Some how God shows me during every dare that I still haven’t gotten to where I need to be. I was shown today that I still need to remember to forgive Emily every day for the hurt she has done to our family, for the affair that she persists in, and the things she allows our kids to be exposed to.
Work went alright today. A coworker of mine returned back to work after being gone for a couple months. She is kind of like a mother figure with me, so I confided a few things about the divorce to her. She said that I look and act different, but in a really good way! It was really nice to hear that.
After work I went and picked up the kids. I told Emily about a surgery that I had the next day (minor thing). I had mentioned the reason for the surgery a bit too loud, kind of hoping that the OM would hear (he was at the house). This surgery is for a bit of a personal issue that affects Emily and I, so she got pretty upset at me. Yes I know that it was my own issue trying to control the situation, and of course it backfired on me. God has that way of revealing my issues through my hurt. She told me that she told the OM about it already and he was ok with it.
As I left for the night with the kids, I realized that yes I haven’t forgiven her completely yet. I prayed on this and asked for help from Him with it.
I dropped off the kids and a few pictures of Emily to her in the morning. We reminisced slightly on those areas in the past and it was a nice moment. She had asked me not to call her about my surgery (I had asked her the day before to be able to pick me up just in case I couldn’t drive after). I agreed and had my surgery, which went well.
I called her a few minutes prior to me normally picking up the kids and asking if it was OK for me to come over to pick them up. I asked because normally she doesn’t ask me to not call, and I wanted to not just show up unannounced. She also got confused as to why I called and tried to read into it. She even admitted so.
So I went and picked up the kids, and got her for a few minutes to confess my issues to her. I had a few things, not nearly as much as the first time, but some along the same lines (temptation/adultery) as before. I told her about being tempted from a woman, but that woman was no longer in my life after praying to God to remove the confusion. She looked hurt initially, then backed off and told me that I’m free to do what I want now. Then she accused me of trying to make her feel guilty of her relationship. I realize that its not me making her guilty. I told her that no, this is my deal. That I feel that its wrong for ME to be doing things like that until the day I am no longer married. She actually said for the first time ever that she forgave me. It was nice to hear.
So later that night she called to “say goodnight to the kids”. Its funny because she will call and talk with me and not even think about the kids at all. This time I asked her if she wanted to say good night to them after some chatting. During the chatting, she had mentioned that she didn’t like that I don’t have a cell phone now (got it suspended to save some money). She said that since she has an extra she will send it along with the kids so she can get ahold of ME when she wants. Kind of funny she said it twice, but never once mentioned speaking with the kids on the cell.
Today when I dropped the kids of she wanted to talk about something (I forget what it was), and I told her my schedule and that we would talk about it when I called to say good night to the kids.
Work went good, working out went well. I am coordinating a pre-wedding wedding party (a bachelor party but the bride is going with too), so I did some work on that. I called the house to say goodnight at the normal time with no answer. I was going to let it go for the night and do my own thing, but then she called.
Emily was upset and I could tell within the first few words so I asked her what was up. She was worried about the house and her ability to stay in it based upon discussion with her lawyer and with bankers (she would have to refinance it from me and she is a homemaker). She had mentioned that I had offered during mediation that I would expect her to be done with it by the time my lease is up (next May), and that it worried and frustrated her. This was the opportunity God gave me to complete the dare (unrealistic expectations)! So I took it and told her I wouldn’t hold her to that expectation and that I agree that it would be unrealistic. I apologized for my behavior at that meeting. She playfully called me a butt muncher (one of her favorite terms to describe me when I do something she doesn’t like), and I flirted back a little bit. We talked about a few more things, I said goodnight to the kids and she let me go.
She called back maybe 10 minutes later about the kids’ birthday party coming up. We decided on a date and started talking about who was to attend. She said she didn’t want much of her family going because she didn’t want to hear “advice”.
I asked her about who would be going. She mentioned about the OM going. I told her that maybe that wouldn’t be the right setting for me to meet him. She mentioned that maybe she would have me meet him first. The conversation went further into what had happened with his daughter and them keeping her from the mother. I mentioned that maybe this guy has something in his past that he got involved with a mother that does drugs. She asked me about it further and I told her what I knew about his criminal record and last name. She asked how I found out and I told her. She was extremely mad. She told me that I hadn’t changed one bit, even though I told her this was in February I found out. She was very accusatory of me, and very upset. She explained how his felony armed robbery was done with a “good heart” and good intentions, and that how he spent 3 years in jail reading the bible, starting a Christian band, and converting inmates. At the end she was still very upset so she let me go. I did not overtly apologize like I used to. I understand that a lot of her anger is her conviction and feeling guilty about her hiding something from me and now she knows its been exposed.
I had a talk with a friend afterwards that I confided in about the situation. She had a similar take on it as me.
It’s really weird, in the past I would have called her back and been really apologetic. I didn’t have many feelings like that last night, not that I felt justified in what I did, I apologized for looking at the information. But I didn’t go into “crisis mode” and try to repair it right away. I felt sorry for upsetting her but I realized that she also has issues with it that she needs to resolve. I hope my wife is ok, and I prayed on it last night.
For those of you that follow, I will be back to my normal schedule next Monday with my weekend update.
Gotta love those smacks in the face when we aren't doing what God truly wants us to, however, they only make us stronger. ;) A book that I recently finished that I HIGHLY recommend is "Healing Your Marriage When Trust is Broken." It is a raw honest story of how God's power can resurrect life/marriage/hope/trust/forgiveness out of the debris of deception. I read it in two days. LoL.
I can't tell you how much I see similarities in Emily and my husband with regards to conviction and even the brief "intimate" moments you and her share as well as your strength (i.e. not going in 'crisis mode' as we would have done in our old ways). I am really feeling like she is getting close to seeing the light of your unconditional love through Christ. I know our stories are not nearly the same, however, I mentioned I see a lot of similarities, so I see my "last Tuesday" happening to you soon!