So today I had a good day at work, got a lot done. Then went to pick up the kids. Emily was frustrated again today. We had to talk about money a bit. This upcoming check has no overtime on it, so after the bills are paid we have about $650 to split between us. I told her I’d be comfortable giving her $500 (I’ve normally been giving her $700). I did try to justify my actions by saying that I am living off of a very small amount. Her reply was “Well you only have to take care of yourself”. LOL, I have the kids one day shy of 50/50 LOL. Of course, I didn’t put that back on her though, and I kept quiet. I did end up asking her to dinner (at my place with me and the kids) and didn’t receive the “No, Jason we are getting divorced”, reply that she did last time. This time she asked which day, which I replied “today”. Then she told me she had made plans with her brothers.
I made spaghetti and a salad to eat for dinner, and I set a place for Emily just in case. I had a good idea she wasn’t coming but I felt that it would be nice to be prepared in case she did. If she showed up I am sure that she would have felt loved knowing that I still had a spot for her. After dinner I cleaned up and took the kids to the park, we came back and I put them to bed.
I have been writing a letter to her about the love dare and my feelings and thoughts on things. I will wait on the Lord to tell me when to send it, and I cant wait until I do. I’ve worked on it for three nights now and I have 11 pages in. ;-)
I think it is great that something has happened where she did not reject dinner. Continue to pray for Gods will in her life.
However, the selfishness is still strong. Pointing out that she deserves the most money for taking care of the kids while you have them just as much. But this is a good thing. You see, while your selfish diminishes, and hers does not... It becomes clearer to her. Then conviction will take over.
As with the letter. Pray very hard on it. I am sure it is filled with all the things that you think may convince her that you have changed. And I know that you are waiting for the Lord to tell you when to send it. I am not saying it is right or wrong to send. All I am saying is that make sure the little voice in you while you wrote it, did not have a hidden intention of manipulation in the way it is written. Taking back control and doing it your way.... I made that mistake in my journey. Again, it was something I thought was a good thing, but deep down after I realized it was my way to make sure she seen every change in my life. I just wanted to make sure she wasnt missing anything.
Yes the letter is probably a way for me to show her. I so want to tell her about this journey. I feel though that when or if she gets to read it she will be as close to Christ as I am getting. I wouldn't want this to be any big mindset changing thing, just something she would appreciate or understand a long ways down the road. Maybe for our anniversary next year LOL. All in His time though.
I have been writing all of my journal entries in the leather bound Love Dare book and then started Round 2 in another journal (the Footprints poem is on the front). I plan on giving these journals to my husband one day, as well, to ultimately share this journey with him. Jason - I am with you there - that time will be when our spouses are just as close to Christ as we are - until then we will hold these close to our heart.