Already so much has happened and its only 9am. Ok, so I got
a message from him a continuation from last night. I asked him how he is doing
with the Lord and he asked me where that came from. He proceeded by saying that No he doesn’t
have a matter between he and Christ but he has with me. He went on to write
that he really thinks he should move on. Jesus stepped in and gave me comfort
from those painful words wow I needed that. My heart felt so much pain all in
one moment then a second later that pain was taken away from me and filled in
with peace. That is what I call God stepping in lol lol. Anyway Jesus told me
to write this to him, ‘ Your right, there is a matter between us. I can’t stop
you from moving on (Lord knows I’m willing to do whatever to stop you) all I
can say to you is that I love you, I chose to love you and I do very much at
that…’ wow I have no idea where that came from. Anyway, he started opening up
to me about how I am not doing enough to show him that I want and still love
him. Again the Lord calmed me down lol lol (wow I can really lose my temper)
Jesus again gave me these words , ‘That has been because of the fear that you
may not receive me well. Hence I’ve just prayed. Hoping that in just leaving it
to God that He would create an opening like this where if I were to do
something it wouldn’t be prompted by selfish desire and manipulation but rather
real and pure love for you.’ He went on to tell me that he needed me to show
him that I’m still there and that I still love him. At this point I have done
nothing to show him that I still care.
I do not know what all this means but I can see that Jesus
is working on us both. For the mere fact that we are chatting is a HUGE
development. Strangely enough I am so peaceful, I’m not used to entering Gods
rest during the storm, I usually enter it after the war, when I’m all scarred
and broken. I’m beginning to feel my DADDY and see HIM work in my life. Thank
I have a feeling that more is going to happen today, ill
journal more in a few hours.
If you recall, back when you mentioned that you both were going to do the dare, I stated to you to be careful. This is the exact reason why.
He has expectations of the daily dares. He knows what they are. So he sits back and sees what you do on that day. And in his mind he has a picture of what would be the best that can be done.
But here is the problem with that. In fact I wrote a journal on this long ago, you should go read my journals.
So here is the problem. You both were born separate, both raised separate, had different life styles, different friends Different, different, different.
However, he has his belief in what love looks like. You can be loving him to the best you have been taught in this world. But he may have been loved in a very different way in his life, and you may not be meeting his expectations of what love is.
This is why it is so important to learn Gods love. This journey of the dare will allow Christ to mold you to that.
Its 11pm and SO much has happened today. Well we work together as youth leaders and tonight was youth so I saw him and had the opportunity to talk to him. We spoke for a while and as we spoke I kept asking God to give me the strength I need to get through this. I do not expect to get back together but I do expect you to be in our midst. As we spoke he spent sometime telling me that I have issues that have the potential to creep up again and basically mess things up for us. In that moment two very interesting things happened in me, haha I at first got SO angry at him. Thinking the audacity of this guy, but then God reminded me that there is a dare that says, 'say nothing negative to your spouse, if the desire arises rather say nothing at all. Day 1... Patience'. Oh my I did not expect to get that deposited into my spiritual account so quickly. I sat there and listened to what he has to say and responded by saying, 'I think you should do what you want which is move on but I'm going to risk it and ask you not to.' Those words surprised me, they came from my mouth byt felt like they belonged to someone else... I'm shocked. I went on to say, 'No this past year and a half has been so difficult mainly because I tried loving you my way and landed up with egg in my face. I am sitting here telling you that I will NEVER change BUT God will change me.'
I dont know how I could have had my mouth open and utter such words yet not feel like they came from me but i do. Anyway the conversation went on for a while and as it went on his cell kept buzzing. Ah the other girls... That was the only thought that kept creeping in my mind, each time it did the Lord reminded me that I need to focus on HIM and not on Ara's business. The quickly shut me up. We spoke then in mid sentence he bowed down and recommitted us to God. Tjo, that was unexpected. Anyway I bowed down to pray and as I tried to pray I kept saying in my heart, 'Jesus what just happened? whats going on?" All that Jesus said was, 'Shhhh Lebo, let Ara pray in peace, we will chat later on.' I kept quiet (Oh Lord me and my big mouth lol haha) Anyway after the prayer Jesus whispered into my heart that he wants the relationship again. I did not know what/how to feel so I looked down and smiled.
After the conversation we did not get into heavy conversation, I did not know what to say and the Lord had just said to me that I should give HIM time to work in his heart. I let it be. I got home and told him that I'm happy that we are trying again and God bless him. He did not respond and thats fine.
I do not know how to move forward, I do not know how to make him happy and comfortable in with me SO IM NOT EVEN GOING TO TRY! 'I'll leave that task to God, I'll just forcus on dares. I still can't believe what happened tonight. This whole week Jesus has been preparing me for this and more. Wow. He got a promotion at work, I was disappointed that I was not there to celebrate it with him. Thank God that I get to celebrate this next step with Jesus by my side.
I do not have a clue if he is going to cheat or not thats not my problem (Its Ara's issue that I just need to pray for) I do know that this time around things are going to be infinately different.