therapist thinks journaling each day is a good idea. I also like getting my feelings out. If you are reading this, thanks. If you have any comments, please leave them. I would love your thoughts.

Blessings.

Mimi

Love Endures

2010-08-17T01:23:20Z

I wrote my resolve to Michael and texted it to him. He said that he really liked it. I was so surprised.

I asked Michael on Saturday night to pick one of three things that I would like him to do for me: go to marriage counseling, to have devotions together at night or for him to take the love dare. He choose devotions. We had devotions on Sunday night for the first time. I ordered the love dare for a year for couples and it is not here yet. So I got on the computer and googled devotions for couples. I found one and he read to me, We discussed it. We prayed. It was horrible. Michael had an attitude about doing it. I hope that tonight goes better.

Love Fulfills Dreams

2010-08-17T01:09:46Z

There are a few different things that I can be doing to fulfill Michael's dreams. One will cost money, which there is not much of. The second will not cost anything but time and persistence. The third, I feel I have already been doing--becoming a Godly wife. I am going to continue to work on all of Michael's dreams.

Love Agrees in Prayer

2010-08-13T18:33:44Z

I asked Michael if we could pray and have devotions together yesterday. He said "we would see" which means "I don't want to". So I am going to continue to pray and have my devotions by myself. I was listening to a radio program from Revive Our Hearts last night on the way home from a catering job. The challenge was given for a 30 day be positive about your husband. I am going to look into that when I finish the Love Dare in two days.

I do want to say that I do not see any changes in my marriage since starting the love dare. I do see changes in myself. I have been crying a lot lately knowing that I really could lose my husband to the other woman. Michael does not seem to care when I tell him that I have been crying. Last night I cried in front of him and I didn't get any compassion at all.

I don't know what else I can do.