Yesterday could’ve easily been a tough day but the Lord kePT me and gave me peace throughout the day, even when the venom came in every direction. I woke up to a voice note from Ara saying that he has done everything he could to stand for us and the moment he is feeling unloved I hound him and am not doing the same. Well I don’t remember what I said to him but he stopped talking to me all together. Yeah I felt the venom and hurt but quickly ran to Jesus with it and was kindly reminded that He is working in me and in Ara and that I need to keep looking at him to pull me through.
As the day continued things got better, between God and me I mean lol, Ara did not care lol. Anyway I went to the movies with a friend and realised that for my next round I still need to stand for this relationship. Thankfully I have learnt (the long way round) how to let go and trust in God. Oh YEAH :D BEST LESSON EVER. The day came to a close and I went to youth but first went to the store to buy Ara something to eat. I get there and its business as usual, we got a few minutes to talk and during the talk Ara kept saying that I do not know him and do not love him. If I knew him I would understand him better and understand the way he feels. Well that nearly set me off but I received peace immediately… THANK YOU JESUS. Lol I nearly said, ‘DO YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVE BEEN THROUGH FOR THE PASSED 35 DAYS!!! YOUR SO UNGREATFUL YOU SELFISH, SELF-CENTERED FOOL.’ LOL wow God really is moulding me good and straight lol. I tried to put forth my case but he wouldn’t hear it. This did hurt my feelings. We left youth with my youth pastor and as I got into the car I just silently cried, Ara came into the car and said, ‘thank you for the food but I feel like a glutton from what you bought me.’ The pastor saw that I was crying and quickly rushed me home. Once I got home the flood came down, hard and strong. I had the worst thoughts towards Ara then realised that I need to cry in the secret place and not just anywhere. I prayed as I cried then received the great peace in my heart. I did try call Ara but he did not pick up. I decided to send him an email.
I prayed about what you said about me not knowing you well. When I was with you the first thing I thought was what’s an offensive thing to say to me but later realised that it is what you feel and I need to treat it with respect instead of CHOOSING to continue with the ‘offense’. Having said that I realise that what you just said to me is based on repressed feelings that are now coming up leading you to saying that ‘maybe we should break up.’ This is a very sad reality but I can no longer ignore your feelings in this.
I recognise that for a long time I have not taken lead with trying to get to know you and really understand you better and now that is coming back to you and is causing you to ‘want out’. This is the selfish nature that I have not faced for a long time and really only up until recently wanted to do something about. Maybe the best thing to do is break up, maybe that is the right thing to do I mean after all the bad is beginning to out-weigh the good and everything is laborious HOWEVER AGAIN IM GOING TO REQUEST THAT BEFORE YOU DO MAKE THAT DECISION THAT YOU TAKE A MOMENT TO LOOK BEYOND THIS.
As you know I have been doing the Love Dare and I’m close to the finish line now, planning on going another round. Anyway, one thing that I realised is that the love dare is not about me trying to ‘win’ your heart back but me giving and trusting it all with Christ. I cannot change you nor change the way you look at me now especially when you are so badly scarred by my actions towards you. I could not love you; I could not because I never could get over the intense hurt and pain that I felt. This was not until the Lord came in and changed my heart and MINDSET. I highlight mind set because my mind was indeed set on the bad and never looking at the good. God changed this in me, from time to time I tend to mess up God’s work by focusing on the pain and hurt then the Lord refocuses my thinking to Him. Honestly, it is only now that I learn HOW to love you. God taught me that. He further taught me not to make a RECORD of the wrong that has been done but focus on HIM to handle it all. He gave me a RENEWED love for you, a NEW found love for you. I do not expect you to accept anything that I have written, I do not expect you to take all your hurt and throw it away just because I’m changing. I would like to continue loving you and show you this love. I do see that it could be the end right now however I will not stop loving you and standing.
I deeply want to show you love, this new love that God put in me for you and for HIMSELF. I don’t think that you will accept this immediately but I PRAY THAT GOD WILL ALLOW YOU TO SEE THIS ONE DAY AND EVEN ALLOW YOU TO RECEIVE IT. If not then I will continue to pray that God may fill you with all that HE has given me and more. I am not suddenly STANDING because I’m afraid of losing you (I’ll admit at first I did) but rather because I REALLY WANT TO LOVE YOU THE WAY GOD INTENDED ON HAVING YOU LOVED, HE PUT THAT IN ME. We do not need to meet up tomorrow, I would love to (indeed I would) but I recognise that I need to be patient, thoughtful and respectful of you. I cannot push to see you, regardless of how you felt about it, anymore because I see that old ways and methods cannot be pushed into the new work of Christ in me it simply will not work but push you further and further away.
Again I love you and I pray that God may give you the grace and mercy to forgive me.
God bless you
As for the dares I again did this alone, I prayed for somebody to come my way and the Lord told me that my youth pastor was just right for me. Yay I have an accountability partner. Thank you Jesus… Period. Still praying about my next round, oh I’m too excited about it.
Here is a little accountability. Dont mention the dare to ara again. This is a deep down thing you are hoping that he will see and on a selfish note something that says look what I am doing.
Trust Christ. Be that testimony. And yes speak about what Christ is doing in your life.
I kinda went through the same thing. But quickly realized through my accountability partner that I was throwing desperate attempts of selfishness....
lol I did not see it that way.