Day 24...LET IT ALL GO

Last night I broke down to the ground. I was ironically on the bathroom floor crying so hard, I spent about 30 minutes crying. It was a really rough night. The thought of all the trouble I'm in hurt so much that I just broke down. I so badly wanted to give up, I cried so much that I eventually fell asleep. I woke up in the early  hours of the night and prayed. I do not think I have ever been so depressed in my life, I wanted to end it all.

Anyway, I woke up today (Sunday) to a call from Ara, I was not in the mood to talk to him but I picked up the phone and I tried as hard as I could to be cheerful and guess what, IT WAS A MISTAKE! His cell called me, so I'm on the phone and he has no clue that he has even called me. (Sigh) Strangely enough even though I did not want to talk to him I was very disappointed that he didnt mean to call.

We met at church and held hands during the service, that was so strange. After service I had a chat with the pastor, maaannnn I TOLD HIM EVERYTHING. I could not hold it in, lol he was so shocked he had no idea what he ought to say so he just prayed. He asked the Lord to help us get clear direction, if HE wants us to stay in the relationship then by friday can that be clear in everyway. If its not Gods will then again by friday can that too be clear.

I really had what feels like a weekend in the valley of the shadow of death. Anyway back to the days events. We came over to my home and chilled watching sport. Mind you I'm not the biggest sport fan, in that moment I wanted to talk about our relationship but then Jesus ssaid that I should just let the sport watching be. (I do not like sport but because Ara likes it so much I had to learn to love it) So we sat and had small talk, at first it was just so strange but we got used to being around each other. We spoke and he told me that he loves me and then kissed me. Hmmm I won't lie, all of that affection felt wonderful after not getting it for so long. Once that happened we chilled and became the same old fools we have always been. One thing stayed on my mind was the fact that I will not let all that is happening create expectations in my mind and cause me to lose focus. I want and will continue to do the love dare and pray for him, me and our relationship. I am sick of doing this without God, doing it that way actually hurts cause my will has no direction and no Christ in it.  I love him very much despite all that has happened I really want the best for him and me.

My dare...

I am praying over the ideas that I have on what I need to look like, act like and my objects of desire. I have always wanted to a petite sized person and with all that has happened I have lost so much weight that it has again become an obsession for me. Im letting go of that.

I also letting go of the idea that Ara needs to be a certain way, that has put a lot of pressure. l'm letting that go by the grace of God.

My roving eye...oh that just has to go.

My crazy weight issues...ah that has to go.

My coveteous nature over other people' happy relationships, jobs, homes, looks, abilities. Oh wow yup its all by the grace of God. These are my problem areas.