An eye-opening Memorial weekend was had by all in my family. Being with my entire family (extended and immediate) is always a honing experience. My self-control, my focus, my faith…all are challenged, all are honed. As I could “see,” He made me so aware of the power of stillness and the power of truth. As I could “hear,” He made me so aware of what is actually being revealed in both the spoken and unspoken word. To “be still” incorporates all of what love is as recorded in 1 Cor 13:4-8. I grapple with “Be Still” all the time…because it is so complex in its perfect simplicity (much like my mind…right folks?…LOL).
My husband wanted to camp at my parents this wknd (12 hours after he had said we were over for the one millionth time) because they live on the lake. I had reservations about going, but was encouraged by a friend to go because, as he reminded me, fear is not of Christ. I went and am glad I did despite difficult moments. Once at my parents, my husband could not get the camper AC to work. I suggested the resort below the house before we even left on the trip. He had said, “No.” I was fine with that. But, after he perspired 20lbs of water, he suggested perhaps I could call about the resort cabin. (LOL…dare 92 complete). He and I shopped and cooked/grilled for my entire family at the cabin and also took them out on the lake for fishing. Working as a partner with my husband that Memorial afternoon was a blessing from Him to us. He and I listened to music that night (he enjoys Jason Gray and Sanctus Real ironically), talked until late, and had a wonderful, intimate night. Again, power-punching blessings and beauty all night…WOW. Then, the next day…a 180…a 360…the Tazmanian Devil said “HELLO!!!” He is distant. He is moody. He is removed. His mood lifts only after checking his cell phone…which I see, but say nothing. (I resolve not to fight…dare 93…but I assure you my body language reveals my fleshly desire of wanting to shake him, shake him, shake him. I manipulate this way. I am aware.) I have said many times on this journey, “If I was not personally witnessing this, experiencing the million things that He shows me all day ,every day, I would have doubts of its truth.” That “doubt” is not faith…so I leave that to chew on for another day.
On our boat trip the secnond day, he was again wrapped in himself, but did lock eyes with me on several occasions. He would sneer. Why? I don’t know. This man is not my husband. I have said this also throughout this journey. Has this always been my husband…and I am just now seeing it? Or is there more? Ugh. After the boat trip, I was tired. The dynamics between my parents, between my husband and me, between my mom and me…ugh…exhausting. It might even make Ghandi chew his nails. LOL! I spent some time alone with Him in prayerand then husband and I listened to music and talked again. His feet were bothering him, so I washed them and gave him a “masculine” pedicure. LOL. We had another beautiful night. It was more fulfilling and meaningful than anything I (emphasis on “I”because I do not know his feelings) experienced even in the beginning of our lives together. That is a blessing again, folks.
Again, next morning, once out of bed, he is distant. He helps me with target practice when we arrive at my parents, but then ignores me the remainder of the time at my parents. We went shopping and he was a million miles away. When we arrive home after the wknd at my folks, he has an attitude of , “Well, how ya want to get the kids taken care of? Who has them and when…….” I open my mouth. Run for cover, folks. I CALMLY say, “You do realize I am your WIFE…not a blind date you had over the weekend, right? I am not someone you should be making a daily decision on…”Do I want to see her again or not? Hmmmm. Let me think.”
He says he is not doing that.
I tell him that I am so proud of him and that I am proud to be his wife. I ask why he isn’t proud of me when I am someone to be proud of. I ask why he is hiding me. I ask again if any of his friends even know he is married.
He says he is not hiding me…he is hiding himself.
I point blank tell him to get off the pain pills that I have been seeing around forever. He says nothing.
I ask who he is in love with.
He says, “I love you, Libby. I’m scared .”
I tell him to get whatever “it” is off of his chest…not to me…but to SOMEONE. I stress that he needs to heal…not hide.
I ask him where my husband is. I tell him I want my husband.
He says, “your husband is not available”……hmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Wow.
I ask him to pray. He refuses. I respect this. I tell him I love him no matter what (Dare 95)
I will admit that I am struggling right now. I need desperately to get into the appreciation room. I struggle with loving him right now. I struggle with fighting for him right now. There is so much in the dark…so much hidden. This is difficult. But My Father is with me. And when I forget, he gently reminds me through His word, His beauty, or beautiful friends he has sent my way. TY. Blessings abound. They are all around. Hold me accountable, please. Words have tremendous power and give me new perspectives all the time.
No joke regarding the parallels between our husbands. This really stuck out at me "this man is not my husband. I have said this also throughout this journey. Has this always been my husband…and I am just now seeing it? Or is there more? " Then I turn and ask myself that....during my brokenness I could only imagine what my husband was thinking...is this the woman he actually married? Hurtful to think about, but then I've thought the same thing myself about him just as you did about yours. Now...turn it another way, Christ saying, "Is this really my daughter/son? Has this always been my daughter/son?" The answer is yes, BUT He still loves us UNCONDITIONALLY! Grab a hold of that tight Sparkle! Wrap it around your mind, heart, and tongue, so you have it for the thoughts about, feelings towards, and words for your husband.
Absolutely right, Gem. Absolutely. Turn it around, role play. Makes me cry every time. Thank you so much. I need to have my thoughts challenged and renewed. Love ya, Gem...always a different brilliance and shine,
I am not sure about the whole role play or role reverse thing but I do know that you cannot keep telling yourselves that the treatment you husband gives you is deserved because it shows you how your relationship with Christ. It is not. Its a refection of his struggles not of you. You need to seperate the issues because at the end it will buld more and more resentment in your heart towards your husband and even to God. Becuase you will come to the point that you feel you are doing everything humanly posibble to please God and live a life worthy of Him and when your husband still ill treats you you will just continue to condemn yourself for not being a "better" follower of Christ.
Grace has been given to us freely and underservedly. Its nothing we can work for and what happens in the lives of others is not a reflection of your short coming. This is the reason you are frustrated with your husband becuase you have grown sooooo much in your wlk with Christ, every day you reach new levels of grace becuase of your dedication to live for him, yet everyday you see yourself going one step foward and two steps back with your husband. You are creatng an expectation that your relationship with your husband should also grow as the relationship with Christ and when that does not happen the feelings of frustration and anger will consume you.
And that in turned will open the doors for self condemnation. I always stress there is NO condemnation in Christ. We have been made rightous my the Blood of the Lamb not by our works.
Please try to read my post about the prison and fear that is consuming your husband. It is truely nothing to do with you, its all about him. He is having withdrawal symptoms for his affair because it is his addiction. When he tells you he loves you, its because it is true. When he tells you he is scared, its because it is true. And its about time you stop making this about you and start declairing war in the spiritual realm for your husband. Our fight is not against flesh and blood. You need to know your enemy and you need to know his stratergy if you are going to win this war.
The sooner you take up your position as Gods warrior and accept that things might even becoame worse befor it becomes better the sooner you will get to your victory. The devil will not just roll over and let go of the hold he has on your husband. He is not going to say now that you are improved in your walk with Christ he will let you have your husband back so it can reflect your new relatioship with Christ, NO! his plan is very clear, to steal, kill and distroy!
Its goning to be tough from this point forward. I wrote before that my husband almodt died, TWICE, i mean in ICU admission before he realised it not someting he can just walk away from, he will need to call upon the name of the Lord if he was going to be saved.
Ladies this is one war you cannot afford to lose. Dont let the enemy fool you with discouragement and dissapointments. At some point, love will have to be tough. At some point your husband will have to make a chose between you or the OW. Right now you are enabling him to have his cake AND eat it.
I am sorry if i come across harsh but i have seem many on this site leaving and blaming God when things dont improve with there spouses and who knows if their marriages survived. Ash, HOakland, BelindaW to name just a few.
I would not want to lose you dew to this type of dissapointment
The whole point is leading your heart. Not following it. First lead it to Christ and as He molds you lead your feelings.
Your husband is lost and needs you to lead him as you have led yourself. You are the testimony of the living Christ....
I understand spiritual warfare. I do not blast it all over these boards because I feel it may be too much for others. I am reading about how to handle spirits, how to talk to them and address them. I am not making it about me. I do not post EVERYTHING. Again, I have been fighting. I even whisper Jesus Christ in his ear while he sleeps, lay hands on him, speak angels to sing of His name through out his home and mine. Understand that I understand.....and yes the battle is difficult.
I love being held accountable....but I don't think I understand that I make it all about me...I read and pray and do. I read and pray and do. Not about me. I absorb all I can to fight this battle. Be aware that not ALL things are posted.
AND, I am not LEAVING! I struggle. I get tired. I come here to share and reflect that cause it is what I have. I STAND as I have said throughout. Yes, I am irritated. I read and study to the point that there are not enough hours in the day. I assure you, Libby witll not leave. I have already been through TOO MUCH HELL to give up. TY Madamej
How am I enabling???????? I do what He instructs me to do. WHen I have opened my mouth, I was blown oout of the water on this site. My husband has been called on the carpet and addressed in a calm and direct way about OW (plural) etc. Because I maintain self-control with an understanding of what is occurring, I do not think I roll over and die and let him have his cake and eat it to. I choose to have a time and direct purpose for all converastions. Again, not everything that transpires is HERE. He works through me in very direct and effective ways. I assure you. Love is tough....and I understand that!!!!!!!! My story is very long...there is no way it can all be here. Thanks for the advice.
I am sorry if i came across insensitive, I am truly sorry. I am commenting on what you write and the tone i pick up from reading your posts. Maybe if you read it again you might see that I am only commenting on the parts you make known to us.
The reason we are here is to hold each others arms up. This is a heavy burden to bare alone and therefore we must sometimes get specific on what the fight is where we at that time.
As your husband gets closer to the grace of God and he is starting to realise that he is slipping specific demonic bondages will manifest and we need to address them for what they are.
When I read your post about the way your husband reacts from moment to moment I can strongly feel that he is bounded by a spirit of fear.
Fear is a powerful force. This is why the bible makes so much mention about us not to let fear overtake us. As a point of departure i think i have once recommend the book Power of a Praying wife by Stormie Omatian. It speaks to the specific struggles our husbands go through and how to cover them in prayer.
The closer you are getting to your victory the harder it becomes. My aim was to caution you against self condemnation by constantly repeating that your husband’s treatment of you is a reflection of your relationship with Christ. It might have been like that in the past but once you have confessed it to God and asked Him to forgive you, He does just that, He forgives you and one step further, He thinks about your transgression no more. Why should you keep looking back when God remember them no more?
When reflecting on how our situations reflect on our relationship with Christ, I do not always believe it is of the NOW. The “role reversals” have allowed me to be able to reflect on my past relationship with Him, which allows me to learn and grown even more in my walk now as well as relate to my husband more so than if I do not do that type of reflection.
I have all of Stormie's books and have had since you quoted me that first prayer early in this journey. He is with me in every step. I still grow weary though. Everyday it seems the mountain is higher, by HIs presence is stronger and my faith grows. But, I allow my flesh to get in the way some days and I falter. When my kids are in the middle, it weakens me...and Satan knows this. Father has assured me that my children are protected and I, the widow, should continue, for He will bring my husband home.