Round 2, Day 48… Thursday Well I think I posted up yesterday’s entry to soon, Ara and I had a bit of contact. I prayed about getting contact with Ara and got a yes then I asked if we could have the conversation that I have been trying to avoid and got another ‘yes’. So we do the usual check in then I flat out ask him what was going on with us and he said that he did not know. Well we got to chatting then he goes on to say that he does not believe that I even want him and he knows that I do not trust him. I say that sadly that which you believe is not true, because I do want you but if you don’t believe it then that’s that, its not going to change that FACT. He says that he does not trust me and that I’m always suspicious of him. I say to him that if God got us to it, He will get us through it. Then he says ‘Lebo you don’t even believe that. Ah well…That’s where my gloves came off, I didn’t feel like fighting anymore because he was finally opening up the way I had hoped he would. To that I say, ‘Arabile look (that’s his full name) you don’t have to trust me, frankly it would be best if you didn’t try to and just put all of that trust in Jesus and through Him trust me. As for me not believing that God will see us through well that is not true. Will all I am I believe it, I believe that Gods will, will be done in our lives period.’ He says, ‘ok’. Most of the time he says ‘ok’ because he knows how much I hate it, well this time It did not get to me. In fact non of the things that he was saying to got to me…Oh somebody is getting closer to the ALMIGHTY THEE… WHOOP WHOOOP LOL!!! He then, in big bold letters said, ‘Lebo, I need time because I don’t know anymore.’ Well I said take all the time you need, in the mean time is there anything you would like me to do for you? He said that he did not know… The conversation ended up in the air, he fell asleep and I enjoyed time watching Giglio’s sermon called ‘Fruitcake and Ice cream.’ During the sermon I was chatting to a guy (Nino) that I have known for a good while, nothing important just random nonsense. As we were chatting he begins to open up to me saying that his relationship with Christ is damaged and that I should pray for him. I asked God to let me know if its cool if I go deeper and try find out what’s the problem, I got a ‘yes’. Mind you this guy is 6years older than me, and I begin to feel inferior to him because he is older… Intimidation does not work at any rate when you are backed up by Jesus… Well he goes on to tell me that his 9month old little girl passed away 8years ago from an unknown illness, he prayed that God would save her life but got a no… Oh wow… He went on to say that he wants to get back together with Jesus but he just can’t get over the anger. I asked him if its alright if we go on this journey together, I’ll be his fellowship buddy and he kindly agreed. Then out of no where I say, ‘dear at some point during this journey you will have to ALLOW yourself to let go of the anger that you feel towards God..’ He did not respond. Oh wow I hope that I did not blow it. I then sent him a text about something else then he came back to me. I wonder, I am currently in conversation with three different guys and I am beginning to wonder if this is alright? I do not want to make Ara feel more insecure and the worst part is I do not recognise when guys are hitting on me until the very last moment and I do not want to find myself using their attention in place of what I feel I should be getting from Ara alone. Hold me accountable PLEASE… Ok so its only 9am, Ill journal more later and post this up then… God bless Its 10pm, I knew something would come up Well I have been deleted off of facebook and he is no longer engaged on it either. My heart raced, I called the youth pastor hoping to get words from him but I heard the Lord say Lebo come to me instead. I called and called with no answer, then I took control and called Ara. He said everything reminded him of me and that he doesn’t know if he can be with a liar. I had to let him go and told him that I would call again, when I did he did not pick up. I got really angry and began to get angry with Jesus for ordering me to fight for this relationship. I went on to ask why did He put me on this path? Why didn’t He just allow me to break up with him the moment I found out about what he did? What did I do to deserve this?? Haha yup I said all this to Christ. Anyway I remembered what Jesus said to me through somebody during the week which was, worship God for when you win and when you lose. I asked for forgiveness and began worshiping Him through tears. This really hurts. I never thought that one person could ever endure this much hurt and pain and live. I have been reading ‘Redeeming Love’ and sadly I relate with Sarah/Angel so much. I want to put up a steal wall around my heart but I just cannot, I’ve tried believe me but somehow God keeps saying ‘Lean on me daughter.’ Im typing this out unsure if I’m even still in a relationship, I have hope. Now I sit in Hosea’s shoes, having to do what Jesus says which is keep going back, don’t give up .I feel so used up and unattractive. I need healing and to forgive so badly. God knows that I want that for myself.