I haven't been posting as there hasn't been anything to say. I stopped doing the Love Dare book. I've been through it 4 times and quite frankly, I've found other books to read. I can't do the dares anyway, as my husband has made it perfectly clear he wants no contact with me whatsoever. I have a Love Dare daily devotional that I read every day and it pretty much goes along with the Love Dare journal book.
I'm still wearing my wedding rings because I simply do not want the possibility that anyone thinks I'm available. The thought of anyone other than my husband being interested in me makes me just plain weary. I'm doing fine. I'm at peace. I've stopped hounding God to do this or do that in my marriage and have simply given it all to Him and walked away. Most days, if my mind turns to my husband, I turn it away quickly and think about something else...a scripture...a praise song...anything but him. It gets easier and I cry less.
I've been really seeking God about searching my heart and He brings things to mind. It makes me sick to my stomach to look at the sin in my heart but I feel so relieved to confess and be forgiven and washed clean.
I saw my husband on the 4th at a birthday party for his granddaughter. His daughter invited me to the party. I was worried it would be awkward with his first ex-wife, but people were praying and right before I left to go to the party, I was reminded how God goes before us and behind us. On the way, a song came on the radio saying God goes before us and stands behind us. I knew it was going to be ok. There was alot of laughter and everyone seemed as if my being there wasn't out of the ordinary. My husband and I spoke to each other and were friendly so I know that made it easier for everyone else. No one wants to be in the room with exes who are snippy and snide with one another.
Can't really say what I felt when I saw him as I'm just not sure myself. Can't really say I felt anything actually. I still love him and I'm still believing God for a miracle, but I'm not sure I want to allow my heart to hurt anymore. I haven't had to face him being involved with someone yet, and hope to not have to. BUT that is God's business, not mine. I have to continue to keep my focus on God and stay out of what He's doing.
On December 2, I was reading in Ezekial and this scripture leapt off the page at me: 37:19c "I will make them into a single stick of wood, and they will become one in My hand." Of course I believed that to be a promise from God concerning my marriage, but the divorce went through anyway.
Then yesterday during my quiet time, I was led to Ezekial 36:33-36 "This is what the Sovereign Lord says: "On the day I cleanse you from all your sins, I will resettle your towns, and the ruins will be rebuilt. The desolate land will be cultivated instead of lying desolate in the sight of all who pass through it. They will say, 'This land that was laid waste has become like the garden of Eden; the cities that were lying in ruins, desolate and destroyed, are now fortified and inhabited.' Then the nations around you that remain will know that I the Lord have rebuilt what was destroyed and have replanted what was desolate. I the Lord have spoken, and I will do it."
I had been questioning whether asking for restoration of my marriage was even in His will for my life. I had begun to have doubts because it was a second marriage for both of us, even though my first husband passed away before I married again. We had gotten divorced, though, and I began dating my second husband after the divorce was final. So I had begun to wonder if God just wanted me to be alone the rest of my life. I didn't want to waste my time praying for something that just wasn't going to happen. God is going to restore my marriage. I have stopped worrying and stressing, finally. Now, I have to guard my mind when the enemy comes at me with doubts and lies. I have to make myself keep my focus on God and what He's doing in my own heart, even if all hell breaks loose around me. This sort of feels like the calm before the storm, so I'm immersing myself in His word. I have a promise, though, so I have a firm foundation to stand on.
My phone went off again tonight and I stopped and prayed for all of us! Let us not grow weary...
Many people, even on this site, dream of dating or being married again before a d happens. Yet, you have stepped more deeply in Christ, choosing to continue to honor your marriage until reconcilliation takes place or God makes it certain to you what to do.
That is a difficult walk to take,but it will prove to be rewarded. It is difficult because now man's law says it is over, and if the world thought you were crazy standing for your marriage before the d, they really think you have lost it when you choose to stand after a d.
So, as you mentioned, evil will see you standing for what Christ wants in your life. And will do it's best to trip you up in your walk in Christ.
God doesn't see a d just because our law says a couple is d. I pray God reveals loudly and in certainty what He desires for you. So you can boldly and humbly follow His steps.
I also prayed last night when my phone went off. Jesus even mentioned that divorce was allowed for those with hardened hearts.
Today is what would be my 9th Wedding Anniversary. I am not as broken up as I thought I'd be but the day just got started.
I like that you still wear your wedding ring. Until your heart is open for something else and you have closed that door, I see no problem with you wearing them. I still have mine on. But the D hasn't happened yet.
Linda, you are an inspiration to me - thank you so much for your post. Words I needed to hear to strengthen me in my journey of trust. A couple of days ago was a breakthrough for me in trusting the Lord and while I still am a bit wobbly at times, there is Joy and Peace throughout most of my day. I love what you said about keeping focus on God and staying out of the way of what He is doing...trusting. My quiet time in the morning is when I pray for this community so we have both morning and night covered lol! Yes, let us not grow weary!