Today is the second day of my fourth time trying the Love dare. Until now my selfishness and pride have prevented me from putting all I have into my marriage. Why is it so hard to relinquish my selfish behavior to fix my marriage. I know she loves me. We both did things that were unloving and not christian but it doesn't mean we don't love each other. Sometimes people are weak. Marriages shouldn't fail because of mistakes they only fail when neither wants to make it work. This time I am committed to making it work. It hurts when I say "I love you" to her there is a deafening silence. It hurts that she won't admit that she still thinks we can work. I see it in her eyes. When we aren't talking about all the bad things, we laugh, joke, and flirt like we used to. Her smile is brighter than I have seen in years. She has seen me change and then revert back. This time is different though. I can't explain it. Something broke in me and I feel a lot different towards her now. I feel like I did when we first met. Like she is the only person that matters. Like she is the one who completes me. I am grateful for my career which I selfishly brag about as how smart I am but it was her who pushed me to go back to school. She pushed me every time I said I couldn't do it. When I gradated there was no one prouder of me than her she was my biggest fan. As time went on and life happened my pride took over. I am not sure if I felt like I didn't need her or that I felt I was better than my wife and marriage. Life takes amazing turns. When we were broke and struggling we always found a way to make it through. The more money I made the more distant we became and the less I felt I needed to do. When she was a stay at home mom she wasn't a very good housekeeper and I should have seen then that she needed me to be her biggest fan not her worst enemy. As I type this I am realizing all of these horrible things about myself. I won't stray again. 

By the grace of God and the power of his mercy, I will find a permanent change in myself that won't feign when things show improvement. 

The dare: Do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness. 

In the past I have struggled with this. I always thought to myself there isn't anything I can think of. Today as I did my morning commute (2hrs) the tail lights in front of me in the dark were like beacons of guidance and I prayed to God that he would bless me with the knowledge of my actions to show her I know what will make her life easier. Moments later as traffic began to flow again the thoughts rushed in. I am hoping I can edit this later so I can tell everyone what it was because I believe she knows about this site and don't want her to be inadvertently aware and take away from it's meaning. Actions truly do speak louder than words and until now my words were all she knew. Today is a blank page. I'm going to write my story starting today. Forgive the past. Focus on the rest of our life.