105

Well, it is 4:53 a.m., my husband ran out around 4:30.  It’s later (not 1:30).  Is that improvement? To forgive my spouse is the dare.  I sat outside to think and pray on Dare 105.  It may sound nutty, but to “Be Still” and make myself focus…I watched one red cardinal and his movement for an hour. I would listen to him and track him as he would dive between trees and stare at me.  Then… he’d be gone. I’d continue to search, though, because I could hear him.  My heart would swell over this tiny red beauty when I thought I saw his likeness…but then discover it was a ruddy, dead leaf hanging from a branch.  My heart,  at the end of the hour, blazed when that stately bird finally perched near me.

As I think about forgiveness, I definitely think about stepping into my husband’s shoes.  As I currently feel emotionally, spiritually, physically left by him, I know I have done the same to him.  I left my husband out in the wilderness at one time, blind to his needs, deaf to his pleas.  I could not comprehend what he needed then…I was too deeply into myself: my pain, my need to numb pain: just “numb”… both mind and body.  Realizing this is where my husband is now HURTS.  He has chosen to numb himself.  My once sharp, brilliant, quick, kind husband is dull, lifeless, and lost.  It hurts deeply what I have “seen” that I assume he has used to assuage his deadness and emptiness.  But, how can I not forgive my husband?  We may have different debris on our paths, but it is the same path.  All paths away from God are paths filled with filler.

My husband stayed with me this evening.  We sat in the yard, watched the sun set, the fire flies, and our kids play with the neighbors.  That had to be good medicine for him.  He chose to spend the night, but, again, always he has this distant and uncomfortable look in his eyes…always.  He woke me around 3:30.  I have always been open to him in this way since the beginning of this journey despite what is occurring outside of “us”.  On this night, though, I have difficulty.  I do not know why I am just unable this time. We both just stop and lay in silence. He then puts his clothes on to leave.  He tells me that I am a hypocrite.  He says he does NOTHNG: only locks himself in his house. He says that he is deeply depressed.  He says he feels some relief with me, but then also feels land blasted.  He claims there are no women and that the pain pills are being stock piled.  He once again says it is over between us and that I scare him.  He makes “fun” of my belief in God and my “psycho analysis “ and my magical “let us get on our knees” ways.  He wants to know where God was for the first ten years of our marriage.  I tell my husband to ask Him.  My husband says God doesn’t speak to him.  He says I was humble initially, but now he feels I knife him.  He leaves.  Again.  Life in limbo…good times.

I spent an hour tracking a cardinal. When I couldn’t see him, I just knew I could hear him…so I kept  watching and kept waiting.  But, ya know, there were other birds around, too.  I heard lots of chirping.  And, I thought I actually saw the cardinal several times.  Those were actually dead leaves.    What is my point? IDK!  LOLOL!  Maybe, If I don’t focus on Him intensely, I (ME) get lost so quickly…I hear lots of talk….I see many cardinal-colored things….and I just get lost in all the SCATTER. IT throws off the FOCUS on my FOCAL POINT>

I’m rambling to say…all I do is mess up with my husband in one way or another. I can’t win for losing. We are either “standing in one another’s shadows or are blocking one another’s light.”  We are a coin that can’t be divided…but is damn well trying to be.  Do I hear you, Lord???  Do I see you, Lord?  My mind feels messed with…

Sorry for the “psycho-babble” folks.

So, Dare 105—I forgive my husband…but it is a daily act to do so…daily, hourly, minute to minute…I don’t say that condescendingly.  I say it in the fact that I am strong in flesh when it comes to him…and I have to fight it non-stop.