I haven't posted or commented in awhile. I went to a very dark place the weekend I was shut in with bronchitis. Got the text from my ex telling me I need professional help and assuring me he will soon be looking for wife #3, so he can have 'someone who loves him and shows him love'. I battled in my mind such depression and was almost overwhelmed by despair. I could not stop thoughts from flooding my head and I cried...all I could do was cry, until it nearly made me vomit. I almost believed the lie that I need professional help. He insinuated I am mentally unbalanced. There were times that weekend and through the next week I actually believed I might be losing my mind. I believed a lie, again.
I kept praying and spending time with God...kept reminding myself that God is faithful and that He keeps all His promises. Spent some time raging at myself for allowing any person to bring me to such emotional turmoil. Battled against anger for not fighting for my house...thinking of all I did to make it a home only to be tossed out and pushed away as if I never existed. Images running rampant in my head of an unnamed woman without a face enjoying the house I made into a home and the pain was nearly unbearable. All these horrible thoughts of what if she is smarter than me? What if she is thinner than me? What if what if what if what if...it was like having hell break lose in my head all at once.
I have never felt so discouraged and alone. I am 59 years old. I never wanted to be alone at this age. I wanted to grow old with my husband...wanted to travel with him..explore places we've not been to. He is traveling without me now. Has gone to New York. He says by himself. Really? Has a trip planned for a week in May. By himself. Seriously?
Finally the thoughts began to subside. I prayed, praised God, read His word. Finally it got easier to push the thoughts away. God finally asked me, "Do you trust Me?" and it dawned on me, that yes, yes I do trust Him...even in the midst of the worse depression I've experienced in a very long time, my trust in Him did not waver. Was an odd moment for me to realize I can feel depression, and yet still believe God, still trust Him. It's ok for me to grieve and yet still believe. And grieve I do...for the loss of my marriage...for a husband who no longer loves me nor even places any value on me as a person...for a life I was helping to build for my family...for a home I helped create, yes, I am grieving, but I still trust God.
I am incredibly sad these days, but I am at peace that this too shall pass. I either believe God's ways are good and His thoughts toward me are for my good, or I don't. If I choose to believe, then in this incredible sadness is a promise that I won't always feel this sad because no matter what happens to me, God is in it with me. If I choose not to believe, what hope have I to ever feel anything but this incredible sadness? I believe, therefore I will ride out this storm...stumble through this valley...I will cry...probably alot, but I have the promise that it will not always be this way...I will not always feel this sad and in that is hope. I have found that it is perfectly ok to grieve, because God grieves with me, but He also has promised me He will work it all for my good, whatever that looks like. I will be ok.
This hasn't killed me, so I know I will be ok.
One thing is true and that is God is good.
As I hit the save button, my phone reminder went off to pray for the Love Dare marriages. I stopped and prayed for you all! :)
My phone went off too as I was driving back to town. Thanks for the payers and remembering. I joined you in prayer.
words....they can kill....I heard a priest once say, have you confessed your sins? What about the ten commandments? Have you murdered anyone lately? Of course not, who actually kills. He then says, what about with your words to others, Have you killed with your words.
My boss once said something to me, I rarely see him, spoke about 10 words to him every few years. He said something kind of harmless, yet it about killed me for a year or more.
He isn't really trying to hurt you with his words. He is trying to deflect Christ's conviction and trying to continue to justify his path. When a kid breaks his mother's lamp, he pretty much points to his little brother and says it was his fault.
Your husband doesn't want to face the consequences either, so he passes his problem on to you. Let his words go, like a grain of sand mixed in with all the grains of God's promises to you. Can you ever find that one grain of his among all of God's again? Nope, so let it go.
didn't God promise great things in to those that were mocked because of Him? So, you were mocked. Now rejoice because of it! Do a happy dance! You were rediculed because you are taking the narrow path to God! What did He promise to those that were mocked because of His name?
The world thinks you and everyone in this community are nuts. Who stands for a marriage with a spouse that acts like ours? Not many people. Be happy you chose to be in the cream of the crop, those that stand with God.
As God pulls you out of the pit of despair, you are gaining even more endurance. All works out for the good for those that love Him.
Do not worry about another woman. If there is one, and if God wants you to know, you will know. 85% of what we worry about does not happen, 10 percent we make out to be way worse than what it really is, and the 5% we just forgive and continue the love for the spouse .
And if there is another at some point, well, giggle a little. He will have to compare you made of God's gold to a woman of the flesh made of rusted tin. Who's gonna look good to him really? Even if she is a size 2, you will win, God's light in you is attractive. Her fleshy ways are ickey.
Tim, thank you for this. You made me cry, but it's ok. It's a good cry. Thank you.
Holman Christian Standard Bible (and whenever you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear this command behind you: "This is the way. Walk in it.") Isaiah 30:21
I believe you were the "voice" God spoke through.