Collaborate without boundaries

Day 61...

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Hello.  I tried to write something back on day 47 but took it down.  As I read the entries, my heart just breaks to realize what a terrible state marriages are in these days.  Mine included.  My husband of nearly 14 years told me October 3 of this year that he wanted a divorce.  He told me this the morning I was boarding a plane to go be with my younger sister who was having a unilateral mastectomy.  I won't go into the chaos of emotions I felt for the week I was away after that news.  I put my focus on my sister keeping positive for her as she was beginning a battle with cancer.  I did, however, confide in my niece and she suggested "The Love Dare".  I watched "Fireproof" and got the book and I felt encouraged.  I am now on day 61 and nothing has changed in my marriage.  He is more determined than ever to be rid of me.  I texted him one day last week that I love him and he asked me not to do that anymore.  Told me it made him uncomfortable.  He was married previously to a woman for 20 years.  He did to her what he has done to me.  He decided we didn't fill the needs he had to his satisfaction so he discards us.  I met him while he was still married to his wife.  Doesn't matter that he had decided on divorcing her...or separated...they were still married and I was wrong in getting involved with him, period.  What is done is done, though, but I realize it has set up in me suspicion and mistrust of his long absences many days out of the week.  I am seeing the same pattern and hearing the same excuses, though he denies he is being unfaithful.  I had repented of my part in our meeting and how I know we hurt his ex wife.  There are days I feel I am actually getting what I deserve, though I know God has forgiven me.  I think for years, subconsciously, I harbored such disgust for myself that I sabotaged our marriage.  I am a born-again believer and was when he and I met, but it is apparent I was not walking in obedience at all.  In 2009 I had to have a radical hysterectomy and my body and emotions changed drastically.  I lost interest in walk with God, my husband, my marriage, even in taking care of myself.  I became depressed.  I sought help through my doctor who prescribed hormones, anti-depressants, etc. but nothing seemed to work.  When I look back now, I know the cause was my rebellion against God.  I found journal entries I made over the years and the theme of them is pretty consistent...I knew deep inside something was wrong, but couldn't seem to 'fix' it on my own.  I had begun to cry out to God, "What is wrong with me??!!  Why do I constantly make such stupid decisions??!!  Why can't I just get this all right???"  I remember one day not long ago simply saying, "God, do whatever it takes to fix me."  Enter husband asking for divorce.  Wake up call for sure.  My heart broke.  I initially started "The Love Dare" thinking it was a magical fix my marriage book.  I went through the motions totally expecting God to just rush in and perform a miracle in the first few days.  Of course that didn't happen.  As I've continued the journey, I began to dig deeper into scripture...started asking God to search my heart and reveal to me the dark, ugly stuff I've hidden there.   He did and continues to do so.  After one selfish tirade at my husband because I couldn't manipulate or shame him into repenting of his decision to divorce me, I stormed into my closet and fussed and cried about him to God and very clearly a phrase came to mind..."Contentious Woman".  I began to look back over my whole life and realized I have been a contentious woman for as long as I can remember.  I have always tried to manipulate, pout, shout, push, etc my way on any and every one.  It has been a long, painful, but enlightening journey this "Love Dare" thing, but one thing I am getting from it is I never want to go back to being a double minded, tossed to and fro, doubtful, rebellious child of God ever ever ever again.  I love my husband ...which in looking back I don't know that I ever did before...if I have to be totally honest, he was more of a security blanket for me and my daughter. (My first husband and I divorced as well, and he died not long after the divorce.  Our daughter was only 10, so my husband now pretty much raised her.)   I am so ashamed that I took vows I did not honor...but I know what love is now and I love my husband more than ever.   I pray daily for the mind of Christ, for the heart of Christ...I want God to save my marriage...I want the opportunity to love the way I was intended to love from the start...I want to make up to my husband for the hateful, selfish way I have treated him for years...but if God decides that is not to be, then I have purposed, broken heart and all, to just trust God.  I pray for our adult I know how this will wound them and I am grieved that my actions once again will cause pain to others.  I have come to understand more clearly God's purpose for the marriage covenant and should God help my husband love me again and restore our marriage, I will strive the rest of my life for our marriage to glorify God.  If God chooses not to save it, I will strive to glorify God anyway for the rest of my life.  I want to be able to say like Paul did, "I have kept the faith".  I have been a failure long enough.  I know who I am in Christ now and I finally recognize there is an enemy out to destroy anything God cares about.  I have also watched "War Room" and purchased the book "Fervant" and  am learning to pray in a way I never have before.  In the chaos and heartache, I am growing in a wonderful relationship with God that I never dreamed possible.  I will be praying for all of you!  Please pray for me as well.  

  • God is never late and here for us always.

    Keep growing in this journey between you and Christ.  And it is good you are seeing how to love as Christ loves His church.  

    You're husband I am sure sees the changes in you.  Keep consistent in being patient and kind and one day he may want what you have, peace in Christ.

  • First and foremost, thank you for having the courage to share your testimony.  It is hard when we have to pour out our faults to others in confession and I applaud you for finally taking that step.  I encourage you to journal more often.  We thank you for the prayers as well and I am sure that we will keep you in our prayers as well.  Turning your life around and noticing the selfish love that you have had is hard, I know, was in the same boat.  Praise God for taking the scales off of your eyes!  Keep the faith and someday we will hear God at the judgment seat say to us "Well done my good and faithful servant".

    The fruit of the Spirit is Love, and if we have the love of God in our hearts for others then we will have peace, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

  • I have often wondered, and I have watched war room quite a few times now and miss Clara said she learned to fight in prayer and fight the right way. Just like she taught the young lady to do, besides reading the Bible, going to church and everything else, how does one fight in prayer like she talks about in the movie?

  • Morgana1 - I wish that were an easy answer =)

    It is a hour long sermon but it should answer your questions.

  • I will check that out, thank you!

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