So today was a day where I would find a Christian marriage mentor. I prayed that if God were to put someone in my life to be that mentor (other than who I already have) that I would recognize it. I do have a counselor, and our bible study group has a couple of great couples in it that if God rejoins Emily and I, I will definitely ask to be a mentor for us. I also have numerous people (my mom, two co-workers, and 3 or 4 friends) that I confide in regarding my faith and my marriage and they give me help and perspectives based on their point of view and their prayers.
Work was fine, kind of a slower day. The afternoon at work I spent some time talking with a co-worker of mine about things. It is always nice to get a different perspective on things.
After work I went and picked up the kids. I was a bit early so I had to wait for our older two to get off the bus. The older boys were with the understanding that they would be going to my family’s lake home with their Grandpa for the weekend. My Dad had called me the night before to tell me that plans had changed because of the weather, but I couldn’t relay it to the kids because I had no contact with Emily (I did call though!).
My oldest was extremely upset that plans had changed. He started blaming me for it. He asked why I didn’t call to tell him. Well my beautiful, nice wife came to my defense and said I did call, but she missed the call. Wow I was wondering how God would use that phone call from the day before!
I had my checkbook on me, and I prayed whether I should write up a child support check right there and give it to her. What I got back was if she asks I should. Kind of a weird thing for me, because I would normally write the check right there and give it to her regardless if she asked. She didn’t at the time. As soon as I got home though she called and was frustrated about it, and I told her she could stop by and pick up the check if she so wished. She did and said hi to the kids.
I wrote out the check for what I could give. It was about $100 less than what I have been giving her. She looked me in the eyes for a minute, maybe trying to see if I was lying about the amount of money I have available? I’m not quite sure. We were just sitting down to dinner, so I told her if she wished she could come in but I knew she is busy (she had mentioned she needed to get the check to the bank ASAP on the phone). She left from there.
Nothing really noteworthy for the rest of the day. My oldest boys love the Action Bible I got one of them for his birthday, and have been reading it quite intensively. After I got all four of them to bed (which is a daring feat sometimes!), I prayed, got into the word and went to bed.
Concert Day! Oh man was I full of anxiousness, that I tried my best to leave with the Lord but it kept popping up. It took me until about the concert start to realize I probably wouldn’t see Emily at the concert and relax completely about it.
I did my dare right away in the morning. God didn’t provide me a chance throughout the day to share the word with Emily. But I was in it for most of the morning, between the kids and getting ready for the day. I got through Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians.
So at home, my daughter’s hair got into a complete snarled, tangled mess. She wouldn’t let me touch it, and it was so bad I knew I couldn’t take her anywhere with it. Since there wasn’t much I could do, I called Emily to help me out. She started off asking me to pay her for it, but I had no cash. So she asked to be able to write a check to me and I go get cash for her (her child support check that I gave her on Friday wouldn’t be cashed until Monday or Tuesday). I said OK, so she came over and did our baby girls hair.
After she finished up, she said goodbye to the kids, and I told her if I saw her later I would say hi. She said she hoped she didn’t see me. I understood why she might say something like that, but my feelings were hurt. I told her that it was mean to say that. I asked her if she was embarrassed to introduce me to the OM. She replied with no. I then asked her if she was embarrassed to introduce the OM to her husband. She replied back with “we are separated”. I told her “I am still married”. To this she left, and I left to drop off the kids.
For some reason I didn’t feel as into the music in church as I normally am. But fast forward to the concert. Like I said earlier, I was nervous going into it about seeing her and the OM together. But once the music started, I got into worshipping and all that left me. In fact this was hands down the BEST concert I have ever been to! I was so filled by the spirit. At intermission, they had tables for adopting Rwandan children, and I adopted one! The friend of mine I took with took a picture of us at the beginning of the concert enjoying the music and uploaded it to facebook.
The concert ended and we stayed until the end. As we were leaving I needed to hit up the bathroom, so we headed that way. Just then I saw Emily! Her eyes met mine, and I mouthed a little “hey” and kept on moving. She looked nervous and I didn’t want to make an awkward situation for her in public. After I left the bathroom we had to head back to get to the car, and I saw her again! Her eyes again met mine, and I just kept on moving. I saw her mention to the OM that she saw me (lip reading), but my friend and I don’t think anyone else saw the other party. For some reason, God intended for us to see each other, I was sure of it. Otherwise, why did my friend not see Emily and why did the OM not see me? Why, with probably 500-1000 people in attendance would we see each other? Why were our tickets so close to each other and I didn’t even notice her in the arena? Emily and the OM did not really have any contact with each other that I saw.
I left the concert wondering about things and what not. I was kind of excited about things and jumping ahead in my mind (I do that a lot). My friend told me “just keep doing what your’e doing” and helped calm me about things. Then he got a notification from facebook that Emily had “liked” his picture! She was the first one to “like” it and we were just getting in the car when the notification came in!
Well I picked up my younger two and went home. I put them to bed and prayed. I thanked the Lord for the concert and the hope and filling me with the spirit. I also thanked Him for putting me into contact with Emily. I know He works in so many ways I do not understand, but I am enjoying it!
So today, guess who called me at 9 am? Emily! She started off telling me she was upset last night because when she saw me I looked upset. I told her that in no way was I upset, that I didn’t approach her because I didn’t want to make her feel awkward. She mentioned that she should have helped me out with the kids after, and I told her they were angels (which they were, they basically just went to sleep in the car). I told her a bit of how I felt so full of the spirit at the concert. She told me that she didn’t have a very good time. She said the music was good, but the OM didn’t talk with her much at all through the concert. She basically told me she felt pretty alone. She then mentioned that she saw my friend and I as he was taking the facebook photo. She knew where I was since the beginning of the concert! I told her she should have come up with us, she would have had way more fun! I wondered how often she looked up at me throughout, I know I was full of love for Christ and the spirit.
We then talked about how the day was going to pan out with the older two boys’ birthday party with her. She asked if I could drop them off a half hour later, which I said yes to. She was wrestling with the decision to have me over or not. I told her my plans were to have lunch with my Dad, and go to bible study. She said “Bible study?”, and I said yes and told her it was our group. She got upset and said “you are just doing this to make yourself look good!”. I could not hold back, I felt too attacked, and she was telling me my faith was not real. I did not yell, but I was more passionate than I had been for a long time. I told her that she does not know who I am anymore, that I have changed so much. I also mentioned that since the weekend that God broke through to my heart, the only person to bring me out of my despair was Jesus. I told her that even her coming back to me wouldn’t have done it. At the end of my explaining myself, she let me go saying she had things to do.
My Dad came by and dropped off the kids. He stayed for maybe a half an hour, but decided not to have lunch with me.
I went and dropped off the kids, and noticed her father’s car and the OM’s car there. I brought the kids stuff up to the front door and her dad answered, and I said hi to him and shook his hand. Emily came out to talk with me for a little bit. She said she was frustrated and confused about whether to have me over for the party. I told her I understood her feelings because of the OM’s prescence. I then felt strongly that I should ask her to pray about it. I asked her to pray, and she responded with “I pray by myself”. I did mention that prayers are stronger if there are more than one person praying them. Then she said she is angry with me because I am doing all the things she wanted me to do months ago, and why am I just doing them now.
Her dad came outside, and did some small talk with me. So everything was kind of left with that. After I left I prayed on whether to go to bible study or not, and was told yes. So I went and am so glad I did. We didn’t get into the word because of all the prayer requests (even though only half our group was there). We had some good healing prayer for all of us though and some good discussion. The wife of the couple that put it on noticed my twist tie ring, and told me she liked it. The husband asked if he could call Emily and let her know that she is still welcome in the group and invite her back. I told him that I am unsure how she would respond but that I do not mind if he asks, and in fact I would like her to go.
My Sunday ended with rest and the word. I got into 2 Cor, and read part of The Well by Mark Hall. It’s a pretty good book so far, about how we try to fill our lives with water from our “fake wells” instead of the only real well, Christ.
All in all, this was an awesome weekend that let me know a bit more of the condition of my wife’s heart. I have been not letting myself get too excited because I have no clue what will happen, and when I feel that I am getting too focused on her, I remind myself to not have faith in Emily, but in Christ. That brings me right back to Him, right where I need and want to be.
This morning I saw the most beautiful sunrise. A cloud layer was right under the sun, looking kind of like a mountain range. It was majestic and made me think of His power and glory. Praise God and thank Him for all!
So I have been thinking about Christ and Emily a lot today. Not sure why, maybe its because of the weekend I just had. But I got to thinking and focusing on Emily again. Thinking of how much I love her, I love her beauty, both physical and emotional, I love her spirit, I love her stubbornness and willingness to fight (even with me sometimes) when its for things she believes in. Then I remembered what Sean has said to me and probably countless others, “The way you are longing for your wife is how Christ longs for you”. Those words are amazing, and even though I’ve thought about that a few times today, I am tearing up while typing this. I am glad I work in a cubicle, LOL.
So I have someone, who thinks about me and my welfare constantly. I have someone who will love me no matter what I do to them, no matter what I have done to them. Someone who will gently lead me back to the right path when I am wrong, someone to sing songs to me, about me. I have this someone, and He will never go away. In fact, as life moves on, He and I will only grow closer.
Oh yeah! Love that!
AND...I love that you see the beauty of your wife...separate from what this world may or may not deem of value. You the man! WOOT WOOT!
I really needed to hear that today. Thanks Jason!
I love the part where she is upset that you are doing everything now that she wanted from you before. That same thing happened in my journey. And I remember that my response was, "See that, Christ did answer your prayers, and dont be so frustrated it is because of your prayers that I have found Christ.... Thank You"
Needless to say, that did not make her to happy! And her saying that you looked upset at the concert... Just a hope and a dream that you would agree. She seen you glow.
With her still in the world, she cannot understand how when she left you and has OM, how can you be happy and she is not. And in her mind it is not fair. Especially now that you are changing everything about your self.
Remember this.... You testimony now becomes more important than ever. She will try to discredit your testimony to satisfy her own mistakes.
Be careful in every conversation with her.
Libby and Jenn, thanks so much.
Sean that last sentence is a STRONG warning. I will be careful as I can be, but we both know I will mess up once in a while. Faith on the rock, all I can do.