I have been out of town since before Christmas. Merry Christmas to all, by the way. Well, we tell our grown children tomorrow that we are divorcing. I sincerely apologized to my husband for the blow up from my last journal entry. I asked his forgiveness. He didn't offer it; just looked at me. We talked last night and it is apparent he can recall every ugly, hateful word I ever spoke to him over the past 14 years. Things I couldn't even remember saying. Also from what I understand him to say to me is that he doesn't really believe God approves of our marriage because he divorced his first wife and married me. He thinks we are being punished for our mistakes. I explained that when we sincerely seek God's forgiveness, He gives it freely and to think our sins are greater than God's forgiveness is a form of pride, therefore sin, but he doesn't see it. He thinks it's humility to believe we have some sins God can't forgive. I realized well into that conversation I can't convince him otherwise, but showed me another avenue of prayer for him. He thinks the only reason I have been showing him love, asking for another chance to prove my love and asking for forgiveness for the stupid acts/words of anger is because I am afraid of what the future holds and afraid of being alone. I was single for 33 years before I married my first husband, so being alone doesn't scare me.
I can never take back the ugly things I've said in the past. If that is all I allow my mind to dwell on, the situation is hopeless, BUT GOD can heal the wounds I've caused...can change a heart to love again...can bring forgiveness where there is only bitter memories. I have to just leave this all in His hands and just live my life in total trust He is ordering my steps.
The one thing I do know from the past 3 months of doing the "Love Dare" and seeking to know my heart and understand my behaviors, is that God reveals what is in my heart every time I ask. Sometimes it's just not easy to see it, but it's necessary. After hearing my husband recite things I've said in the past, I went to my room and asked God why I would speak out in anger like I have in the past. The reality is it's a pattern of argument I learned from my parents. It's a defense mechanism to hurt you before you can hurt me. I have come to the conclusion that I am going to seek counseling from our church counseling center.
I continue to pray for all of you and your marriages!
Thank you so much for your input and encouragement!
As you don't want your husband to dwell in the past, make sure you do not dwell in the past either. What he and you have done in the past is forgiven in your case since you have seeked His forgiveness. Dwelling on it can be a from of false pride or not fully accepting His forgiveness as you pointed out to him.
He is continuing to come up with reasons to justify his thoughts and actions. And you are right. You can't really change him, but to leave him to God. He doesn't know, but the more he justifies his actions and thoughts, the more conviction he is allowing God to place on him. Until he has what you have, he will not have the peace he is hoping he will get. All this leaves the door more fully open for Christ to work in him, especially since you are learning in the dares and living in what you are learning.
It is very tough sitting through a litany of all the things you have done or said that you shouldn't have. But realize he is also embelishiing a lot of it and maybe even adding in a lot that never really happened.
Much can happen yet with God on your side. Keep trusting He has the perfect plans for you. And it is incredible that you ask and always get an answer in what is in your heart.
EAch time you ask and you put effort in correcting what is shown to you, you leave more room for Christ to work in you and your husband.
I am sure it is so hurtful to hear his words and know he wants to tell the older kids, but it sounds like you are trusting Christ in the hurt. Thank God for that.
Thank you, Tim, for your words of encouragement. Things went as well as can be expected with the kids. They were visibly upset, but left with the assurance they are not going to be caught in the middle of an ugly battle between my husband and me. We assured them we are both still here for them and that we love them. I apologized for once again introducing divorce into our family dynamic and they all told me to please don't shoulder that kind of blame. They were all so kind and sweet. It was a hard thing for them to process, but I think they will all be okay.
My husband told me the night before, in no uncertain terms, that he is ready for me to move out so he can get on with his life. Came at me out of the blue, but I am complying. I signed a lease on an apartment and move in day is tomorrow.
Have had pause to stop and think just how quickly things can go bad. My heart is very sad today, but my trust is in God.
May 2017 bring with it for all of us answers to prayers, peace for the moment and a greater awareness of God's love for us!
Happy New Year!