lane's journal

Off the radar

Lane — Tue, 08 Mar 2011 02:59:00 GMT

Friday’s post…I know I have been off of the radar for several weeks. It has been nothing but one struggle after another. Valentine’s Day and our 8^th anniversary have passed during that time. Both occasions didn’t mean a whole lot to me. More depressing than anything. The time came and went and we never did anything to celebrate. Just another day.

We finally did combine our incomes last week after many arguments. He didn’t like the way the budget worked but it was just because he couldn’t buy anything unless he saved for it. He wanted to sell some stuff but rather than use it to pay bills he wanted to buy more stuff for his hobby. I put my foot down on that one. All of the extra money from my check is going to his bills to keep them from being delinquent and his main concern is getting more stuff. So 4 days after I paid everything out he confessed to buying more stuff on Ebay. Hundreds of dollars worth. According to him it was something that he has only seen a few times so he needed to get it now. I was so angry. He tried being cute with me like he always does when he’s trying to smooth things over but I couldn’t even listen to him. I asked him if he had self-control over anything in his life. He said yes but then couldn’t answer with what. I walked away but then returned a bit later to give him a little more cash and tell him that it was all he was getting from me. I was done with paying his bills and he needed to figure out how to do it on his own. I told him that I had no idea what it was going to take to make him stop spending. Bankruptcy, losing the house, etc. I just don’t know. I also told him that I wasn’t going to be his babysitter when it comes to money. He said he was tired of me treating him like crap. He blames his spending on his unhappiness which, in turn, means it is my fault. That made me angrier.

This morning I was still angry so I didn’t say anything to him. He got in my face and told me, once again, that he was tired of me treating him like crap. Said he was done, once again. That night when I got home he started slamming things around in front of the kids. I hate when he gets them involved in our fights. He told the boys good night and said he had to leave. He was only gone for about 10 minutes and came back. Not sure why but I figure he talked to someone and they told him to go back home. After the kids were in bed, he started calmly talking to me telling me that wouldn’t buy anything else and he “probably” shouldn’t have bought the stuff he did. I told him I wasn’t combining things again and he wasn’t going to change. This was after he complained that I didn’t give him the full amount of cash that I said I was going to. Things got very heated. I walked away and he followed. He ripped my purse from my hands and started rummaging through it looking for the joint account check card. When I tried to get it back he shoved me. I shoved back and the he totally lost it. This time he pushed me across the room and I hit the ground hard. He still bent down and got in my face. I got up and walked away. It didn’t seem to bother him. He was more concerned with getting money. It seems like it’s an addiction.

I’m not afraid of him by any means. This isn’t the first time we have been in a shoving match but this is the roughest that it has gotten. I’m just thankful that it didn’t wake our boys. I am very sore today and feeling horrible about what happened between us. I was hoping that he would feel the same and we could talk about it. That didn’t happen.

Earlier this week he ran into the neighbor chick at that chiropractor that she suggested to him. He had mentioned that he ran into her and that she suggested we get our families together this weekend. I didn’t respond when he told me that. So after everything that happened last night, he had the nerve to ask me if we were getting together with them. That’s the first thing he said to me tonight. Nothing about what happened between us. Just wondering if we were getting together with them. That spoke volumes to me. His main concern wasn’t us. It was if he was going to see her this weekend. I told him that too. He laughed. Then later he said that he wasn’t really serious.

He disconnected the router so I wouldn’t have internet. Then he locked me out of the bedroom and sent me a text saying that my clothes will be outside and it’s raining. I haven’t slept in our bedroom since all this happened. It’s hard not to feel like I want to hang things up. I feel so absolutely disrespected in so many different ways. I think at this point it would be better for the boys if we didn’t live together. Then they wouldn’t have to be around the intense stress. My husband doesn’t seem to have a problem with demeaning me in front of the boys.

I sound like a broken record but I feel like I just can’t win.

What am I doing???

Lane — Sat, 12 Feb 2011 05:03:34 GMT

I was finally starting to make headway with my husband on the money front. We were to the point where we were planning on sitting down and discussing a budget this weekend. I think he realized that he couldn’t do it on his own. Then, the neighbor chick called him tonight. I was sitting right there for most of the conversation and I could tell that this wasn’t the first time that he had talked to her this week. He called her last week to see if her kids could go sledding with him and my son. Yes, he is on sick leave from work so there is no way he should even consider sledding. This is one reason I have had a hard time with him being off of work because sometimes it seems that he is faking it. Every year he has some ailment that he needs to be off of work for. That’s a whole other issue with us.

When he talked to her last week, she had told him about this chiropractor that she goes to because she thought that he could help my husband get better since the other doctors methods apparently aren’t working. After he told me that, I knew that there would be follow-up conversations with them. After he hung up with her tonight, nothing was said for a while. Then he made a comment that he knew that I knew who he was talking to. I told him I did know who it was. Then he waited and said ”Is that it?” I just shrugged my shoulders and said Yep. He said he was waiting for me to unload on him. In my mind I already was. I tried to pray but I was getting so angry. My kids were still up so I had time to cool off a little. After I put my kids to bed, I didn’t talk to him much. We just watched TV. Then I got up and told him I was going to the bedroom to watch a show that I DVR’d. He asked me if I was ok and I lied and told him yes. After I got to the bedroom, I decided that I better talk to him about it because it would be eating me up inside. I should have just let it go. I went out and told him that I lied to him and I was bothered by the phone call. He asked me why and I told him. Another time I should have kept my mouth shut. I told him that I didn’t think that it was right for her to call him, this has happened many times before. I told him that I’m not calling her husband all of the time. He already knew that I felt this way. We’ve had this conversation many times before when it has happened. I also told him that I didn’t think that it was a good idea for him to be talking to her while we are having so many problems. And lastly, because he has told me before that she is “HOT”. I guess honestly isn’t the best policy in my case. He got very angry and said I was accusing him of screwing around with her. I told him that he asked me what was wrong so I was telling him. Told him that I wasn’t accusing him of messing around but that them talking bothers me. He said that he wasn’t the one initiating the calls and I threw back at him that he started it by calling her about the sledding. A stretch on my part…I don’t think so. This is how he can get attention from her so he’s initiates it.

Basically at the end of the argument he said he was done again. I just walked away mad. Now I’m sitting here venting about the man that I really want to stay married to but struggle every day with it. Every minute with it seems like a more accurate description. My mouth gets me into so much trouble. I even try to recite the dare sayings in my head when I feel myself getting angry but something else just takes over.

I came to the harsh realization earlier this week that I have not been a very good person in a very long time. I always thought that I was. I have lots of friends and people seem to like me. I knew that I should have God in my life all of these years but when I thought about it I thought it would take all of my fun away. I broke down last night and told my husband how I have been feeling and struggling with making myself a better person. It seemed to really impact him at the time. Now I seem to have blown all of that away. My old ways are very much still present and his well aware of it.

To back track a bit… last night when we were discussing how we were going to combine our money again, I told him I wanted him to have all of his statements start coming to the house rather than online. That way I could keep better track of where we are with our money. He was fine with it until he realized that it meant having me see his cell bill again. The look on his face was a look of worry. Then he told me that there was no way he was going to do that. At first I got mad but realized I was going to screw up a good opportunity to get us on track with our money so I told him to take the numbers off so I couldn’t see them. He still never agreed to it so I dropped it for the sake of not arguing. That has been on my mind all day. What would he have to be worried about? Or should I say, how many would he have to be worried about?

I feel like I am struggling with so many demons all of the time. I know I want to become a better person but I’m not in the position yet to trust God. Sometimes I feel like I will never get there at the rate I am going.

Totally off the subject

Lane — Tue, 08 Feb 2011 03:58:33 GMT

I have mentioned in my posts before that my husband has accumulated a considerable amount of debt. We have kept our money separate for several years now to prevent us from arguing. Looking back now I realize that it was a big mistake. Apparently it has given him the license to rack up huge amounts of credit card debt and loans that I only recently found out about. I am glad that he told me about where he stands with his bills but it scares me to death. I have discussed with him several times in the past few months about combining our money again to try to work together as a team to get us out of this position. Every time I try to talk to him about it he gets very defensive and immediately angry. He assumes that combining our incomes means that I will pay off my debt first and leave his to last in case we divorce. The thing is that he doesn’t even have enough money to pay his own bills so my own money will be paying my own bills plus his. We have both talked to attorneys in the past so he is well aware that his debt is my debt if we divorce. He has said that he would not dump his debt on me if we split up.

Last pay, he did not receive much of a paycheck since he has been off on sick leave and his company is giving him the runaround. When he told me, I asked him how we were going to be able to pay the bills. He said that he had some money set back so he would just have to use that. That made me happy because I fully expected him to just tell me that I would have to pay them. When it came time to put our money in the joint account so I could pay the bills, he only transferred a small amount for 2 of the bills. When I asked him about it, he said that he had told me that he wouldn’t be able to pay for all of the bills. I asked him about the money that he had set aside and he told me that he used it for the bills but it wasn’t enough for all of them. I was frustrated because he should have told me that and not waited until the last second to tell me that I needed to cover the rest of the bills.

We make the same amount of money at the end of the year. He does have to work overtime since his base salary is not as much but in the end we are about dead even at year’s end. He just spends too much plain and simple. I have tried whatever I can to try to make him see that being in debt is causing him grief and us grief. Every time we get paid we argue because he struggles to pay his portion of the bills. I have bills of my own that I am trying to pay off and have been on a strict budget for the past 8 or 9 months thanks to a book a co-worker gave me. I have tried to explain to him how my budget works but he has no interest in it. He does not like being on a budget. He sees something he wants and he charges it. He has taken 2 401K loans out to pay for his credit cards but then has charged them back up. Being off of work has not helped. He shops online a lot when he is bored. His mother has put it in his head that it’s because he is unhappy. Sounded more like she was blaming me and making excuses for him but his unhappiness is real I know that.

I feel taken advantage of right now. When he couldn’t cover the bills, he threw out that I should just use my emergency fund. While it upset me, I calmly told him that he should have talked to me sooner about what I needed to cover. I then told him that maybe he should get an emergency fund of his own and that he shouldn’t rely on mine. I was willing to cover his bills but then saw him continuing to buy things for his hobby. That really irritated me. Why couldn’t he have used that money for the bills instead of blowing it again? I didn’t say anything to him at the time but did mention it tonight.

The other night he mentioned that he wants to take another loan out but that he knew I would get mad. We talked a bit about it then but then dropped it. Tonight I asked him if we could talk about it and it instantly went bad. I tried to discuss it calmly with him but he got mad again. I prayed for guidance today because I didn’t want it to come across as me attacking him. Not sure I prayed enough. He told me that he wanted to take out a withdrawal and not a loan. I explained to him that it would be much worse doing that and that without him stopping his spending he would end up back in the same spot he is in now. He has said many, many times that he knows that he needs to stop spending but he continues to do it. This is the main reason that I conferred with an attorney a few months back. I am so worried that he is going to bankrupt us both. He told me that my main concern is money and not our other problems. I disagree with him over that but he feels very strongly over it.

I am struggling over how to address this with him anymore without hindering my progress. I don’t feel that just giving him money to pay his bills will help. I would feel like an enabler then because he has not changed his ways. Hypocritical? Possibly. I am in the process of changing my ways too but I feel like I am making an effort. I have bills to pay off too.

Looking for how to address this with him. Suggestions anyone??

Hanging in there

Lane — Fri, 04 Feb 2011 02:31:59 GMT

I’m trying to remember everything that has happened to follow up from my last post. Saturday night my husband was asking me why I thought that giving me access to everything like Facebook, cell phone, etc. was necessary in order to stay together. I had told him a few weeks back that I wasn’t going to stay in a marriage where I wasn’t a part of his life. All of his life. I told him that he keeps me separate from his life regarding his friends on FB, since they are mostly woman, and his finances. He doesn’t share anything with me. He says he tried giving me access before but I basically blew it by still accusing him of flirting and doing inappropriate things when he wasn’t. He’s right. When he tells me about talking to other woman it makes my blood boil. Is it innocent? Maybe but with his past I doubt it. All I keep thinking is that he is saying and doing things that he shouldn’t be doing for a married man.

On Sunday I kept wondering why he kept stressing the fact that I wanted access. It was like it was really worrying him. My curiosity got the best of me and I looked up on FB one of the chicks I had issues with a few years back that he was communicating with on My Space. At that time, he had told me that they were just friends but he thought she was beautiful and always would be to him. Why he told me that is beyond me. This was the same time he was communicating with an ex-girlfriend that he said was innocent but then I saw an email where she said that she always felt things were left unfinished with him. She was having marital problems too. I gave him an ultimatum at that time and told him that it was them or me. I wanted him to cut off all contact with them. Needless to say we were having big issues between us and I just felt that talking to them about our issues was unsafe and could easily lead to something more. He was so worried about upsetting them and didn’t want to cut contact with them. It really upset me that their feelings were more important than mine. Finally he came around and cut them off. Now, years later he has friended the single one that he called beautiful again. I can’t see his friends on FB but her friends aren’t hidden. I just knew that he would be doing that again with how things have been between us. He “runs” to someone else for attention.

In one of our arguments on Sunday I asked him why he was in such a hurry for a divorce. Told him I thought it was because he had someone else already lined up to move on. Then I threw out the chick’s name. He acted like he didn’t know who I was talking about. Then I threw out FB and her last name. I think he was surprised but acted like “tough ***”. After I found out that he was friends with her again, before I yelled at him about it, I had to get on the treadmill and burn off some steam. It helped but it was definitely on my mind a lot. I tried to put it out of my mind. She lives a few hours away but in the same city as his sister. Just waiting for the day he leaves again to take a weekend to himself to go to “visit” his sister. This chick is single and has my husband’s ideal dream job. I’m sure he is drawn to her.

He spends SO much time on his computer and if he’s not on his computer he’s on his phone. That phone doesn’t leave his side. He is a Facebook fanatic. I am really trying hard to get my head out of this funk and to stop thinking about what he is doing. I know I can’t control it or change it but sometimes I wonder if I am strong enough to show him unconditional love.

Sunday night turned out into a huge fight. He left the house so mad at me. I totally broke down. I sent him a few texts asking him to come home and talk to me. I was a mess. When he came back he told me that he wanted me out of his face and didn’t want to see me. I told him that he needed to give me time to make the changes that I was working on. I felt so needy and absolutely pathetic. Maybe that’s what he needed to see or maybe he liked seeing me that way knowing that he got one over one me.

Since Sunday, I have been continuing the dares. Finally made it to the day where I burned the bad qualities list. Further than I have made it in the past so I am thankful I have had the strength to continue. My husband still is very guarded and I think I am too. We have not uttered the word divorce again so that is a good thing. I really need to pray more but, like I said before, I feel very distracted.

Hopefully good updates to follow.

Two steps back

Lane — Mon, 31 Jan 2011 22:13:28 GMT

Saturday was a very tough day for me. I kept my distance from my husband since he was upset with me about something and wouldn’t talk to me about it. Not the best thing that I could have done especially since he approached me in the morning with a kiss. I should have just moved past it but I didn’t. Back to my normal defense mode. I did make it to church. I was hoping that it would make me feel better but instead I felt very out of place. It was a strange feeling. I’m not giving up on going though. I just need to get back into it. When I got home from church, there was a lot of sending and receiving texts by him. I had to walk of the room several times because it was really getting to me. This was going on before I left for church too.

After my kids were in bed, I chose to head to the bedroom to distance myself from my husband again. I was getting laundry together and he came in and asked me what was wrong. He said that I had been avoiding him all day and said that he knew that it was from him not wanting to talk the night before. I told him that there wasn’t anything wrong. He knew that wasn’t true. I told him that I was the one who didn’t want to talk now and because he felt like talking didn’t mean I needed to. Then he told me that he was upset because I didn’t know what why he had been acting the way he was the past few days. A few nights back my husband approached me in a joking manner about wanting to fool around. Apparently he didn’t like the way I reacted and was hurt by it. I didn’t mean anything by my joking back and wasn’t mean about it. I hurt my neck a week ago and have had a constant headache for a whole week. The chiropractor has helped but having a headache all of time has worn me out. Then he started saying that I wasn’t going to change and said that he didn’t understand why I won’t just sit down with him and go through things so we can end this quickly. At first I insisted that I wouldn’t do it but he kept pushing and pushing so I told him if he wanted a divorce he could have it. He was more worried about a divorce dragging out than anything else so I got mad and told him that I knew he was ready to move on and probably already had. Then he made a comment about me saying that because of all of the texting that he had been doing. I got madder telling him that after all of the times that he screwed up and I stuck it out with him but now he is ready to hang things up. It still makes me mad just thinking about it.

He wanted to just keep talking about everything from the past but I told him that there was no point discussing anything anymore since he has made his mind up. I don’t think he is testing me this time. I think he is really done. It’s so hard not to get sucked back into the “doing this dare to save my marriage” vs. trying to be more like Christ. I know I am going to keep ahead with completing the daily dares but I will find it more challenging knowing that my husband will not be receptive to what I am doing. I am praying as much as I can but find myself getting distracted.

I was really needing to get on this website to read some encouraging words but wasn’t able to get on all weekend. I think we need a ‘Love Dare Hotline’ when the site is down. LOL.

Sticking with it

Lane — Mon, 31 Jan 2011 22:07:30 GMT

This was my post for Saturday but I was not able to get onto the website… I have been reading the daily devotions and completing the dares. I started highlighting the important parts of each daily devotion that I feel I seem to forget once I move on to the next day. Each time I read the next day I go back and read these important points to remind myself that I need to continue doing these every day also. I guess you could say that my husband has decided to try things again. He never really said that but shortly after I submitted my last post he wanted to be intimate and was surprised when I obliged.

I knew things weren’t going to be easy for me. My husband has been off of work for an injury the past 2 weeks and found out this week that he will be off another 2. I have really tried not to think about what he does every day while I am gone. It’s kind of nice not worrying about what he is doing, where he is going and who he is with. At this point, I am more concerned about the money he will be spending. He tends to shop online a lot when he has a lot of free time on his hands. Money is a BIG issue with us. We started having separate accounts several years back since we were always fighting over how much to spend on personal things. I thought it would make things better but it has only given him free reign on spending. He admitted to me a few months back that he has gotten himself into a considerable amount of debt. This is one reason why I have checked his accounts in the past.

The other night, I must have done something to make him mad. I’m not sure what it was, honestly, but he was very cold to me last night. I asked him to talk to me about it and he said that it was nothing and he was fine. I pressed a little and then left it alone. I thought that I better leave him alone so I went into the bedroom to watch tv. Before I went to bed I went out to see if he was ready to talk to me. As soon as I walked into the living room he received a text. It looked like he had been texting with someone since his phone was in his lap. I just turned around and walked away. I had to leave before I said something that I shouldn’t. All I was thinking was that he could talk to some other woman about what he was feeling but not me. This morning I got up with the kids. When he got up he did come over to give me a kiss so I am thankful for that.

I am looking forward to attending church this weekend and continue reading and re-reading the highlights of the daily devotions. I am trying to stay upbeat and focusing on being more like Christ. I feel like I am starting to understand more exactly what I should be doing on a daily basis. You are all in my prayers.

Here I am again

Lane — Mon, 24 Jan 2011 04:26:44 GMT

Here I am again, feeling lost. My anger takes over and affects so much in my marriage. I lose control and say things that I shouldn’t and then end up regretting it. Things have been so rough the past few months since I posted last. Both my husband and myself have seen attorneys. I checked his bank account without his knowledge and found a charge to a card store for the week prior. I never received a card from him. I made up some story about someone seeing him at the store. It took him a while to even “remember” being there. Then he made up some story about shopping for ornaments. I asked him if he bought anything and he said no. Then later I told him I knew that he was lying and he admitted to buying a card. Said it made him mad that I questioned him so he lied. Then he said that he bought ME the card but then things got bad again so he threw it away. I didn’t believe him. Still don’t. The thought of him buying someone else a card really hurt. That’s what he used to do for me when we first got together. My anger took over a few months back and I quit the dare…AGAIN. I feel like such a failure. Why can’t I stick to it? Am I lazy, scared, bull-headed or all of the above???

We started talking about dividing our property up. I was all for it. Then I read something that said to ask myself if I have done everything possible to fix my marriage. I knew I hadn’t since I didn’t stick to the dare. Maybe it was God slapping me upside my head. Now it may be too late. My husband has got the paperwork and says he is going to fill it out and start getting his stuff out of the house. Part of me wants to believe that he is just trying to prove a point. I throw divorce out way too much when I get frustrated so maybe now he wants me to see how it feels. Just Friday he was playing around with me teasing and I was the one refusing to bring down my walls that I have put up. I told him that I need him to let me in his life. Everything!! Facebook, finances, etc. He said he tried that a year ago and I blew it by accusing him of stuff when he would tell me about talking with female friends. Now he wasn’t willing to try that again.

I am in such a weird spot right now. My husband is the one who has lied to me many, many times and got caught doing it. I feel like he is the one who put our marriage in this spot but I am now realizing that I had a lot to do with it. My distance and lack of forgiveness has driven him away. All of these years I have blamed him for his mistakes while making plenty of my own.

With things like they have been, I re-read the first few days of the dare to get me back on track. I told my husband that I was working on changing myself but he didn’t think it was possible. He said that we will be right in same position next year if he sticks it out. I have no idea what is going to happen. I just pray that my husband can give me another chance like I have given him all of these years.

Day 1 and 2

Lane — Sat, 27 Nov 2010 04:07:52 GMT

Well, I started the dare again like I said I would. Day 1 went ok. I struggled a few times but overall I think I did ok considering my husband said everything to me with such hatred in his voice. I have been trying to keep up with not saying anything negative since then but messed up yesterday at Thanksgiving. We had a disagreement during dinner with his family…in front of everyone. He had let my 6 yr. old son drink a 24oz. bottle of sugary pop. Then he got mad at my son when he didn’t want to eat. And then he went and got him more pop. I couldn’t just sit there. When my son drinks pop like that (and usually with his dad) he starts acting up. Then my husband will get mad at him because my son doesn’t listen. Go figure. Quit sugaring him up!! I was pretty angry after it happened and just wanted to leave but everyone acted like they didn’t see a thing. Except for the part when the room got totally quiet.

Yesterday morning my day started out with my husband receiving a text message at 7:30. Can these chicks seriously not wait till later in the morning? Or how about not at all. Later that morning, he was texting away. Then he said he was going to leave for his parent’s house in a little bit. We weren’t eating until the afternoon and there was no way I was going to put myself through sitting there any longer than I had to. When I asked him if he was going to take the boys with him, he said that he would take our oldest but our youngest son wasn’t ready. He is 20 months old. He doesn’t get ready on his own and apparently my husband wasn’t going to get him ready. Not a big deal to stay behind with our youngest. Gave me more time to prepare myself for the day ahead. I had been praying a lot throughout the morning. I needed any additional strength I could gain for this day. Suddenly, an idea popped into my head. Maybe I should talk with his sister’s to see if they have any insight on their brother and our relationship. I struggled with the idea because I didn’t want them to think I was asking for information on other women that he talks to. That was not my intent. Since they are a very close family, I thought I would basically see if they thought we had a chance to get through this and get a feel for who my husband really is since I don’t know him anymore. Up until the time I pulled his sisters aside later in the evening, I went back and forth on the idea of doing this. I figured I had nothing to lose by doing it.

My job requires me to be on call 24/7. I had an issue at work earlier in the day but didn’t need to do anything about it until later in the evening. After asking his sisters if they minded coming driving with me to talk about things, I told my husband that I needed to go into work and would be heading home after that. He was mad because I wasn’t coming back to get the boys. I just shrugged my shoulders. Really!! He is their father. It’s called being a parent.

I told his sisters that I was sure they knew what was going on but that I was at a loss for where to go from there. I told them that I was basically done with our marriage and was looking for any kind of hope out there. We had a very nice conversation. They assured me that my husband loves me but felt like we are 2 totally different people. They felt that my independence makes my husband feel like he isn’t needed. They thought that could be why he turns to other women because they “need” him. These are things that I had already thought of several years back. My independent nature is coming across as not caring about my spouse. Not my intent. I think it is more of a coping mechanism for me. If I don’t need to rely on anyone, then I can’t get hurt, right?? WRONG!!

His sisters didn’t feel that he would ever cheat on me. I disagreed. The one did say, however, that if he did that he would give himself up quickly. I disagreed with that also. Told them that if he can do what he wants and not get caught then that is what he is going to do. He doesn’t like to disappoint people but if no one knows what he did wrong then he can live with that. They told me that I needed to forgive the things that he has done in the past and move on or it will never work. I know this but it is easier said than done. Especially when the sneakiness continues. His oldest sister asked me if I had ever heard of The Love Dare. I told her about my history with it but asked them not to tell my husband that I was doing it. They assured me that they wouldn’t.

Long story short, I am very glad that I talked with them. It gave me some hope I so desperately needed. I thought my husband would be mad at me for doing it but he didn’t seem mad when he got home. We actually said some normal things to each other. But then he went to bed without saying good night.

Throughout the night, my husband started getting closer to me by putting his leg near mine or putting his hand on mine. It felt good because I always miss being close to him. He even kissed my forehead in the morning when we woke up. Then all hell broke loose. I told him that we had a lot of things to talk about. He said,” We’ll talk sometime.” Sometime?? After everything that we had put each other thru the past month?? Came down to him just wanting to have sex. It really hurt my feelings. He got extremely mad when I told him no. Got up and said that it always had to be on my terms. I just had surgery 2 weeks ago and cannot have sex at least until I have my follow up visit with my doctor next week. He hasn’t even asked me in over a week how I have been feeling. I was so floored at how mad he got that I didn’t even tell him that there was a medical reason behind it. I was proud of myself for not tearing into him like I normally would have. Must have been the praying I did right after I woke up.

He got called out to work shortly after that. When he got home we argued and I finally told him the reason we couldn’t have fooled around. He didn’t understand why but I’m guessing that is a guy thing. He said that his parent’s invited us over for dinner tonight. That would make 3 nights in a row. Too much stress for me. I knew I had to go into work again for a bit so I told him to take the boys and go without me. I would not be going. He questioned if I even had to go into work tonight or actually went in last night. I guess he doesn’t trust me either. I’m sitting at work typing this because it is very peaceful here now. I needed that after the last few days I have had. I have still been praying. Trying to keep God close. Praying that I can keep my patience during these times and just not hang it up. Not quite sure how I can complete Day 2. I thought I was doing a good thing this morning when I decorated the Christmas tree with my sons while my husband was at work. He put it up yesterday before leaving but didn’t decorate it. That is usually my job. He got extremely mad saying that he told our oldest that he needed to wait until we all could decorate it together. He said that I heard him say that but I really didn’t. At this point I will have to try to accomplish this dare tomorrow because it is late.

You have all been in my prayers. I hope my next update will be better. Still 2 days left in the long weekend.

Totally lost control

Lane — Tue, 23 Nov 2010 04:00:25 GMT

I haven’t posted anything in over a month but tonight Ireally need some help. I totally lost control and just told my husband that I wanted to hit him. He can really push my buttons. After his weekend to think at the beginning of October, we talked through some things and tried to work things out. I started the dare and once again only made it to day 5. No excuse is a good excuse but I was transitioning jobs and was working a lot of hours. I didn’t keep up with the dares. I didn’t feel fully invested in them when I was doing them anyways. Pretty much crashed on day 1 with not saying anything negative.

I didn’t really see a change in my husband for much more than a week or 2. I guess I didn’t change much either. He really showed me how he felt about me after I had to have surgery over a week ago. He couldn’t even take care of the kids for over a day. Two days after my surgery he refused to get my youngest out of his crib from his nap. My son was crying and my husband was asleep on the couch. I went in to see why he wasn’t getting him and found him asleep. He told my oldest, 6 years old mind you, to get his brother. I was floored. I had to get him out of his crib when I wasn’t supposed to be lifting. That right there really showed me who I am married to.

I should back up to two weeks prior. We have always had issues with my husband feeling like the weekends are his. When I say that I mean that he has no responsibility for the kids no matter what I need to get done. It really irritated me since I knew I would be laid up the following weekend from surgery. So I was mad about that. Then, I went on his Facebook page and found that he had friended a woman that he knew I had issues with. We have discussed this before because he views her as “the most beautiful woman in the world to him…and always will be”. This is a quote from an email that he sent years ago to her daughter. Made me feel real good when I read that. So, I was pissed and didn’t want him to take care of me after my surgery, just the kids. That ticked him off and things only got worse from there.

We haven’t talked but briefly in weeks. This past weekend he went to visit his sister (same one he did in Oct) with his parents and our boys. I had my annual overnight shopping trip planned with my sister so I didn’t go. Neither one of us said goodbye to the other. I knew something was up Saturday night when he let my son call me at 7pm. He would normally wait for me to call. Come to find out that my feelings were correct and he went out that night to see a “friend”. My son told me that. When I asked my husband about it he basically told me that it was none of my business. This is the town where he grew up and where a lot of old classmates still live. Even an old girlfriend that he used to be friends with on My Space a few years back. He said it was innocent but then I saw an email from her that stated that she felt like things were left unfinished with them. Hello!! She was having marital problems with her husband and was just staying for the kids. She knew that we were having problems too so it sounded to me like she was trying to move in on him. He stopped contact with hershortly after that. he said he wanted our marriage to work.

My husband has since removed his friends from being viewed by anyone that is not his friend and I am definitely not his friend. In more ways than one. Of course I am envisioning him friending his ex-girlfriend again and another chick that is single and “so beautiful to him”. When he got home yesterday, I told him that we need to see where things stand after the holidays and figure something out. He knew what I meant. Divorce. All weekend while I was shopping I would see these families out together. I can’t get him to do that. I want that in my life. Doing things as a family and as a couple are so important to me. He knows I feel this way too but just doesn’t seem to ever want to make the effort. I need respect from him too and just never get it. I'm fed up with all of the empty promises.

How do some of you do it?? Murphy, Jeremy, Stephen and anyone else who’s spouse openly has someone else in their life. How did you just totally not lose it like I did tonight?? I need some wisdom here. My husband just smirked when I asked him tonight again who he went to see Saturday night. He said that he has every right to go out with friends. Sorry but I disagree if they are old girlfriends looking to find someone else. The smirking is what sent me over the edge. He could care less about me and my feelings. He has a long history of inappropriate behavior with other woman. He would never admit that to me until I would get hard evidence and show it to him. And I have done this several times. He is that biggest liar that I know. Why I even care to save this marriage is beyond me sometimes.

I am so mad at his parents also for watching my children so he can run off and do who knows what. That makes me about as mad as him going out with another girl. It’s going to be a long Thanksgiving I can tell you that. I don’t even want to go to his parents’ house but I need to for my kids.

I am up for suggestions. I know going back to the dares will be the first one but I don’t even want to look at him let alone be patient with him. I will start the dare again tomorrow. I need to for me and my kids. My big question is how do you turn yourself over to God? I guess that is hard for me to understand. I have always been a big believer in making your own destiny. Can anyone help me understand this? How do you just let go and think that God will deal with a spouses cheating behavior?

Still struggling

Lane — Sat, 02 Oct 2010 05:49:14 GMT

So I have been struggling to start the dare again since my husband and I haven’t been talking this week. It all stemmed from him getting mad when I asked him about a few numbers on his cell bill. An issue that we have had before. I realized that he will continue to keep things from me no matter how many times he tells me he isn’t hiding anything. I just can’t live that way. I don’t even know who he is. I told him that he hasn’t been truly honest with me for 8 years. He says he can’t because I always accuse him of stuff even though, according to him, he isn’t doing anything wrong. Then why can’t he just tell me who the numbers belong to.

So we got into a huge argument last night and I told him that we have been through this fight before. We both threw all of the old issues in each other’s faces. Something we do almost every fight. He told me that I don’t show any interest in anything he does. Also that I don’t show him any affection. I know this is true. I don’t have an interest in showing him affection when he looks to other women for attention. It may sound like my lack of attentiveness is the reason that he strives for others’ but in the past when I have given him lots of affection, I still find him seeking attention from other women. I find that very hurtful.

Long story short, he told me that I didn’t care so he was leaving this weekend. I told him I would be keeping the boys with me. No argument. None. Not even a little bit. That was a sure sign that he already had something planned this weekend. During fights in the past when I have wanted space, I would tell him that I was leaving for the weekend and taking the boys with me. “No way in hell” was always his response. This time he was willing to take off for the weekend and freely give up the kids. Something just didn’t sit right with me on that one.

This morning before he leaves for work he asks me if “this is how things are going to be between us?” I told him yes because he has no intention of ever making me a part of his life…his whole life. He walked out. At that time I had no idea if he was really leaving for the weekend. I got a text from him around 1pm telling me I needed to get the boys from daycare. I told him I already knew that since he was leaving. I had a hair appointment after work so I knew we would get home late. I asked him if he was going to stop at home to feed the dogs and he said he was already gone. Ticked me off to say the least. He has spent very little time with our boys the past 4 weekends. Part of it was due to working but part not. He was leaving without even saying goodbye to them. My oldest is so close to him and it broke my heart knowing that he will be asking all weekend where daddy is. He tried to tell me that he woke our oldest up this morning to tell him that he was going out of town but I think he lied.

My husband likes to try to make me feel bad for getting home late during the week because for the past year I have been working out with a personal trainer 2 days a week. The only “me” time I take. Sometimes I go to the grocery after work. I always try to get home as soon as possible so I can spend time with the kids before they go to bed. I get criticized for not spending time with the family during the week but he doesn’t see a problem with leaving for a full weekend.

I stopped at home to pick up some things for the boys before heading to my appointment. He had written me a letter stating that he knows I am going to be really mad at him for leaving this weekend but he needed space. He hopes that it will give him time to figure things out. He said he loves me and he wants things to work but he just doesn’t know how to do that. Total contradiction to his snide text messages earlier. This made me even angrier. I don’t trust him so the thought of him disappearing for a whole weekend makes it even worse.

He tried calling me later in the evening to talk to the boys. I didn’t answer. He kept calling and texting me but I still didn’t answer. He even had his dad try to call. I was so mad that he can just take off and leave his boys without thinking about what it will do to them. It breaks my heart. I think he went to his sister’s in another state. Not a good place for him to be since he has a lot of women that he keeps in touch with where she lives. Just one more reason to keep my blood boiling.

I don’t know what will happen when he comes home on Sunday. I have another whole day to think about it. I know I don’t want to be around him.

How do I let go of the anger?? How do I let go of the past?? I’m at a loss. A total loss right now. I have prayed. I try to pray often but my mind is going a hundred miles an hour.

God, please guide me.

Struggling to start

Lane — Tue, 28 Sep 2010 01:43:35 GMT

I have been reading everyone’s journals for a few months now trying to get the courage to start my journey…again. The first time I started The Love Dare was back in April. My husband and I were both at the breaking point, for the hundredth time, and I knew it was time to try something new. Nothing else has worked for us, counseling or Retrouvaille, so I prayed long and hard about what to do. I had learned from some friends that we met through Retrouvaille about the movie Fireproof. I thought The Love Dare sounded promising but I was so afraid to start. At the time I felt so little for my husband that the thought of doing all of these things for him would be impossible to bear. Like a lot of you, I knew that I wouldn’t just be doing it for him but for myself and my children. It still took a while before I could bring myself to get started. Finally, God let me know that the time was right.

I’m not a very religious person even though I was raised Catholic. I always felt like religion was forced down my throat and I began to resent it. My husband and I do not go to church. We went 1 time during our Retrouvaille experience but that was as far as it went. Religion was never a priority of mine once I got old enough to make my own choices. I find myself only turning to God when I need something.

My first experience with the dare was a positive one; although I only did the dare for 7 days the first time. My husband saw a change in me that he liked. (I never told him that I was doing The Love Dare. I didn’t want him to ever be able to throw it in my face if I struggled with a daily challenge. ) I got hung up on not finding the time to burn the bad things list. I just never went back to the dare. Sad excuse, I know, but maybe that meant I would have to forgive eventually which I wasn’t ready to do. I’m not sure I am even ready to forgive now.

It took about two months for things to get back to “normal” with us. Our normal is fighting. As frustrating as it was knowing how good things had been, I was so mad that I wasn’t about to put myself out there again to end up right back where we have been for over 7 years. Our marriage has always been rocky. Rocky from day 3 when I found out my new husband had been having long conversations with a woman that had just been fired from their company. It had been going on for weeks. It was all downhill from there.

There have been many of those incidents throughout our marriage. Some worse than others. I don’t think that I have ever trusted him but I guess I trust him enough to stay married. I don’t even know if that makes sense. I do love him but I know that sometimes that just isn’t enough. I stayed with him over the years partly because of our first son, now we have 2 sons. I just always feel like he wants to lead 2 lives. One I can be a part of and one he keeps me far from. He says he has been trying the past few years and hasn’t done “anything wrong”. To me that’s code for he believes he hasn’t done anything wrong in his eyes.

I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t think that I can be selfless when he is so selfish. His desires always seem to be more important than his wife. Does anyone have any ideas to help me??